joke of the day..

A German WW2 joke about allied air supremecy: If the plane above you is Dark, it's British. If it's silver, it's American, and if there is no plane, it's German.........

Another WW2 one: An old WW2 pilot is talking to a bunch of schoolchildren of his days in combat. He says, "I was flying a routine mission, when suddenly, a Fokker appeared above me. I managed to get on his tail and blow him from the sky." Some of the boys started snickering. "Then, about four or five Fokkers started attacking our bombers, so our boys went in and we must have killed at least three". Now most of the class is giggling. "Then, a whole squadran of Fokkers dived out of the sun. After a furious dogfight, the Fokkers retreated." By this time, all the children are in hysterics. So the teacher says, "I think I should point out that "Fokker" was an aircraft company that produced warplanes". "True", said the pilot, "but these Fokkers where flying messershmitts!"

 

:lol:

 

this is old,but funny.brit stan boardman made it his trade mark joke,I'm sure if you went to you tube you'll find it there,ray..

 

watch out for those fokkers ted.he! he!

 

I'm not worried about them Fokkers. I have a guard dog.

He does kind of creep out my wife when he stares at her.

 

It happens to all of us...
You're driving along
just minding your own business,
when all of a sudden -
without any warning,
this Dick In A Truck
pulls out right in front of you......

 

Now that is funny Ray, thanks.

 

I thought it too clint,my cousin in oz sent it today....

 

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States

 

here endeth the lesson...cool clint,I'm o.k. with that...

 

Married Couple

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so, how was the honeymoon??"
"Oh momma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic."
Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But momma, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language..things I'd never heard before..I mean all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home..PLEASE MOMMA!!

"Sarah-Sarah," her momma said, "calm down and tell me what could be so awful??" "WHAT 4 LETTER WORDS??"

"Please dont make me tell you, momma," cried the daughter. "They're just TOO awful!" "COME AND GET ME PLEASE??"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset?? Tell your mother these 4 letter words."

Still crying, the bride said, "Oh momma, words like...COOK, WASH, IRON, DUST
​

 

Thanks Clint and Ray

Both funny!

 

pleasure ted...

Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Little Johnnie was in his school room looking forward to the winter holiday break. His teacher announced:

"Class, I'ii be asking three questions on history today and if you're correct you can leave for holiday two days early!"

Well, this really got the kids' attention! Little Johnnie thought, "wow, I could really use the extra days off!"

The teacher asked. " Who said ' Four score and seven years ago'?"

Little Jessica waving her hand was called on by the teacher and said: "Abraham Lincoln!" Johnnie thought to himself.."I knew that one!"

"You're correct, Jessica and excused." smiled the teacher.

"Now, who said 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself'?"

Brittany answered when called on: "Why, that was Franklin D Roosevelt, teacher"

" Excellent!" said the teacher. "You are excused." Rolling his eyes, little Johnnie had known that one too!

"Now, who said 'Do not ask what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country'." asked the teacher

Little Johnnie had know all the answers to the first two and knew this one too! He really wanted to leave early! Despite waving his hand as fast as he could , the teacher called on Monica.

"That was John F Kennedy" said little Monica.

Before the teacher could excuse her, Little Johnnie (being really frustrated) mumbled a little too loudly "I wish those little bitches had kept their mouths shut!"

Startled, the teacher demanded "WHO said that!"

Johnnie instantly responded: " That was Tiger Woods!"

 

What not to say to a policeman
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

 

Grandma Changed


In the dim and distant past

When life's tempo wasn't so fast,

Grandma used to rock and knit,

Crochet, tat and baby sit.



When the kids were in a jam,

They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym

Exercising to keep slim.



She's checking the web or surfing the net,

Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Nothing seems to stop or block her,

Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

 

A young cowboy who had just mastered ventriloquism walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly but not hard, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

 

2 little boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.



'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks, the older boy in anger.


'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.
'And I was just baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and in... the hole-he-goes!​

 

Too funny a 'toon to not share with you guys!!!

 

ha! ha! clint,well! almost right!