Humor, the Best Medicine

humour

A World War 2 Royal Air Force pilot was telling a grade school class about his days in the Air Force, "In 1942 it was bad, the German Air Force was strong.
I remember one day when I was flying my fighter, protecting our bombers, when suddenly out of the clouds came a party of Fokkers".
Several schoolchildren giggled. He continued, "I looked and one was right above me. I pulled up, aimed and got the Fokker. They swarmed everywhere! Suddenly I realized that there was another Fokker behind me".
By now the students were laughing out loud.
Theie teacher interrupted. "I think I should explain that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft manufacturer".
"That's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!"

 

:lol: :lol: Best joke of the month for me :lol: :lol:

 

Just read.....some people are just friggin stupid......which is why we have http://darwinawards.com/

 

i found a very funny video of air drops gone bad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DopZgJaWstk

 

humour

the two above are hardly humour? just funny? videos.

 

I hardly think anyone here would try to cut open a grenade....much less with a chainsaw.

Or use a dud round as a hammer.

 

i have a good story. Back whent the americans were fighting in the philippines. the natives would attack the american soldiers. at that time the american officers were issued the new colt 1911 pistol. however when the natives would charge the officers, the pistol lacked the nessicary stopping power to stop the natives. on young officer wrote back to his father asking for a better pistol. His father sent him a old dragoon pistol. he wrote back to his father "i've never seen a native fly back six feet"

 

He must have shot the wizard of the tribe :lol:

 

Though it's a slightly funny story it sounds like Hollywood bogus to me.
According to Newton's laws, which so far go undisputed, if the guy he shot flew six feet back, the shooter himself should also fly six feet back.

 

Only if you make the ludicrous assumption, that the firer and target weren't in a black hole at the time.

 

Unles the shooter had his back to something (it doesn't mention what physical shape he was in when he said the line)

 

Shoted person flew 3 feet away and the shooter flew also 3 feet away. 3+3 = 6. So for the shooter it must have seen as the guy was flying 6 feet back.

 

got another one.

In France a 88 was ordered to guard a narrow point on a road. at this point one one tank could get through at a time. first tank came through, the 88 knocked it out. when the second tank came through it was knocked ot too. later after the spot was captured. the commander of the batery was asked why he surrendered he said "it's simple i ran out of ammunition and the americans didn't run out of tanks"

 

I heard a good one that I think I'd like on my tombstone.

Never play Chicken with a Kamikaze

 

Some pilot humor;


Cruel Pilot Jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there
to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he
tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds
the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "That�s enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be
exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

What's the purpose of the propeller? - To keep the pilot cool. If you
don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!


Military humor

Hot-shot fighter vs. bomber
A young guy in an F-16 fighter (single engine) was flying escort for a
B-52 (eight engines) and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over
the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber
pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the
hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid."

The motoring speed trap
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a
radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists,
when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected
reading of well over 400 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as
a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset
at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but
were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might
well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to
the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface
missile attack. Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.

Various

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He
lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it
down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast
his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot. "I bet you don't get too many
airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

*****************************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few
minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"

********************************************************

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.

**********************************************************

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."

**********************************************************

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

***********************************************************

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

***********************************************************

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get
airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC
requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how
to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign
"Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing... but I didn't stop."

********************************************************

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in
Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew
member. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you
lost the bloody war!"

 

I don't know if the above story is true or not?

But if you change the Police & their speed trap, to a coastal safety organisation (Who shall remain nameless). And the Tornado, for a Royal Navy warship in the English channel. I could tell you a very similar story that is indeed 100% true!!

 

Oh, do tell! Unless, of course, you had the helm?

 

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Depending on how well this is received, I'll give either credit or blame to King Shadow for it! :lol:

 

I say blame! :lol:

I blame my friend Marcus:

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity...


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Got Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ..... therapy

 

STOP!

HAMMERTIME!