Things I Learned/Realised from Watching War Movies

I found this on another forum, I thought some of the Rogues might like it:

Things I Learned/Realised from Watching War Movies:

-There's always a GI in the unit from Brooklyn.

-French Resistance fighters wear black leather jackets and berets, and there is always a sexy looking female in the group.

-The stiff Nazi officer rides in the back of a long black convertable with the top down.

-People are always having a nice time on Dec. 6, 1941. It never sucks, they are always in a great mood right before they get the news about Pearl Harbor.

-The guy about to go home always get it.

-Escaped POWs always hide in hay wagons.

-The soldier who was just talking about home is the next one to get it.

-Italian soldiers are never serious opponents or butt-kiickin' professional soldiers--they are always buggering off or surrendering, and are either unenthusiastic draftees, or bumbling fascist goombas.

-The best, most successful soldiers are always the non-conformist, anti-authoritarian, play by their own rules, black sheep guys--they are never the professional guys who are the product of years of training, experience, and tradition and who work within the system.

-Generals are always thick-headed, dishonest and/or corrupt, narrow-minded, self-aggrandizing donkeys who will insist on ignoring the warnings and suggestions of the anti-authoritarian non-conformist in his command until the shit really hits the fan. And oh, yes, a general is also careless with the lives of the men under him.

-American army officers on the western frontier in the latter ninetheenth century are always genocidal maniacs. Unless of course, they are the anti-authoritarian non-conformist type.

-The enemy (WWI Germans, WWII Germans, Japanese of any period, Tuetonic knights, Saracens, indigenous tribesmen, migrating tribesmen, Turks, Arabs, Vikings, barbarians on horseback, barbarians on foot, the Boxers, Nationalist Chinese, Communist Chinese, Mexicans, Russians, Spanish Nationalists, Spanish Republicans, whatever...you fill in the blank...)will always attack in massive human waves that threaten to overwhelm the good guys by sheer weight of numbers and mindless obedience to their leaders. If possible, they will do so while waving flags, screaming like maniacs, blowing horns, beating drums, and/or farting as loudly as possible. Tactics, skill, organization, leadership, and weapons or equipment on the enemy side will not be a enter into the outcome .

-When a soldier gets shot, he'll get hit, spin around, hold his chest, stop and face the camera, give a look of unimaginable pain, then drop to the ground.

- There is always one German officer with an different uniform colour for no apparent reason.

- M48's make great King Tigers or Panthers, M24's make great Shermans, M3 Halftracks make great Hanomag 251's

- In 60's British movies a Ferret armored car with a big tube for a gun and cardboard tracks and armored skirts makes a great Tiger.

- One guy in the squad always pulls off a neat stunt, but buys a bullet in the process.

- 99% of Germans wear the early war pattern uniform complete with helmet decals and jackboots

- 65% of German soldiers carry MP40's, the others carry Kar 98's, unless they are guards and MP40 alotment is 100%

- 20% of German soldiers wear a WWI helmet

- Whenever German soldiers are on alert and rushing to their positions an NCO will scream "Schnell! Schnell!"

-German words consist mainly of: Achtung, Feuer, Jahowl, Herr...(Insert rank here) Halten, Kommen Sie Hier, and the rest is just broken english.

- Germans soldiers prefer the MG42. In some rare cases they will use Browning .30 Machineguns or Vickers .303 MG's. MG34's are unheard of

- The GI who bitches the most is the toughest fighter of the bunch (Reiben in SPR)

- German officers ALWAYS love classic music and Opera EXCEPT Wagner, they love art, but often dislike German art, they always visited Paris before the war and confess they love France and dislike anything German

- Movies shot from the German point of view always end with the death of all the protagonists in a annihilistic anti-war ending.

- US soldiers equipped with Thompsons will never run out of ammo.

- At least one Japanese plane in a flight will do a suicide attack when damaged.

- British officers are polite, educated and have class. US officers in comparison have been raised by wolves.

- Captured German uniforms will fit any Allied soldier, regardless of size.

- German officers prefer dark and forbidding medieval castles over later period, more comfortable castles and palaces.

- Any animal or object with a name will be killed/destroyed during the movie.

- Japanese soldiers don't know how to use their rifles, they just do bayonet charges and some of them wear very thick glasses and are either sociopaths, or reluctant warriors serving their emperor.

- When behind enemy lines, Allied soldiers are always strafed by their own side.

- The Allied officer in charge of a prisoner camp is always British.

- When British soldiers are in a movie they will either have a bagpiper or mention the instrument.

- German tanks are always bigger than allied tanks.

- All fanatical Nazi officers have a direct phone line to Himmler's desk in Berlin.

-Vietnam films are not funny.

-The following people could've ended WWII sooner: Clint Eastwood, Gregory Peck, John Wayne, George C. Scott, William Holden, Peter Falk, Henry Fonda, Burt Lancaster, Steve McQueen, Lee Marvin, and Chuck Norris.

-When in doubt, use a P-51 Mustang and paint Luftwaffe crosses and a swastika and BAM! Instant Messerschmitt!

-Submarine skippers will do either two of the following: If wounded, they'll order the XO to dive while they're still on the conning tower, or they'll stay on the conning tower alone with shells screaming around him screaming to "Maintain full power chief! All the power you've got! ALL THE POWER YOU'VE GOT!!!

-All Germans are poor shots. Except for Ed Harris.

-When shot, the obligatory sniper in the bell tower will use his remaining strength and take a 40-50 foot header to the ground below.

- British officers always go into battle with a bag of golf clubs, a dinner jacket, a walking stick, a winchester hunting rifle, and bagpipes.

-In air battles over Europe, Bf-109's make up 90% of the Luftwaffe's fighter strength. FW-190's are unheard of, and P-51D's appeared in late summer 1943 (See Memphis Belle)

-At Pearl Harbor, all the U.S. Battleships were not in staright lines when sunk, but all clustered around each other on fire and sinking.

-Essex class carriers that were modified postwar make good Japanese flattops.

-WWII was un-officially started in 1936 by a guy in leather jacket, Fedora, and whip.

-Convicts make good commandos.

-Col. Klink should've been made Fuhrer when Hitler killed himself.

-All German destroyers were shaped like naval tugs.

-The fleet admiral on board the Bismarck was a stiff hardcore Nazi, and the Captain had the personality of a 2X4.

 

It's all true!

Anyway, all of this looks ridiculous to our jaded eyes as we already know too much, but the truth is that for a young chap like me in the 60s these same films so full of flaws as they now obviously are were very important in defining a long life affection. Bless them!

 

Heck Miguel, I grew up with these films. Much of what I know is from comparing the "facts" of these films to real facts. Many hollywood warfilms are like a great friend who's drunk. They don't make much sense, but they are great because of it!

 

From the official rulebook on British warmovies.

There are three character types in the army.

1. Private/Corporal. A lazy Cockney that generally can't be bothered about the Army, but saves the day.

2. Sergeant/Engeneer Generally a northerner or a Scot who is gruff and fond of discipline. Towards the end of the movie we learn that he has a heart of gold.

3. Any officer type. An aristo with an accent so posh it can cut a VW beetle in half. Witty and charming. Preferably highly eccentric and/or a bit dim.

 

The guy up in any tower,always gets it.
A hand grenade will bring a tower down.
A hand grenade will lauch people up in the air.
Germany only had Tiger tanks.
Fighter pilots always grit their teeth when they shoot.
Japanese pilots smile when they strafe civilians.
70% of US GIs used Thompsons.

 

Excellent Peppy!! I have read it twice now and still can stop laughing!! Sooooooo TRUE!

 

Man, this is good stuff. I sat down to watch Battle of the Bulge the other night with my wife and we laughed most of the way through it. All the points were almost directed and said in the movie, lol. All the Germans that were shot at some point in the movie had to violently throw their hands in the air as they took one more step and caught themselves before landing and about half the time took a tumble or two uphill. It was great!

 

How many times do you see a gun being reloaded?

You saw TBB Now that takes guts! When I do something nasty as a penance my priest orders me to see Dr. Zhivago again

 

As was said ...
Every German tank was a Tiger.
Every German fighter was a Messerschmidt.
Every Japanese fighter was a Zero.
The Japanese were dirty fighters because they didn't line up and walk in attack.
Firing from the "hip" is standard.
Endless ammo, in any weapon.
Either P_ss Poor shots, or absolutely amazing.
Bad guys "snicker" when they're shooting.
Sniper always gets shot through his scope. Now they tried this on "Myth Busters", many times, from many ranges, and the (pair or series of "convex" lenses) always deflected the round, and prevented it from going straight through.
I know Carlos Hathcock (Marine Sniper) said he did it,....I don't doubt he got him, but I do doubt (the bullet) went in one end of the scope and out the other.

I have a video about Kursk and a Russian is being interviewed. He says something simple yet profound..."Death does not always look you in the eye. Sometimes it comes from behind, or crashing down from above."

 

Sylvester Stallone can beat a whole NVA regiment single handed.

Chuck Norris can beat a whole NVA battalion single handed.

50% of American GIs are named Joe or Mac.

 

I watched Enema at the gates and learnt it was actually possible to dislike Jude Law more than I already did, this surprised me very much.

I also had never realised that German officers, particularly the more fanatical Nazi's, nearly all spoke with cut glass English accents (of the kind that can cut a VW in half).

Cheers,
Adam.

 

Hilarious and True!

Thanks for that, Peppy!

 

Excellent find Peppy !

What is so bad about Dr. Zhivago ??