Some jokes and some funny pics...

Fifty? I thought it was more than that. I guess perjury/plagiarisms is/are just considered "flattery" (of being quoted/lied about) nowadays.

BurtonBlog.com - 50 Lies (and still counting) of the Half-White

 

Perfect camouflage for when SWMBO wants the house vacuum-cleaned.

 

Oh boy! ....

 

A cheap version of an APC I suppose?

 

Now everyone goes shopping in Harrods....

Londonist: Bulletproof Couture Coming To Harrods

 

'Bullet proof hoodie' condemned by gun groups - Times Online

I see, when bullet proof hoodies are outlawed, only outlaws will have bullet proof hoodies

 

So what songs would famous biblical people have sung?

Hair: sung by Samson [Hair]

I Feel Pretty: sung by Esther [West Side Story]

I Could Have Danced All Night: sung by Salome [My Fair Lady]

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head: sung by Noah [Butch Cassidy]

Stayin’ Alive: sung by Methuselah [Saturday Night Fever]

Stranger in Paradise: sung by Adam & Eve [Kismet]

The Lady is a Tramp: sung by Jezebel [Pal Joey]

The Lion Sleeps Tonight: sung by Daniel [The Lion King]

The Wanderer: sung by Moses [-]

 

Hannah goes to The Minky Farm and asks Henry, the manager, if there are any vacancies available at the farm. Henry tells her that the only job available is for a part-time lemon picker. Hannah says the job would suit her well.

After Henry has asked her some questions about her education and previous jobs, he tells her, "You’re really far too qualified for such a lowly position."

"But I would still like the job," says Hannah. "I would be very good at it."

"Do you have any experience in picking lemons," Henry then asks her.

"Well, actually, I do," replies Hannah. "I’ve been divorced three times."

 

Daniel, a scrap metal merchant and one of the few in the business still to use a donkey to pull his trailer, has been married to Judith for over 30 years. In all those years, Daniel can safely say that there’s never been a day when she hasn't nagged him. She is always complaining about something or another and the only time Daniel gets any relief is when he’s out with his donkey buying and selling scrap metal. So naturally, he goes out as often as he can.

One day, Daniel is in his back yard sitting on an upturned bucket next to his donkey. Judith brings him his lunch as usual and as soon as he has said his brochehs, Judith begins her nagging. Oy, and does she nag and kvetch! It just goes on and on with no respite. But then disaster. Daniel’s trusty donkey, for no reason at all, suddenly kicks out with both his back legs and catches Judith with a zetz to her head killing her instantly.

At the levoyah the next day, the Rabbi notices something strange. When women mourners go over to Daniel and whisper something in his ear, Daniel nods his head in agreement. But when male mourners go over to Daniel and whisper something in his ear, he shakes his head in disagreement.
After the levoyah, the Rabbi asks Daniel why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

"Well Rabbi," replies Daniel, "the women were telling me what a tzaddekes my wife was, how generous she was and how she was such a good mother. So I nodded my head in agreement, Rabbi."

"But what about the men?" the Rabbi asks, "Why were you disagreeing with them? What were they saying to you?"

"They wanted to know if I was willing to sell my donkey to them."

[SIZE=-1]brochehs: prayers, blessings[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]kvetch: to complain[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]levoyah: funeral[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]tzaddekes: righteous woman[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]zetz: blow or punch[/SIZE]

 

Just watched a DVD of "Not the nine o´clock news". Love the jokes...

YouTube - Not the Nine O'Clock News Darts Sketch

 

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Unknown
Advice for the day. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and keep away from children.
Unknown
Oh you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
Do you know why it's called PMS? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Unknown-presumed deceased

 

a good lawyer joke!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparat ion for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line

 

Ehhh... almost I´d say...but a nice poster....

 

I know I´d love this band....Just gotta wonder who the singer is or do they all sing?

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

 

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

 

Looking for Work

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country
is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can
take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine
is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put
it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You
guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him
in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

 

LMAO I havent laughed that hard in weeks. I needed that.

 

Check Borat singing after 30 secs into the video....

YouTube - Borat-Baseball