Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by Biak, Jan 23, 2013.
I got back from skiing in Park City, Utah Sunday evening, and I feel like I've been beat with the broad side of a boat paddle. I didn't train up enough this year and got whupped good. Good thing for beer, hot tubs and stogies.
Yeah well I wake up this morning and look outside.
It's 75o here. Just saying.
Nice today and tomorrow, then winter is making a return, with possible snow Tuesday. I, for one am, sick of this. Spring is supposed to be here.
C'mon man, we're in Pennsylvania, you know we have one good "onion snow" coming.
Well you better get used to rain....British rain...and reign even...
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
I would really like to take the time to respond to the above ramblings of the Mad Englishman but Life calls me to duty.
I will say this
He's BAA-AACCKK !
Oh and Urgh;
you actually not only watched Four Weddings and a Funeral but just admitted to it in an open forum??
Can't wait to see what happens to ya after 6-21-14
God Bless AMERICA !
God Save the Queen and Prince William.
I don't know about many of you but I would not notice the retirement of Congress or the Senate and that, my friends, is a sad commentary on the State of the Union. Very sad.
Rugby sounds good, ha ha (nancies). Scrum out. But only if we can still use ya'll in certain areas of the South and Midwest, retain our K Bars and keep the NHL. The UK will grant the US a concession by adding Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool and Chelsea NHL franchises that will be bankrolled by the Steinbrenner and Kraft families.
Bloody Traitor !!
Now if ya had said Let's save Pippa, I'd be right there.
What's a pippa? Some sort of British bieber or something?
What's a Pippa ? Oh bloody hell have we lost that much interest we do not follow the Royals anymore. Pippa is sorta a counterpart to Harry. I suppose ya'all don't know who Harry is either? He's Williams brother and Mum's grandson. I think it's Mum, hard to tell they mumble so. I'll wait to see if our resident Englishman will step in here and explain the linage a bit better. It gets rather confusing what with all the Kings,Queens, Princesses, Princes, Dukes of Hazards, ect.
Only reason I mentioned Pippa in the first place was to see if anyone was paying attention.
Philippa Charlotte "Pippa" Middleton is an English socialite, celebutante, author, columnist, and the younger sister of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Wikipedia
ROYALS? The only Royals that are welcome here are in KC.
I'm late reading Urqh's product of too much Scotch, but thats exactly where I was going....
If we are going to try to save anyone I suggest Emily Blunt ! As for doing away with our Congress who would provide us with honest leadership, pass laws to protect the interest of the people , staunchly defend us against corporate lobbyist and provide role models for our children as well as insist that not only English but science be taught in our schools and stop the creep of that irrational metric system into our society. If God wanted us to use metric he would have given it to us.
I still want my just due for my ancestors saving England, the Welch, Scots, and Northern Irish can damned well take are of them selves.
And what's with all this "bloody hell and Mum" stuff eh? You fell into a bottle of Jameson or some room temperature ale of something like that?
Naw, I was hoping to get urghs attention but it looks like he's busy with the new Miss.
I'll admit I'm getting a little giddy and cabin fever is really setting in. We dodged another Winter storm last night, it's Spring so it should have been a Spring Storm anyway. They were calling for 8 to 12 inches of snow with ice mixed in there somewhere - woke up this morning with a 'dusting' and a little crunchiness on the ground from the sleet.
Fishing is still good though. Solid 24 to 30 ices of ice on the lake and good conditions so far for the snowmobile to get around on.
Biak, is snow that white stuff that falls, or is that sleet. Heard about it and have seen pictures but not first hand. Could you mail some to Alabama ?
Yes it is Gaines. It falls. It gets deeper and deeper. It's real fun to drive on too. And most of all it doesn't seem to go away. Ever!
Today marks the beginning of our seventh month of Winter. Of course a 'dusting' here is anything less than 3" which is what I have in the driveway. On top of the 2-3 inches of ice that's accumulated since this Winter began. The 15 to 20mph winds with gust near 30 created some neat snowdrifts too. Now those are really impressive! I can't currently get out our basement walkout since the open area to the North is perfectly situated to collect all the snow blowing in off the lake. The grill hasn't been seen in months and with the last "dusting" the Tiki torches (6 feet tall) disappeared again.
Oh and the sleet doesn't fall. It usually comes at ya from more of a horizontal slant. Coupled with the wind it's like getting splattered with teeny-tiny needles. It's quite exhilarating. I've heard people pay good money to have someone else stab them with needles, acupuncture, and here we get the same thing for free just by stepping outside at the right time. Last night was another good example. Before the snow arrived we were treated to about an hour of 25-40mph winds coming in from the North East. One heck of a racket with the sleet bouncing off the steel siding. Could barely hear my wife speaking to me over the noise. Not that that was ..... never mind.
Another aspect of Snow is you get a better work-out than anything you could pay for at a Gym or exercise center. Take yesterday, I decided to go check the hunting stand and when I zigged where I should have zagged, the snowmobile tilted, just a little, and all of a sudden I was stuck in waist deep snow. Snow is funny like that too. It can be a foot deep here and just as easily be 3 feet deep right THERE! I found the 3 foot deep spot. Here is where the workout begins. You get down on your knees and after swearing I mean Thanking the Lord, you dig out all the snow you can reach. Then get back on and rock er' back a forth and give it the gas. After that fails you repeat this two or three times which usually does it. Wearing two pairs of socks, heavy Winter boots, three layers of clothes and a pair of insulated coveralls it doesn't take any time at all to work up a good sweat. I also found out my hearing is still good too. I could hear my heart beating, pounding really, in my ears so loud I thought the DNR was flying over with their helicopters again doing a Deer census. By the way, I did make it to the stand and only saw one set of tracks. It seems the Deer have said the hell with it and are now just standing around in peoples yards begging for table scraps.
I'd be more than happy to send you all the snow you'd want but I'm afraid once you experienced the type of fun we have up here you'd want to move North.
It was 80 degrees today. Winter is over down south finally. Got the season's first sunburn today riding the motorbike around town.