Humor, the Best Medicine

Geography of a woman/man

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia - she is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan - completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina - she may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq - she lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada - very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia - with a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan - everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

 

Hangover ratings

Hangover Ratings


1 star hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Irish breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.





4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.










6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!

 

Works party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2004
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols …. please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorrry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Pauline



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Happy Holidays !

 

Hostage

Every “Hormone hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty pounds

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

 

How to be annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

 

How to stay awake in meetings

HOW TO STAY AWAKE AT MEETINGS

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size.

Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy

* strategic fit

* core competencies

* best practice

* bottom line

* revisit

* take that off-line

* 24/7

* out of the loop

* benchmark

* value-added

* proactive

* win-win

* think outside the box

* fast track

* result-driven

* empower (or empowerment)

* knowledge base

* at the end of the day

* touch base

* mindset

* client focus(ed)

* paradigm

* game plan

* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."-Paul D., Caloundra

* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David D., Rockhampton

* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Sydney

* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."- Kathleen L., Canberra

 

'I' onwards to follow.

:smok:

 

Re: Excerpts from the Queens Mum's book of rememberance

These are real???
Good going so far - keep 'em coming!

 

Promotion

Do i get promotion - Supreme Commander sounds good.

 

If people bought cars like they bought computers

If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't
know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers -- but imagine if they did ...


HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"

===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then
it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn't crash anymore!"

===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!"

 

International Rugby

International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2003

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

b.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

d.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

e.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

f.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

g.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

h.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

i.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

j..The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

k.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

l.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.

m.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their matesto come and live with them in Shepherds Bush

 

IT support

IT support

1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a consultant's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT.
Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a consultant on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a consultant asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes'
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into an IT in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on
weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

 

Its not our fault, its the way things are

It's not our fault, it's just the way things are...
40 Things Women Just CAN'T Do

1. Know anything about a car except its colour
2. Go 24 hours without sending an SMS
3. Throw
4. Run
5. Park
6. Fart properly
7. Read a map
8. Resist Ikea or Freedom
9. Sit still
10. Eat a kebab/souvlaki whilst walking
11. Piss out of a train window
12. Argue without shouting
13. Get told off without crying
14. Use the suicide lane
15. Walk past a shoe shop
16. Resist sending on those poxy heart-warming e-mails
17. Resist commenting on strangers' clothes
18. Use a small amount of toilet paper
19. Drink a pint gracefully
20. Shout a round
21. Throw a punch
22. Be a magician
23. Enjoy porn
24. Eat a decent hot curry
25. Get to the point
26. Buy plain envelopes
27. Take less than 40 minutes in the shower
28. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying, "I'm cold"
29. Go shopping and know what they want
30. Assemble furniture
31. Rent a decent DVD/video
32. Set a video recorder
33. Watch a war film
34. Understand why their flirting pisses us off
35. Spend a day by themselves
36. Go to a nightclub toilet by themselves
37. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
38. Quickly choose a rental DVD/video
39. Enjoy a good burp
40. Get this far without having argued with at least one of the above

 

Jim Morrison (one for the Brits mainly)

Jim Morrison is in one corner of a room with the rest of his band. In the other corner are John Lennon, Paul Mcartney , George Harrison and Ringo Starr.

All of them NAKED.


Gillian Tailforth walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, then his drummer and then the keyboard player. When she’s finished , she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there is a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a mini cooper.

He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts 'your only supposed to blow ....... the bloody doors off'.

 

Kid Facts

Kid facts

For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - let this be a form of birthh control!
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: "Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very
expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the story Of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said...'Holy xxxxx! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for
the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

 

Language

Girls English

Yes = No

No = No

May-b = No

“It’s your decision” = the correct decision should be obvious by now!

“Do what you want” = you’ll pay for this later!

“We need to talk” = I need to bitch

“Sure…. go ahead” = I don’t want you to

“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset you stupid moron!

“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you are not going to like me for.

“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.

“You have to learn to communicate!” = Just agree with me

“Are you listening to me?” = Too late, you’re dead!



Guy’s English

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry

“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy

“I’m tired” = I’m tired

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I take you to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage

“You look tensed, let me give you a massage?” = I want to fondle you.

“What’s wrong?” = what meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

“What’s wrong” = I guess sex is out of the question tonight.

“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex

“I love you” = Lets have sex right now

“I love you too” = OK, I said it, we’d better have sex now

“Lets talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I’m a deep person and then maybe you’d like to have sex with me.

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

 

Military jokes

"A slipping gear could let your M 203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B- 52 s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -USAF Ammo Troop

 

Mottos

1. I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time, chances
are you won't be needing him/her again.

6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck
is the ceiling?"

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of
the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.

26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity I have erased this line.

27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.

28. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.

29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of
your life.

30. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane.

 

Mottos 2

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone. Feck Off!

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

 

Name that virus

Name That Virus
The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.