A World War Two Joke

Some aeroplane jokes:

Conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

The ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't
I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (do a complete circle), a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you
know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this
airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway,if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101
and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because old boy you lost
the bloody war!

--------

Australian jokes....sorry guys!

From the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new
shirts.
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars...........and...finally:
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep(passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
------

Heaps of useful info

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And........................................... Turtles can breathe through their bums.

 

Nice caricatures:

 

Great ones Kai and to expand on airline jokes-- Especially American Airlines jokes.

Monday October 16/ 2002 at the DFW airport in Dallas, Texas.

From an announcer on the intercom: "Attention passengers of flight 148, we are experiancing a temoporary delay in flights to San Antonio, Austin, El Paso and Corpus Christi International."

"We are waiting for the Stewardesses to show up"

Another Announcement--same date:

"Attention passengers on flight 239, we are experiancing a delay of flight 239 because we are waiting for the ground crew to arrive to clean up the plane"

Still another announcement on the same date:

"Attention passengers of flight 546 to Corpus Christi International, we are currently waiting for an Airplane that can fly and then we will be boarding it for the flight to Corpus Christi International."

These arent made up either--they are all true. Flight 546 was MY flight home to Corpus Christi!!!!

I was sitting next to a Reverend, when these announcements came over the intercom. The Reverend said to me that he had been flying on American Airlines for 30 years and never encountered any problems like what he was hearing. He then said that he may be a man of the cloth but, he doubted that he had enough "pull" with the Lord Almighty, to be able to help out American Airlines. He also said that he was going to switch to another company starting with his next flight.

My flight was delayed 10 hours. Finally we boarded an older 2 engined monstrosity with NO airconditioner--and being typical VERY HOT Texas temperatures.

Needless to say--it was a very noisy and hot and miserable flight back to CC Intl.

In the process of loading our baggage--these infidels managed to break THREE of my expensive silver lidded Beer Steins, that I was carrying back from Germany. Luckily my favorite Beer Stein made it through unscathed--it is a limited edition Beer Stein with the Red Baron on it--and the lids top was a ww1 Bi-plane.

[ 25. November 2002, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: C.Evans ]

 

Well, my introduction to America was the announcement (at Atlanta airport) that went something like:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are afraid that the plane is broken. We'll get another one, but don't think there will be a delay."

At that moment I thought I already loved this country.

 

Who knows the joke again about the Finns and the different temperatures??

E.g.:
-200°C: Finns do olympiques
- ...

I completely forgot it.

 

Albert,

You mean this?

Temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears wintercoats and gloves. The Finns are
out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets
[convertibles].

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes. The water in the Vantaa river
(in Southern Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have
their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using
long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer
celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face
of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the
hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army
postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter
weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent
a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they
can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The
Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that
the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele,
it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

 

Thats right-laugh it up at us Australians and our misfortunes...

 

Its just after WW2, in Indo China, at a Forgien Legion fort.
Theres a whipping post, the drummer taps out a slow ddum, ddum, ddum.
An englishman, a frenchman and a german are to punished, for being drunk on dity.

"So frenchman, your going to get 40 lashes for being drunk, what do want on your back?" said the Colonel.

"Just some garlic rubbed into the skin, to kill the pain, mon colonel", answers the frenchman.

The 40 lashes cut his back to shreds, laid on by an eager giant of a man, after the first 20 the frenchman passes out. He has to be stetcherd to the hospital.

"Your next german, what do want on your back?" said the Colonel.

"Nuzzthink, Colnel, i can take it" says the former SS Russian Front veteran.

The 40 lashes cut his back to shreds, he never stops humming Horst Wessell, cuts himself from the post and walks back the ranks.

"Your next englishman, what do want on your back?" said the Colonel.

"Ill have the german" says the englishman.

 

By December 1944, many of the 3 million citizens of Berlin had stopped giving the Nazi salute, and jokes circulated that the most practical Christmas gift of the season was a coffin...
--------

In the Blitz

The two Kerrymen were wending their way home from the pub in London's East End. The Blitz was at its height with German bombers overhead every night.

"Tis a terrible time to be in London,' said Pat. 'With no defence against the terrible air raids.'

'Sure it was, until now,' said Mick. 'Now of course they've found the answer. That's it up in the sky -barrage balloons!'

Mick pointed to the massive inflated objects hovering over the city on guide wires.

'You see,' he explained, 'the German planes come over and bump into the balloons and are destroyed.'

'But surely,' argued Pat, 'when the planes hit them the balloons will burst.'

'Indeed not,' said Mick. 'You see, the balloons are full of concrete!
----------

Crack Irish sniper
Mick Malone was a legend in the First World War. He was the most famous sniper in the history of warfare. The list of his victims was hundreds of names long, and yet his system was so simple. He'd worked out that ninety per cent of Germans were called Hans. So Mick would lie in no man's land, settle in a shell hole, set up the rifle and call:

'Hello, Hans, are you there?'

