Humor, the Best Medicine

Too good to pass:
Dream job: Bush pilot
:smok:

 

Another Glaswegian Joke

Dr Khalid Ahmed, has lodged an official complaint about the food being servedto him at Glasgow's Royal Alexandra Hospital, where he continues to receive treatment for the injuries he incurred during Saturday's failed suicide bombing.
"It's haggis for breakfast, haggis for lunch and bloody haggis for dinner!", he was heard to rasp through his oxygen mask.

What the heck did he expect to get in the Burns Unit?

 

Sleeper

Should someone wake him up?

 

How To Interpret Your Evaluation Comments

Average:
not too bright.

exceptionally well qualified:
has committed no major blunders to date.

active socially:
drinks heavily.

zealous attitude:
opinionated.

character above reproach:
still one step ahead of the law.

unlimited potential:
will stick with us until retirement.

quick thinking:
offers plausible excuses for errors.

takes pride in work:
conceited.

takes advantage of every opportunity to progress:
buys drinks for superiors.

indifferent to instruction:
knows more than superiors.

stern disciplinarian:
a******.

tactful in dealing with superiors:
knows when to keep mouth shut.

approaches difficult problems with logic:
finds someone else to do the job.

a keen analyst:
thoroughly confused.

not a desk person:
did not go to college.

expresses self well:
can string two sentences together.

spends extra hours on the job:
miserable home life.

conscientious and careful:
scared.

meticulous in attention to detail:
a nitpicker.

demonstrates qualities of leadership:
has a loud voice.

judgement is usually sound:
lucky.

maintains professional attitude:
a snob.

keen sense of humor:
knows lots of dirty jokes.

strong adherence to principles:
stubborn.

gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike:
a coward.

slightly below average:
stupid.

of great value to the organization:
turns in work on time.

is unusually loyal:
wanted by no-one else.

alert to company developments:
an office gossip.

requires work-value attitudinal readjustment:
lazy and hard-headed.

hard worker:
usually does it the hard way.

enjoys job:
needs more to do.

happy:
paid too much.

well organized:
does too much busywork.

competent:
is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

consults with supervisor often:
pain in the ass.

will go far:
relative of management.

should go far:
please.

uses time effectively:
clock watcher.

very creative:
finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

uses resources well:
delegates everything.

deserves promotion:
create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

 

A man comes home to find his wife lying in bed wearing nothing but her pink silk knickers...

"Tie me up," She purrs, "and you can do whatever you want"


So he tied her up, and went off to play golf

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing.""

 

British workforce.

Work men?

 

Merlin i have a same photo just instead of Blike from Poland it is written ME (have it my office on the wall )

 

Humour?

You've got an OFFICE?? WOW!

 

YEP. It's former armoury (up until few years back) which i share with coworker. It's dark and in the shadowy side of the building with a tree planted in front of the window (a blessing in desguise now that it is hot as hell).

 

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

 

A few years back, a South Korean president went to see Bill Clinton. The Korean did not know English. His advisor told him to say "How are you?", then when Clinton replies and says Yes I'm fine, and you?", the Korean would say "Me too."

Clinton arrives, and the Korean messes things up and says "Who are you?"

Clinton says "I'm the husband of Hillary."

The Korean says "Me too."

 

Yeah, he must have messed up. Who'd admit that publicly?

 

A dying father calls his son over to his bedside. The father says "Son, take my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you can always remember me."

The son says "But I don't really like guns. Why don't you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

The father says "Son, you're going to grow up, and have a wife, a big house, and lots of money."

"Someday you're going to come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What are you going to do then; point to your watch and say TIME'S UP?"

 

.

On his death bed , this guy call his wife and give her a round metal thing an said , this is for you as a souvenir for all those years together .
He die, get buried , the wife cry , then go on to live some more ,
always cherishing the last memento of her husband ,
as she lay dying her son come to visit her take a look and said
mum ! what are you doing with a hand grenade with no safety pin ?

.

 

Humour

8th.Army Humour WW2, from 'The Two Types' cartoon book.
It is a little old and battered like me (The Book) and if you can't read the words they say,
"Looks like the same crowd we caught at Mareth".
Will post some more if interested.Scroll left for full pic.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

From another site:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old


Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while


working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation


with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to


Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the


house.




The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Nancy is a


post turtle."




Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked


him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said,


"When you're driving down a country road and you


come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on


top, that's a post turtle."




The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face,


so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get


there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he


doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you


just want to help the poor dumb animal get down.

 

.

One of the least attractive thing about the Australian character is the way they poke fun at our New Zealand neighbors pronunciation

Here is sad example

Kiwi talk , speak aloud for better effect

Milburn ..............Melbourne
Min ....................human male
fush an chups .... fish and chips
cuds...................children
veerjun..............mythical new zealand maiden
McKennock......... person who fix cars
Pissed aside....... chemical wich kills insects
Nin tin dough.......computer game
One doze........... well known computer program
Amejeen............ visualise
Munney stroney.. .soup
Fitter cheyney .... pasta
Inner me ........... foe
beard .................a furniture for sleeping
beers .................large savage animal found in the U.S.
duffy cult............ not easy
sucks peck ........ half a dozen beers
Ear roebucks...... exercice at the gym
Sex .................. one less than sivvin
jungle bills.......... chrismass carrols

.

 

Amazingly that how a lot of the older folks in this area sound.