joke of the day..

another gem clint....ha! ha!

 

Ten words that don’t exist, but should:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

ha! ha! the phone ring twice,mmm! clint thats me!

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

 

The Procrasinator's Creed, if anyone ever attempted to become one on purpose. Usually the members are voted in by others (usually spouses), but even then they should recognize this Creed:

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid work and/or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a half-lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year, and someone to blame.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word. When I get around to it.

I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/wait/revise.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
　

 

Arshavin vs Liverpool players....

Andrey Arshavin is a Manure fan in Back To The Future viral | The Sun |Sport|Football

 

I like it kai,,I've been waiting to see gerrard dropped in it since his great escape from the farce of a trial for punching the barman this year,there is a god...

 

were on a roll clint, keep the yuletide crackers coming,ray..

 

Christmas Carols For the Mentally Disturbed


Carols for the Mentally Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

 

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed to represent my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

 

morning clint,the day starts here,with a laugh...

 

A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale, and obese. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doc says, "hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window?" "Now over next to the door." "Now under the bookshelves." "Thank you."

He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her. "No, he says, you need to see your internist about your poor health." "Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?"

"Oh, I'm having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it."

----------

Crazy Making Behavior

Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy Now, this is only a joke, so don't try this at home!!

MEN:

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)

2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.

7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

9. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

10. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

11. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

12. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

13. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

14. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

WOMEN:

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

 

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

 

Kurt Hammerstein-Equord was born in Hinrichshagen, Germany, on 26th September, 1878. He joined the German Army and was attached to the General Staff during the First World War. Hammerstein-Equord was appointed Chief of the General Staff of the Reichswehr in 1930. He was extremely hostile to the Nazi Party and warned Paul von Hindenburg about the dangers of appointing Adolf Hitler as chancellor. Hammerstein -Equord's opposition to Hitler was well-known and in February, 1934, he was dismissed from office.

During World War II he was involved in several plots to overthrow Hitler. Kurt Hammerstein-Equord died in Berlin on 25th April, 1943. This is what he had to say about his officers:

'I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!'

Miscellaneous Military Anecdotes

 

Content-Type: text/plain Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2) From: Peter Langston <psl> Date: Tue, 27 Oct 98 16:15:06 -0800 To: Fun_People Precedence: bulk Subject: 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years (Dave Barry) X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 [Almost all of these things I find to be true (unlike the usual list of "interesting facts"). The only part that rings false has to do with the interchangeability of certain soft drinks -- at least to us connoisseurs... -psl] Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com> -------------------------------------------------------------------- 25 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry) ---------------------------------------------------------
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (Dave Barry)

See:

Fun_People Archive - 27 Oct - 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years (Dave Barry)

 

Very good Clint enjoyed these very much. Perfect way to end the day.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

thanks ww2f

all the best,

Jem

 

Robin Wiliams quotes:

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.


Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

 

Sound Advice:

 

A Really Bad Choice of Sermons (but maybe truth in advertising?)

 

2009: The Year in Review!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/originals/never_a_year_like_09