And a German head would rise up and shout 'Ja!'

Whereupon Malone would shoot him.

This worked very well for many months until he came across an equally smart German sniper. This man had worked out that over fifty per cent of Irishmen were called Mick, so he tried the same plan. There he lay, directly opposite Malone, and called out:

'Are you there, Mick?'

'Yes, is that you Hans?' said Malone without moving.

The German rose up and said, 'Ja!' and Mick shot him...

-------
Irish assassinate Hitler?
'Adolf Hitler drives down this road every night at 9.15 pm,' said Casey the commando. 'We'll catch him in cross-fire and blow the devil's brains out.'

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Make no mistakes. Pour in the bullets and riddle his evil carcass. Rip him to shreds,' added Casey.

'Right,' said Murphy.

'Smash him to pulp, lob grenades and phosphorous bombs and obliterate him from the face of the earth!'

'Right,' said Murphy.

There they lay, the two intrepid Kerrymen. Nine o'clock, 9.15, 9.30 - still no Hitler.

'He's awful late,' said Casey. 'I hope nothing's happened to him!'

--------
'Private Muldoon, you are the worst shot I've ever seen!' said the corporal.

'Does that mean I won't be going to the front?' asked Muldoon hopefully.

'No, son,' said the corporal. 'It means you won't be coming back.'

--------
The two Irishmen were escaping from the prisoner of war camp by scaling the fence. One stumbled and the guard called, 'Who goes there?'

'Miaow!' came the reply from Pat, and away he crept.

The second stumbled and the guard again called, 'Who goes there?'

Mick answered 'Another cat!'

-------
'We're almost out of ammunition,' shouted the soldier to Sergeant Casey.

'Don't let the enemy know,' called Casey. 'Keep firing!'

Have you heard about the Irish firing squad that stood in a circle?
-------------
Famous Russian pic of German advance...

 

During the German war with Poland:

The Germans attacked the defending Poles. The defending Pols threw hand-grenades. The Germans picked up the hand-grenades, pulled their pins, and threw them back.

 

An old one but....why the heck not?

Question?

"Why are there so many shade trees in Paris?"

Answer:

"Because German Soldiers dont like marching in the sun"

Courtesey Detlev Niemann

 

How about the one of the new Italian Tank. It had 2 forward gears and 6 reverse.

 

SOVIET JOKES:

Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for nothing one gets only ten years.

Radio Erevan is asked:
-Was communism invented by politicians or by scientists? Radio Erevan answers:
-Of course it was invented by politicians. Scientists would have tested it on monkeys in advance.

How a gipsy was kicked out of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia three times:

In 1949 they told him to take down the picture, and he took down the wrong one.

In the 50's they asked him why he didn't attend the last Party meeting to which he answered: "If I'd known that was the last one I would have been there for sure."

In 1980 he heard that DM 20,000,000 were spent on Tito's funeral and he commented: "With that sort of money we could have buried the entire Central Committee!"

A British soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise, and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we have 8000 calories of food a day!"

At this, the Russian got very annoyed and exclaimed, "Nonsense! How could one man eat so much cabbage?!"

The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Mao was once asked what he thought would have happened if Kruschev had died instead of Kennedy. ``Well,'' he replied after much deliberation, ``I doubt if Aristotle Onassis would have married Mrs. Kruschev.''

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.

Chernenko is dying. At the last moment, the spirit of Brezhnev appears in front of him and says:
- Your term on earth has expired. You'll be transfered to another world soon. One thing I'd recommend to you though: take a spoon and fork with you.
- Is there a shortage of such things in that world? asks Chernenko.
- No, no, said Brezhnev. Normally not. However, when Hitler takes charge of the cafeteria there, he'll no doubt remove all utensils and force everyone to eat with a sickle and hammer.

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
- How many Jews live in our country?
- Approximately 3-4 million.
- And how many would leave if we let them go?
- About 10-15 million...

Brezhnev gives his radio address to the Russian people:
Comrades! I have 2 important anonuncements for you - one joyful and one wistful. The wistful news is that during the next 7 years we'll eat nothing but shit. And the joyful one is that there will be an abundance of it.

 

Great ones, Kai!! I have a whole book of Radio Erevan jokes, I simply love them.

Also try this one, which I just remembered:

After a summit meeting between Krushchev and Honecker, Krushchev escorts Honecker back to the plane, where they embrace Russian-style and Honecker leaves.

Krushchev watches the plane taxi away, take off and follows it with his eyes until it is a mere speck in the sky. When it has finally disappeared, he sighs:

"Honecker may be an arsehole, but man can he kiss!!"

 

Question to Radio Erevan:
At our factory last week three people were arrested. One because he was five minutes early - clearly espionage. One because he was five minutes late - an obvious saboteur. But one was arrested because he was exactly on time. Why?

