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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    Speaking of females, i.e. "wives":

    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxi-way! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

    "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

    Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
     
  2. texson66

    texson66 Ace

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    Ms. Jones, a teacher, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.

    To the Catholic boy, Patrick, she said: "Tell me Patrick, what you do at Christmas time"?

    Patrick said, "Well, me and my brothers go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
    "Very nice Patrick”, she said.

    To the Baptist boy, Jimmy, she said: “Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?"

    "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to the Baptist church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home very late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We go to sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

    Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class, and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"

    Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, and drive to Dad's toy factory. We look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
     
  3. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    Employee evaluations one would not enjoy having.

    "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
    "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."
    "This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
    "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
    "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."
    "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
    "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
    "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."
    "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (my favorite)
    "This employee should not be allowed to breed."
    "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."
    "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
    "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."
    "He's been working with glue too much."
    "He would argue with a signpost."
    "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
    "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
    "Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."
     
  4. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    good fun clint/texson,very funny,thanks for good jokes,ray
     
  5. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
     
  6. coastwatcher

    coastwatcher Member

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    A man and woman were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary with all their children and grandchildren when the husband started crying uncontrolably. His children gathered around him and asked what was wrong.

    The old man said, "You kids never knew this, but when I was a young man, I got into some trouble with the law. When I went before the judge, he told me that he was a very important man and I was a nothing. He said he could sentence me to 50 years in prison and no one would question it. Then the judge told me that if I would marry his daughter it could all be brushed under the rug." The old man then started bawling hysterically.

    "Why are you crying like that dad," asked one of his sons. The old man replied, "I would have been a free man today!"
     
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  7. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    good one coastwatcher....
     
  8. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
     
  9. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    You're killin' me Ray. What a way to start the day. Thanks.
     
  10. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    always good to hear lou,have a great weekend,ray..:)
     
  11. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    A guy walks into a bar. On his arm is the most beautiful woman anyone has ever seen. He pulls out a huge wad of cash and tells the bartender to set up drinks for everyone in the house. As soon as the bartender finishes, a tiny man jumps up on the bar and smashes every glass with a hammer. The customer apologises profusely, and asks the bartender to refill all the drinks. As soon as he does so, the little man jumps out again and repeats the carnage. Once again, the man apologises, but the bartender is curious. "Say, pal, what's going on here?" "Well", the man explains, "a while back I found a magic lantern. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes. First, I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world, and here she is. Second, I wished for all the money in the world, and I have it. Third, I wished for an 18" pr**k. And there he is."
     
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  12. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    thanks for good joke lou,I've just got in from a good night out,off to bed now,happy...ttfn,ray..
     
  13. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

    "Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

    "OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

    Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

    There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

    They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her kn....rs down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

    This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

    As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

    "No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
     
  14. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
     
  15. tfer13

    tfer13 Member

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    I found this at Freerepublic today
     

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  16. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    thanks ted,good giggle,nothing like agony columns.....

    Three old women were sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a man jumps from the bushes and flashes at them. Two of them had a stroke, but the 3rd couldn't quite reach.
     
  17. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...:rolleyes:

    - Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

    - Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

    - Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

    - If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

    - Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

    - Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
    drop things.

    - Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

    - Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

    - Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

    - Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

    - Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

    - Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

    - Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

    - Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

    * Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!:)
     
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  18. Volga Boatman

    Volga Boatman Dishonorably Discharged

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    Popular joke amongst Catalina crews....

    "Sighted enemy carriers. Notify next of kin."
     
  19. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    I'm sending that off to my ex. I took her skiing exactly once, and she would certainly claim that every one of those things happened to her. I only got her as far as an intermediate slope, and I had gone down the slope a ways and asked her to follow me and I would give her hints and tips on her form and style as she went by. As she picked up steam, all I had taught her to do at this point was the snowplow slowdown/stop.

    As she went steaming past me I hollered out to remember how to slow down, point your tips together and "snowplow". All she did was point her tips together with no inside edge pressure. It was an amazing crash, they crossed, she vaulted over both her skis and one pole, and what happened next looked for all the world like a yard sale.

    Ski here, pole there, beanie here, glove there, googles somewhere, ripped jacket on screaming female wearing one glove. I got her down the rest of the way with the help of the Ski Patrol, and took her to the lodge for a hot cuppa chocolate and there she stayed the rest of the day.

    The only good thing to come out of that was when my friends wanted to go skiing at anytime in the future, I only had to buy one lift ticket. She would just start shaking her head and mumbling if I asked her along.
     
  20. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    oh dear! you saw the funny side for real clint,it is like that then...ray..
     

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