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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    I thought that you'd get a kick out of that one.
     
  2. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Got lost last week on a beach....dark as the preverbial black cat...tide coming in....but all was well..a yank tourist smiled...
     
  3. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    You're British, so you could have just taken off your shirt.
     
  4. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Ho...ho....Yanks with a sense of humour...That could be dangerous...
     
  5. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Picked up a Native American hitch hiker, quite the story. Quite the Hero, IMHO.
    He is a Disaster Restoration specialist.
    On his way to VOLUNTEER to repair the Medicine Hat Alberta Museum, damaged by recent floods.
    The basement is one of the best of the best Native Indian Museums.

    Wicked sense of humor. Examples:

    Why did the Cowboy stop in the middle of the desert?

    A = Injun failure.
    ______________

    Now, having warmed you up...

    What are 500 Indians doing running around in circles, bleeding like crazy due to ripped out nipples - ie: from the Native American O-Kee-Pa ceremony.

    The Indiannnippleless 500. [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    I Challenge you: Think of ONE good non-derogatory joke by a white man about another white man. Hard struggle eh?
     
  6. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    There was an Englishman...An Irishman...and A Scotsman....for more white on white....have a looksee at Dave Allan...don't think he ever did a joke that wasn't on a white man...then again...religion was his big thing...
     
  7. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Neg's Urban Sports: Urban Sprinting.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8CEzILvtg8
     
  8. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    A Hell of a Day

    I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker named Ruben steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.”

    I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
    When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance.
    I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
    I found my wife with another man...
    and then my dog bit me.
    So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

    "I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve ..............…
    and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
    But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?
     
  9. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Just Jumpy the dog

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahmyGi20q3k
     
  10. Cas

    Cas Member

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    What kind of cheese does a Canadian use to get a bear to come out of it's hole ?

    Cammenbert

    Come on bear........

    (it's translate out of Dutch, so could be it isn't that funny)...
     
  11. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    You're right, it's not that funny.
     
  12. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    Q: What do you call cheese that is sad? A: Blue cheese.
    Q: How do you get a mouse to smile? A: Say cheese!
    Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho Cheese!
    Q: Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? A: R'n'Brie
    Q: When should you go on a cheese diet? A: If you need to cheddar a few pounds
    Q: What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? A: Limburger
    Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
    Q: What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? A: "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
    Q: Which is the most religious cheese? A: Swiss, because it is holy.
    Q: Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? A: She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
    Q: Which search engine is popular amongst mice? A: Ask Cheese.
    Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: Quarter-pounder with cheese
    Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow? A: Blue cheese!
    Q: What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? A: Philadelphia.
    Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? A: Edam and Eve.
    Q: What hotel do mice stay in ? A: The Stilton
    Q: What dance do cheese makers do every halloween? A: The muenster mash!
    Q: What did the Cheese salesman say? A: That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
    Q: What group of cheese has been known to fly? A: Curds of prey!
    Q: What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? A: Curd-istan
    Q: What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? A: Go on a shopping brie.
    Q: What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? A: Moatzeralla
    Q: What cheese should you use to hide a horse? A: Mascarpone.
    Q: What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? A: Caerphilly
    Q: What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? A: Livarot
    Q: What is a lions favourite cheese? A: Roar-quefort
    Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? A: I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
    Q: Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? A: Because he couldn't get his stilton.
    Q: What cheese do beavers like? A: eDam
    Q: Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? A: Paris Stilton.
    Q: What do you call an oriental cheese? A: Parm-asian
    Q: What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? A: Curd Your Enthusiasm
    Q: Why does cheese look sane? A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
    Q: What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? A: I've felt grater.
    Q: What is a lions favourite cheese? A: Roar-quefort.
    Q: What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? A: Swish cheese!
    Q: Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? A: Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
    Q: What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? A: Too close for comfort food.
     
  13. rprice

    rprice Member

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    After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

    “What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

    “It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

    “A talking clock?"

    “Yup,” replied the Newfie.

    Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “How's it work?"

    “Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You f<#*ing a$$&^!e, It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
     
    Otto likes this.
  14. TD-Tommy776

    TD-Tommy776 Man of Constant Sorrow

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    Those are pretty cheesy jokes, KB. :p
     
  15. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    I was trying to support Cas. Cheese humor is a dying art form.
     
  16. Cas

    Cas Member

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    I could tell loads of funny dutch jokes, but I don't think you'd understand them.....

    Thanks for the support Kodiak Bear ! I appreciate it !

    A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


    A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
    "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
    "Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    What is the longest word in the English language?
    "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
    2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
    How do you count a herd of cattle?
    With a cowculator.

    Hope A-58 thinks these are funny....


     
  17. Poppy

    Poppy grasshopper

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    Was looking for the other comedian who played violin. But this is good: Jack Benny:

    10. A cannibal is a guy who goes in the restaurant and orders the waiter.

    9. I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. In fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

    8. I believe in being honest with myself. If there’s one thing I hate it’s when a comedian is great and won’t admit it. I’ve never met one like that, but if I did, I’d hate them.

    7. I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go, too.

    6. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

    5. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

    4. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and the fresh air.

    3. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

    2. I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

    1. I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
     
  18. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    I figure that it's either that Dutch doesn't translate into English very well or that you should be at least 3 sheet to the wind to get it.
     
  19. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    I think you're referring to Henny Youngman. Here's a sample.

    1. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
    2. "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
    3. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
    4. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
    5. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

    There's more here http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm
     
  20. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Credited to John Wayne, but who knows...

    Five Rules to Remember in Life

    1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

    3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
    _________________

    Suppose you were an idiot.
    And suppose you were a member of congress.
    But I repeat myself.
    - Mark Twain
     

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