Some jokes and some funny pics...

Bush's exit strategy for Iraq:
"we'll go through Iran."

 

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

 

The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :

Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.

Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.

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The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.

2. Draw him into your territory.

3. Wait until winter sets in.

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An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

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The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

http://www.ahajokes.com/military_jokes.html

 

Want to check your passport information. Try this:

http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/

 

continuing on the true headlines subject, here are two that I have personally seen in a couple of cities:

Philidelphia: "War Kills People" (large headline too!)

San Francisco: "State's Pot Law Leaves Some Dazed and Confused"

 

Nanny was walking little Joey through the zoo, stopping at the monkey cage.
The little boy throws a peanut to a monkey. The monkey puts the peanut up his butt, then eats it.
Joey asks nanny why the monkey does that. She blushes and says she does'nt know.
The zoo keeper stopped by as the boy threw another peanut to the monkey, whom stuck in in his butt,then ate it.
Little joey asks zookeeper why the monkey does that. He replies "oh,him..awhile back he ate a peach and could'nt pass the pit.
So now he measures everything".

 

An old man was sitting on the front porch watching the sunrise.A young kid comes walking by carrying a role of chicken wire.Old man yells to the kid"hey,boy,whatcha gonna do with that?"
Boy says he's gonna catch some chickens. Old man hollers back,"ya damn fool,ya can't catch chicken with chicken wire"! Boy just laughs and keeps walking. Later that evening,the boy comes walking back dragging around 20 chicken caught in the chicken wire.
Next morning the old man watches as the kid walks back up,this time carrying a roll of duct tape.
Old geezer yells "whatcha gonna do with that"? Boy says, he's gonna catch some ducks.
"Ya damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape"! Boy just smiles and keeps going. That evening the boy is coming back up the road trailing the un-rolled roll of tape with about 15 ducks caught in it.
Well,next morning the old man sees the kid coming again, carrying what looks like a reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "hey boy, whatcha got there"? Boy says "it's a pussy willow".

Old geezer says "wait up...I'll get my hat".

 

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

 

Hitler the disco Fuhrer

http://www.milkandcookies.com/article/2658/

 

Ehhh...jokes I found...

Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!


Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to me mate.

An GT6 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want car that crashed twice a day?"

bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the finest British Workmanship"


Top 12 Things NOT to say to a Cop.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been goin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in surprisingly good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officers says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

http://www.triumphspitfire.com/Jokes.html#Misc

 

LOL

Many consider Chaplin to be cinema's greatest comedian. When the priest, who was attending him on his deathbed, said "May the Lord have mercy on your soul," Chaplin quickly replied, "Why not? After all, it belongs to him."

 

A few minutes before services started,the people were seated in their pews and talking.Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming, running for the exit.Everyone except one elderly gentleman, who sat calmly in his pew seeming oblivious about the fact Satan was in his presence.

So Satan asks the man "Don't you know who I am"?
The man says "yep,sure do".
"Are'nt you afraid of me"? Satan asks.
"Nope,sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word"?
"Don't doubt it for a minute" returned the old man.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound,horrifying,physical AGONY for all eternity" persisted Satan.
"Yep" replied the man.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
A little perturbed,Satan asked "Well,why are'nt you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied "been married to your sister for 48 years".

 

The first old lady told the second old lady that sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" at night by getting naked,lying in bed and putting her legs behind her head yoga style.
Second old lady thought that'll be a great idea,so that night when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got naked and began he process of putting her 2 legs behind her head.
The first leg was kinda tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.
She had an even tougher time with her second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However,she had rocked just a little too hard and got stuck with her butt straight up in the air.
Just then her husband comes out the bath, "Gladys !!" he exclaimed.
"For heaven's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in.
You look like a #%&@ ".

 

Military Life Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has
to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

A guy was sitting on the plane when another man took the seat beside him.
2nd guy was an absolute wreck,pale,hands shaking,biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey,pal, whats the matter?" asked 1st guy.
"OmiGod...I've been transferred to New Orleans" 2nd guy answered."There are crazy people there.They have shootings,gangs,race-riots, the highest crime rate in the world."
"Hold on" said the 1st guy. "I've been in New Orleans all my life and it's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice house, enroll your kids in a good school and mind your own business...it's a safe place."
2nd guy relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh thank God,I've been worried to death but if you say it's OK I'll take your word for it."
"By the way...what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said 1st guy, "I'm a tailgunner on a bread-truck".

 

This is a little edgy...

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts the son in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband comes home minutes later, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?"
Boy - $750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - $1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again!"

 

LOL!
Another 'edgy'one:
It has been determined,the most used sexual position for married couples is a 'doggie'position.
The husband sits and begs....
the wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parrish priest and asked "father,could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not;we cannot have services for an animal in the church.But there are some Baptists down the road and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".
Muldoon said "I'll go right away father.Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exlaimed "sweet Mary,Mother of Jesus! Why did'nt ya tell me the dog was Catholic!"

 

An American tourist in London decides to skip his 'tour group' and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at local pubs.
After awhile he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood,big stately residences, no stores,no pubs and worst of all...no public bathrooms.
He 'really has to go'.He finds a narrow side-street with tall buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his 'problem'.
As he is un-zipping,he's tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,who says "I say,sir,you cannot do that here,you know".
I'm very sorry officer,replies the American, but I really.really have to go and cannot find any restrooms.
"Ah yes",said the bobbie," just follow me".He leads him to a back delivery alley,then through a gate.
"In here" points the bobbie."Whiz away sir,anywhere you wish".
Since he has the cop's blessing,he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate he says to the bobbie
"that was real decent of you...is that what they call British hospitality?"
"No sir" replied the bobbie "that's what we call the French embassy".