joke of the day..

THESE RULES WERE LISTED ON AN OLD COWBOYS TOMBSTONE IN TEXAS




FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

Getting old is easy...

Having fun at it is the real trick!

I celebrated my birthday last year by buying
an All-Terrain 4 wheeler.


This is a picture of me playing with it in the
back yard.

View attachment 14976

Click it for larger version

Life is fleeting by... Enjoy it while you can!​

 

LOL x2

 

As I rapidly approach 56 years old, I realize the only benefit is it is no longer illegal to chase girls half your age !!

 

Found on (and shamelessly swiped from) another ww2 forum:

View attachment 14984

 

Since it is Thanksgiving here in the US, I'll add a couple of my favorite quotes from comedians that I happen to remember.

Johnny Carson: "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."


Hari Kondabolu: "I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?"

 

(warning may contain expilatives..you have been teas.. warned)

Employee Notice

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R.A.P.E'D can apply to Congress to be considered for the S.H.A.F.T program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been R.A.P.E'D and S.H.A.F.T.'ED will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be R.A.P.E'D once, S.H.A.F.T'ED twice and S.C.R.E.W.E.D as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been R.A.P.E'D could get A.I.D.S (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have A.I.D.S or H.E.R.P.E.S will not be S.H.A.F.T'ED or S.C.R.E.W'ED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not R.A.P.E'D and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

 

After the Black Friday sales, and the over-reaction of some shoppers to the "deals", I just thought this cartoon was too funny/sad not to share.

View attachment 15107

 

What's in a name? According to Facebook, quite a lot it appears.

Goto:

Effin, Ireland Blocked by Facebook for 'Offensive' Name | NewsFeed | TIME.com

 

A guy goes into a bar and said, Bartender what's your most expensive whiskey ? The Bartender said I have some fine, rare whiskey that's $10.00 a shot. The guy said give me 3 shots.

He sets 3 shots up and the guy slams em down. He then said to the Bartender, give me 3 more shots and again the guy slams em down. They guy again said give me 3 more shots !!

The Bartender is amazed and tells the guy, Hey you don't have to drink them so fast, that's sippin whiskey !! The guy then tells the Bartender, I have some bad news and you would drink like this if you know what I have...

The Bartender feels sorry for him and asked the guy what do you have ???

The guy said $8 bucks....

 

LOL

 

I wish this was a real joke, and not reality. I really don't know what the CIA was thinking when the set up the task force to investigate the damage caused by the dump of a quarter million diplomatic cables to WikiLeaks. The WikiLeaks Task Force, or WTF.

Perhaps they don't have even my limited grasp of texting shortspeak.

 

Oh, WTF is a fine part of the shortspeak like What They Find or Which Team Failed ...What The F..ohhhhh.....

 

Actually....I think it makes perfect sense. You just have to stand on your head, in the corner of a dark room, close your left eye, and look at it that way. After snorting a solid kilo of crack.

...come to think of it....the US gov't might begin to make sense, then...

 

An Irishman goes to the doctor for a physical because he wasn't feeling well ...

After the physical the doctor said..... "Mr O'Malley, I don't know what's wrong with you but I think it's due to drinking"...

O'Malley said " No problem doctor I'll come back when you're sober" !!!

 

LOL

 

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

Nice. LOL

 

(got this in an email today...I work in IT, and have absolutely no problem believing these happened)



Tech Support


Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
..............................................
.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD
out !!!

Tech Support:
Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer:
Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it
yet. It's still on my desk .

. . . sorry. Thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi . . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me. I'm not Billi Gates!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't
print.

Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'.
I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
the computer still says it can't find it!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech

Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store.
..............................................
.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards.
Customer: Okay.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a
moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.
Thanks.
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in
apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?
...............................................
.
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
...............................................
.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but,
every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it.
..............................................
.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer........
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!
..............................................
.
.And last, but not least . . .
.
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring
up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!