Some jokes and some funny pics...

I just "love" these guys....

I fired a 2.5-inch nail into my head ... so the doctor removed it using a claw hammer | Mail Online

 

And this....

WHAT DOCTORS SAY / WHAT THEY’RE REALLY THINKING...........


* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week."
(I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.)

* "Let’s see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I’d like to have my associate look at you."
(He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I’d like to prescribe a new drug."
(I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That’s quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I’m going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I’d like to run some more tests."
(I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.)

 

-What was Alzheimer's first name again?

-Hmm I don't know...

-See that's how it starts!!!

 

Adam Scott's caddie in blue, two arrested | The Daily Telegraph

 

Computer Dependency Test

Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we have become way too dependent on our computers.



Q: Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...
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Look down, not scroll down!

 

:groan: (I learned that from Za)

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephants foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant trumpeted loudly, all the time while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those sensitive and heart-warming stories.

 

Excellent, You made my day with that one!

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?

 

closer than most would admit

 

A story from a French Magazine.

 

To quote Yes Prime Minister:

The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.



More great quotes from Yes Minister:

Sir Humphrey: In practical terms we have the usual six options. One do nothing, two issue a statement deploring the scene, three launch an official protest, four cut off aid, five break off diplomatic relations and six declare war.
Jim: Which should we do.
Sir Humphrey: Well if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech, two if we issue a statement we just look foolish, three if we lodge a protest it will be ignored, four we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any, five if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts and six if we declare war it might just look as if we're over-reacting.

Sir Humphrey: Why do you suppose we went into it (the EC)?
Jim: To strengthen the brotherhood of free western nations.
Sir Humphrey: Oh really, we went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.
Jim: Why did the French go into it then?
Sir Humphrey: Well to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.
Jim: It certainly doesn't apply to the Germans.
Sir Humphrey: Well no, they went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.
Jim: I never heard such appalling cynicism

Sir Humphrey: Minister, aren't we making a little too much of this, possibly blighting a brilliant career because of a tiny slip made thirty years ago? After all it's not such a lot of money wasted.
Jim: Forty million pounds?
Sir Humphrey: Well not compared with Blue Streak, TSR2, Trident, Concord, high rise council flats, British Rail, British Leyland, British Steel, Upper Clyde Shipbuilders, the Atomic Power Station Program, comprehensive schools, the University of Essex.

Sir Humphrey: Minister I think there is something that perhaps you ought to know.
Jim: Yes Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey: The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion, is, not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whose present interlocutor, is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
Jim: Beg your pardon.
Sir Humphrey: It was I.

Jim: How am I going to explain the missing documents to the Mail?
Sir Humphrey: Well this is what we normally do in, circumstances like these. [hands over a file]
Jim: [reading] This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, a few others lost in the flood of 1967. [to Humphrey] Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?
Sir Humphrey: No a marvellous winter, we lost no end of embarrassing files.
Jim: [reading] Some records which went astray in the move to London, and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for liable or breach of confidence, or cause embarrassment to friendly governments. [to Humphrey] Well that's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at? [Humphrey says nothing] How many does that actually leave? About a hundred? Fifty? Ten? Five? Four? Three? Two? One? Zero?
Sir Humphrey: Yes Minister.

No we can't have alphabetical seating in the abbey, we'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other, plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew. We'd be in danger of starting World War III. I know Ireland begins with an I but no. Ireland doesn't make it any better, Ireland doesn't make anything any better.

 

Definatly one of the best Series the british made. Up high with the big aces like "Blackheader" "The Flying Circus" in this forum one cannot forget "Allo Allo" oh and more recent shows as "Goodness gracious me" "Cupling" "The fast show" and one of my favs, "My Family"!

Oh this is awsome:

YouTube - Sarah Silverman Trashes Paris Hilton at the VMA's
(pay a close look to jack Nicholson face)

YouTube - I'm F***** Matt Damon by Sarah Silverman

YouTube - Jimmy Kimmel is F***** Ben Affleck! Re: to Matt & Sarah


Cheers...

 

The Schit Family History

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!

 

lol that one was really good indeed. Kudos to you



Cheers...

 

For some reason this ad seems very popular on the front page

View attachment 2542

Context sensitive?.. or is somebody trying to tell us something .

Cheers,
Adam.

 

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sam was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sam tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.

'What in bag?' asked the old man.

Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

'Good trade.'

 

FAIL Blog - Fail and Epic Fail Pictures and Videos: Failblog.ORG

 

some laughs

 

Got teeth?