Radio Erevan answers:
This proves that he had a western watch.

Question to Radio Erevan:
Is there a safe and easy way to get myself, my wife, my children and my dog out of the Soviet Union?

Radio Erevan answers:
Probably yes, but if it were known Radio Erevan would not exist.

Here's even more, can't translate some of them. The first and last (page 8) are brilliant!

http://www.humor.li/?p=1&s=16&pg=1

[ 28. November 2002, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Andreas Seidel ]

 

Radio Erevan was/is the greatest! Unfortunately the jokes have lost some of their "bite" with the USSR fall in 1990 but anyway great jokes.

Ok, so to Japanese war jokes...

It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
--------
Banzai! More US Soldiers Contracted Social Diseases From Our Brothels!

You won't believe this.
According to a Japanese report, the Japanese government secretly set up and run brothels for US armies after the War. They are proud of the result of spreading social diseases among US soldiers.
--------

In 1972, Tanaka Kakuei went to China to establish diplomatic relation between the two countries. Instead of apologising for the War, he only said sorry about "the toubles".
The Chinese were angry. So Mao gave him a collection of poems by an ancient poet called Qu Yuan. Tanaka accepted the gift but was puzzled by Mao's intention. And none of his colleagues could explain.

There is a witty story behind it.

It happened in the 50s when two Chinese scholars flew to Japan to attend a peace conference. To kill time on the plane they challenged each other of giving a name of a Chinese poet which could properly explain the reason for Japan's surrender.

One said "Su Wu" which could mean Soviet military; but the other said "Qu Yuan" which could mean "succumb to atomic bomb".

And Qu Yuan's works is the best gift to those arrogant but stupid Japanese who refuse to face their past.

OOPS!
-------

PEARL HARBOR

For most Americans, World War II really started with the supposed Japanese "bombing" of Pearl Harbor. However, noted professor Dr. Ploktin Qwerty, an expert of Japanese aviation, has written extensively on the capabilities of 1940's vintage Japanese Zero bombers.

"They couldn't reach Tokyo from Osaka, let alone Hawaii!" he wrote in his 1984 article for the Journal of Historical Fact.
"Given their wingspans, method of propulsion and payload, the only way they could have reached any U.S. territories is as submarines![1]"

THE KAMIKAZE LIE

It was certainly in the evil media's interest to make the war up,and to make the "enemies" as ruthless and evil as possible. One notorious example is the lie that Japanese aviators were actually encouraged to destroy their valuable aircraft (and themselves) by crashing them into the sides of US ships.[2]

Dr. Rubert Faurr, a French professor of basket-weaving, has quoted no less an authority than General Douglas MacArthur on his
reaction when he heard the first rumor about these supposed suicide missions. "That's ridiculous!" MacArthur exclaimed.[3]

Honest Japanese people will also admit how absurd this claim is.The word "kamikaze" actually means "he who herds the sheep" in certain Japanese dialects, according to Japan expert Mort Clondyke.[5]
--------
[1] "Give Me a Laser Printer and I Can Publish Anything," Adolph
Publishers, Frenzy, MD, 1973.

[2] "The Great War: It Was Fantastic!," Revised History R Us,
Izan Publishing House, Stuttgart, OK, 1984.

[3] Wykol, Ernest, "The Most Fun a War Could Be," *The Journal of
Historical Fiction*, Impress Press, Erie, MO, 1982.

[4] Flatcher, Odioun, and others, "War Games: The Pinochle
Championship of 1944," Izan Publishers, Stuttgart, MI, 1985.

[5] Klondyke, Mort, "Japanese for People Who Don't Care," Surabi
Press, Dayton, OH, 1864.

[6] Proceedings of People who Need to Get a Life, page 32,
available in fine libraries everywhere.

 

General Patton told this one in 1944.....

The Army Commander went to inspect a division. As he passed up and down the ranks, he noticed that each soldier had a fork in his left breast pocket and a string hanging out of the fly of his trousers. Curious, he asked the next soldier in line:

"Son, what is the string for that is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Sir", the soldier replied, " My Division commander is a stickler for personal hygiene. He has us avoid touching our penis by pulling it out with the string when we have to urinate."

"Good --- good", said the Army COmmander, " But how do you get the penis back inside the trousers?"

The soldier answered, " Well General, I can't speak for the rest of them, but....... I use my fork.."

 

Texas Fred,

Welcome! and Aaarrghhh! That hurts...

The Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot

1. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Jim, what's this gizmo do?"

2. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.

3. He says,"We're cruising at an altitude of 4 feet."

4. The co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

5. When the plane take-off he yells,"Weeeeeeeeeeeee!"

6. At some point he announces,"Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"

7. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.

8. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

9. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy."

10. He's one of these guys...

 

Some "Kaputt" planes :

 

Some more: