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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Oh my!
     
  2. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    some really bad predictions and opinions, as recorded down through the years!


    • "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
    • "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949
    • "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
    • "But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
    • "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
    • "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.
    • "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
    • "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.
    • "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
    • "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.
    • "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
    • "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
    • "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."
    • "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
    • "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
    • "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
    • "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
    • "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
    • "It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.
    • "I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.
    • "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.
    • "That Professor Goddard with his 'chair' in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react--to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.
    • "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
    • "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
    • "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
    • "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
    • "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.
    • "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
    • "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
    • "There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
    • "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.
    • "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
    • "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
     
  3. W.P. Sullivan

    W.P. Sullivan Member

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    One night, Jessi-Jo found her father, The Old Gunny, standing over her newborn baby's crib in the darkness as the baby slept.

    Silently she watched him for almost ten minutes.

    As The Old Gunny stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

    She imagined that he is thinking of the Friday morning in nineteen years, when he will be sitting in the grandstands at Parris Island, watching his grandson graduate on the Peatross Parade Deck.

    "It's amazing,"murmured The Old Gunny.

    Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her father."I know, Daddy," she said.

    "It's amazing," The Old Gunny repeated.


    "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $44.95."


     
  4. W.P. Sullivan

    W.P. Sullivan Member

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    A Marine NCO's version of Genesis:

    In the goddam beginning was the Word, and the word was God, by God.

    In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the Heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

    And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called "sailors." And He dressed them accordingly. They had cute little trousers with buttons instead of zippers and bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime of chipping paint at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

    And the flaky creatures of the land, God called "soldiers." And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

    On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform for "flyboys." But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."

    And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

    But on the 8th day, at 0530, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called MARINE.

    And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the crap out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

    And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for Himself.

    He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that not everybody can be a Marine!


    "Carry on."
     
  5. W.P. Sullivan

    W.P. Sullivan Member

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    TO: all nostalgic former Sailors and Fleet Marines.

    SUBJ: Forty ways to recreate those fond memories of life aboard ship ...

    _____________________________________________________________

    1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.


    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month.

    4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's ouse. Ignore his complaints.

    7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

    8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

    10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

    12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry -- wrong ack."

    13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

    14. Have a neighbor come over each day at 0500 hours, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout Reveille! Reveille! All hands heave-out and trice up.

    15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 hrs while she reads it to you.

    16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500 hrs.

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, Now sweepers! Sweepers, man your brooms, a clean sweep down fore and aft! Empty all ****cans and butt kits over the fantail!

    18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

    19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one anyway.
    Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.

    20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack shouting, Now general quarters! General quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

    21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry, freezer or refrigerator.

    22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then, make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call them "mid-rats".)

    2 5. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, swing out of your bed and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

    26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard - port side!" Rate your family members on how efficiently they respond.

    27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

    28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200 hrs, saying, Now Taps! Taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship! (For the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors, immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house .)

    29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in Hangar Bay one!

    30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

    31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. (ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.)

    32. For former machinists and engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

    33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

    36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

    37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

    38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

    39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

    40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.

    Carry on.
     
  6. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Some Houston humor.
     
  7. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    :D
     
  8. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    This one saw Planet of the Apes!
     
  9. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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  10. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    I said Slow Down!
     
  11. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    [TABLE]
    [TR]
    [TD]
    The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    "May I help you sir?" she asked.

    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.

    He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

    After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

    After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again.

    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

    The man replied," New Brunswick ."

    "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."

    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your$15,000 inheritance."


    The moral of the story is that three(3) things in life are certain:

    1. Death2. Taxes3. Being screwed by a lawyer!


    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
  12. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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    When a Woman wears leather clothing;
    A man's heart beats faster,
    His throat gets drier,
    He goes weak in the knees
    and he thinks irrational thoughts. Ever wonder why?


    She smells like a New truck.
     
  13. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    This is joke is so old it's a bit stale, but still funny.

    Did you hear about the guy who was half black and half Japanese?

    Every December 7th, he'd attack Pearl Bailey...

    Rimshot: Bad-um chingggg!
     
  14. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Mine, ..Mine, ..Mine!
     
  15. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    So true!
     
  16. 36thID

    36thID Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  17. rprice

    rprice Member

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  18. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     

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  19. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Newspapers will live on forever. (Youtube Embed = test)


    http://youtube.com/watch?v=GAH0NhWR5g4
     
  20. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Chess nuts.

    [​IMG]
     

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