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Humor, the Best Medicine

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by scaramouche, Feb 3, 2005.

  1. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
    her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts
    chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering
    about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
    obvious intention of having lunch.

    The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
    down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
    the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
    one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of
    terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the tr
    ees. "Whew,"
    says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
    nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
    protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

    But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
    and figures that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
    strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious
    at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
    what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

    Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
    and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
    sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
    them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says,

    "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring
    me another leopard!"

    SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Pearls of Wisdom...


    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
    passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
    get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
    support! group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
    meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
    not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
    drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
    and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
    infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
    base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
    we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
    girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
    her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
    'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
    better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
    authors of that study: "Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
    and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
    go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
    geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez


    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
    turned sixty and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
    case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
    line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
    do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
    the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
    member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain

    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
    student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
    will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
    I never would've thought of that!'"
    --Dave Barry

    19) ! Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
    Disease" was taken.
    --Unknown, presumed deceasd
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you spot the drunk in a hospital ward?...
    He's the one thaty blows the suds off the bed pan..
    Here's looking at you kid..!
     
  2. Roel

    Roel New Member

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    Oh fun, more lists! Thanks scaramouche.

    75 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza

    1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

    2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

    3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

    4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

    5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

    6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

    7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

    8. Answer their questions with questions.

    9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

    10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

    11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

    12. Stutter on the letter "p."

    13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

    14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

    15. Change your accent every three seconds.

    16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

    17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

    18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

    19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

    20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

    21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

    22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

    23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

    24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

    25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

    26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

    27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

    28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

    29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

    30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

    31. Ask to see a menu.

    32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

    33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

    34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

    35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

    36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

    37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

    38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

    39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

    40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

    41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

    42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

    43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

    44. Try to talk while drinking something.

    45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

    46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

    47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

    48. Be vague in your order.

    49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

    50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

    51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

    52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

    53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

    54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

    55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

    56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

    57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

    58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

    59. Put them on hold.

    60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

    61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

    62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

    63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

    64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

    65. Haggle.

    66. Order a one-inch pizza.

    67. Order term life insurance.

    68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

    69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

    70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

    71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

    72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

    73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

    74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

    75. Order a steamed pizza.
     
  3. Ricky

    Ricky New Member

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    As somebody who spent 5 years working at my local Pizza Hut, all I can say is:
    "try number 7 - it will work!" :grin:
     
  4. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.

    Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption.

    The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

    To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period.

    It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

    No further testing is planned.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    WALL-MART WINES
    : click here for more information


    WAL-MART announced this morning that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

    10.Chateau Traileur Parc

    9. White Trashfindel

    8. Big Red Gulp

    7. World Championship Riesling

    6. NASCARbernet

    5. Chef Boyardeaux

    4. Peanut Noir

    3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

    2. Grape Expectations



    And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart wine:

    1. Nasti Spumante

    The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).



    P.S. Ricky, you worked 5 years in Pizza Hut..???

    "When you ascend
    to heaven
    you'll hear St. Peter yell
    Pass, oh poor soul!
    you served your time in hell!" :p
     
  5. Roel

    Roel New Member

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    I can totally picture it. "Here's your pizza madam - did you know pizza was originally Italian food for the very poor, a mix of leftovers from previous meals thrown together on dough? Back in the 15th century..." :lol:
     
  6. dave phpbb3

    dave phpbb3 New Member

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    me n my m8s went to mcdonalds and are never going again because we caused anarchy we said our orders seven times each every time changeing it slightly, got the ketchup and salt sugar a spilt all our food and drink on the floor and walked out as if we hadnt done anythin. its was fun but we cant go there again and dont want to its nasty stuff.
     
  7. Roel

    Roel New Member

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    Me and two friends once emptied a full, and I mean full McDonalds restaurant by loudly quoting from movies continuously throughout our meal. I don't think I've had that much fun since. :grin:

    The best part is when, while you know everyone is looking at you, you and your friend both know the same sequence by heart and you wish to quote it at the same time, talking louder and louder to make yourself heard over the other. :lol:
     
  8. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    How to warn somebody that his fly is open...

    10. The cucumber has left the salad.
    9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
    8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
    7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
    6. Elvis is leaving the building.
    5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
    2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

    And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
    1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
     
  9. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    Not the way l heard it..pizza under one form or iother exitred on the Middle East way back when...l am tallking about the combination of a round, flat t bread called "Pita" (which is still the staple food in that region as ell as parts of Greece and Turkey ) , plus such things as olive, chopped onios, cheese, sardines etc. Tomatoes (from the Aztec (Nahuatl) wod "tomate" was part of the "Columbian Exchange"-that is to say one of thre many food items from teh New World introduced into the old world-and they were not cheap at first..The most common version l heard in Italy (and read in some o their menus) was that a bakre's aprentice was baking bread and cooking some tomatoes for his master in the oven when a girl walked into the bakery-and he began to b.s. with her, forgetting everything else. The mater baker detected an unfamiliar, yet very apetizing aroma , and reaized that some of the tomatoes had burst and spilled into the dough-hence Pizza....

    P.S. in the Middle East (and in Europe as well, during the Middle Ages) since dishes were few, food was served on round, flat loaves of bread which afterwards were discraded and /or given to beggers...
     
  10. me262 phpbb3

    me262 phpbb3 New Member

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    :lol:
     
  11. me262 phpbb3

    me262 phpbb3 New Member

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    :roll:
     
  12. Roel

    Roel New Member

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    Scaramouche: of course the original ingredients of pizza when it was still food for the poor was not tomato, or any exotic spices obviously! I don't know exactly when the pizza was invented or who did it, but your story about the poor being given "dish bread" sounds like the origin of it. Anyway, my point was Ricky saying "do you want history lessons with that?" :lol:
     
  13. KBO

    KBO New Member

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    Perfect road for a getaway !.
    :p
     
  14. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    Thank you for flying Northwest!


    A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

    The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

    The boy said, "Yes she did."

    "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.

    Have a good flight and thank you for flying Northwest!
     
  15. corpcasselbury

    corpcasselbury New Member

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    I love these pictures!!!! I bet a lot of police agencies would like to enforce the speed limit with that type of aircraft! :lol:
     
  16. Ricky

    Ricky New Member

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    Yes, 5 long years while at college & Uni...
    But I worked in the kitchen, not as a waiter, so managed to almost entirely avoid the customers!
    Imagine thinking of me being simply a history nerd who can't wait o lecture everybody he meets... :evil:
    Have we met? :grin:

    Oh, and my friend and I once emptied a karioke restaurant by singing 'Hey Jude' very, very badly! :grin:
     
  17. KBO

    KBO New Member

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    OMG ! :eek: :grin:
     
  18. KBO

    KBO New Member

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    The new "F-18 Crook-chasing law-enforcer" sits tight, while waiting for a law-breaker ! :lol: :grin:
     
  19. scaramouche

    scaramouche New Member

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    Oh well we all had hellish jobs at that stage-

    South Brookln Tony is sitting on a park bench gobbling up one candy bar after the other. An elderly gentleman sitting across Tony shakes his head and finally says :" Young man, you shouldn't eat so much candy, it'll ruin your teeth, it'll raise the level of your cholestorol, and it'll make you fat!

    Munching away Tony replies:" My granfather lived to be 107 years old!"
    Amazed the old man shoots back" By eating candy?" and Tony smirks" No, by minding his own freaking business!" :p :p :p
     
  20. KBO

    KBO New Member

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    Now what are you going to do in such a situation ?! :grin:
     

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