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The Last Flight Of The Lorna Jane

Discussion in 'WWII Books & Publications' started by Oldecuriosity, Feb 15, 2015.

  1. Oldecuriosity

    Oldecuriosity New Member

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    I have written a short story about a B-17 in the Second World War, it was part of the requirements of an online writing course I was doing. It is only 1000 words so I am probably going to extend it into a decent story. The B-17 had a crew of 10 so it won't be easy developing all the characters but I will give it a go. You can find it here: http://oldecuriosity.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/ww2-last-flight-of-lorna-jane.html
     
  2. Skipper

    Skipper Kommodore

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    Sorry but your link seems to be dead
     
  3. Oldecuriosity

    Oldecuriosity New Member

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  4. Takao

    Takao Ace

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    First link worked fine for me, maybe it was problems serverside with the blog host site.

    The story is an OK start, considering the word limit imposed. Only a couple of nitpicks, can be forgiven because your British.

    A stone is a rock, not a measure of weight.

    Corkscrew was a mostly British defensive maneuver. The Americans would not usually use such a maneuver, because their defense was predicated on flying a tight bomber formation, so as to maintain the maximum amount of gun coverage of all the planes in the formation. If a B-17 would not intentionally leave the formation to "corkscrew" his way out of an attack. Because, first and foremost, the corkscrewing bomber would now be alone...and a lot more vulnerable. Second, he would leave his buddies in the formation more vulnerable, so he had better have a really good reason to do so, like engine damage, where he simply could not maintain his place in the bomber formation.

    That being said, I would have ditched the whole "romance" bit with the "broad" at the dance. IMHO, this breaks up the tension that you are trying to create. I would keep the focus just on the bomber crew and the damaged aircraft, that way you can ratchet up the tension level to the reader. To me, if the pilot is daydreaming about last night, the threat of the incoming FW-190s is minimal, and the plane will be fine...Completely destroying the tension that you have been struggling to build.

    Again, you have been given a word restriction, so you want to accomplish as much as possible with as little as possible, so maintain a focus, either the imperiled B-17, or the last night's fling by the pilot.

    Just my opinion.

    Good luck with your efforts.
     
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  5. Oldecuriosity

    Oldecuriosity New Member

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    Thanks for the criticism that's great. Sorry, I need to put more Americanisms in there, a stone is a measure of weight, 14lbs. I have also omitted to write that the Lorna Jane was the very last aircraft in the formation and has lost them, hence it is on it's own, hence the maneuvering. An aircraft couldn't fly straight and level when under attack as it would be suicide. Maybe the night out could be placed before the action scene, as you say it probably erodes the tension.
    Thanks again, can you recommend any books about USAF B-17's in the ETO?
     
  6. Skipper

    Skipper Kommodore

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    The link works now.

    Nice story indeed. I'd replace onE "okay" or two by a synonym "roger" "got that" etc...

    It's true that the USAAF lingo is quite puzzling.

    It used to piss off the Raf chaps when the Yanks talked about "Missions" when dealing with RAF "operations"
     
  7. Oldecuriosity

    Oldecuriosity New Member

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    Thanks Skipper. I could turn it into a comedy for Paul Whitehouse and Co if we used all British lingo eh?
     

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