A World War Two Joke

The Atlantic. An allied ship is on the way. Captain and boatswain are staying on the bridge. Suddenly the captain sees a torpedo trace approaching.

"Boatswain!" - cries he - "Quickly evacuate all our boys from lower decks to the upper one! Without panic!!!"

Boatswain, quickly coming downstairs: "Boys, everybody quickly come over here, or you'll miss an unbelievable thing! I'll break all our ship with my dick!"

A terrible blow follows and ship quickly sinks... Some hours later, captain and boatswain are swimming together and captain tells the boatswain:

"You are a damned fool!! And your jokes are also very very silly! The torpedo missed us!!!"

 

The bodies behind the Third Reich...

http://adolfbody.sytes.net/

 

BTW, anyone know the German propaganda pic of the slow Allied invasion of Italy with a snail in it showing that even the snail is faster. Anyone know the site for this poster? Thanx!

 

As the persecution of the Jews worsened, they relied upon humour: Levi and Hirsch meet in the African jungle, each with a rifle. “What are you doing here?” asks Hirsch. “I’ve got an ivory carving business in Alexandria and I shoot my own elephants,” says Levi. “And you?” “I manufacture crocodile leather goods in Port Said and shoot my own crocodiles — and what happened to our friend Simon?”
“He’s turned into a real adventurer. He stayed in Berlin.”

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“The new race will be slim like Göring, blond like Hitler and tall like Goebbels.”

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Woody Allen once said, “I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

 

The description of the Churchill-de Gaulle relationship is marvelous, the dialogue priceless. One small sample:

Churchill (furiously): "You claim you are France! You are not France! I do not recognize you as France! . . ."

De Gaulle: "I am acting in France's name. . . . I speak in the name of France and I am responsible to France. . . ."

Churchill: "You are so aggressive that not content with struggling against Germany, Italy and Japan, you want to take on Britain and America."

De Gaulle: "I take that as a joke, but it is not in the best taste. If there is any man the British have nothing to complain of, he is certainly myself."

Another sample:

De Gaulle: "The American policy towards us is atrocious."

Churchill: "With Roosevelt, never try to rush things. See how I give way and then rise up again."

De Gaulle: "Because you have a solid State behind you, a united nation, a great army. For my part, I am too poor to afford bending."

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HIS spontaneous words, spoken as he entered the Hotel de Ville in Paris on Aug. 24, 1944 -- the most famous words he ever uttered in a lifetime of making memorable phrases -- sum it up: "There are moments that go beyond each of our poor little lives. Paris! Paris outraged! Paris broken! Paris martyrized! But Paris liberated! Liberated by itself, liberated by its people with the help of the armies of France, with the support and the help of the whole of France, of France that is fighting, of France alone."

Not one word in the last sentence was true, but through these words de Gaulle gave back to France not only her honor but her soul.

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DE GAULLE The Rebel By STEPHEN E. AMBROSE

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpa...25752C1A966958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=print

 

Except that Ambrose does not speak French because de Gaulle NEVER said that sentence.
The real sentence is : OF FIGHTING FRANCE, OF THE ONLY FRANCE THAT SHOULD BE, OF REAL FRANCE , OF ETERNEL FRANCE (=De la France qui se bat, de la seule France, de la vraie France, de la France eternelle.)
Here is a link to hear the speach:
http://vdaucourt.free.fr/Gaulle2/Gaulle2.htm

 

Yes, not quite the same. In fact not even close

 

No offense, There are so many things about de Gaulle that are taken for granted that it's hard to realise what's right and wrong. This one could however be added to the bibiography :
It's about the famous June 18th 1940 speech which was broacasted to France by de Gaulle from the BBC. It was supposed to rise hope and resistance. In fact almost nobody listened to the speech because they did not even know the man and half of the country was on the roads because there was chaos everywhere. The speech was not recorded either and a copy had to be recorded later... It became a legend and after the war people would either say they heard it or their neigbour did etc...

 

Britain waiting for Seelöwe...

The story circulated of an elderly lady who said " Oh, well, if the Germans win, at any rate I have my pension, and they can´t touch that!"

 

2 Russian soldiers, Misha and Aloysha are standing guard it the crumbled remains of Stalingrad. As it is a cold nite, the 2 have been warming themselves with vodka. After quite a while of drinking, 1 looks at the other and says,
"Misha, my bladder is full and I must go take piss."
the other replies, " Is good idea Aloysha, I think I join you!"
So here they are, 2 frozen Reds, pissing to thier hearts content when the first looks to the other and says,
"Misha, why is it when I piss, it makes big noise. But when you piss, it makes no noise at all?
"Simple!" replies Misha. "When you piss, you are doing it on sacred soil of Mother Russia. She is protesting!. But I, I piss on your coat!!"

In a particularly crowded bus, a German officer steps on the foot of a Jew. Gripped by pain, the Jew hits the officer in the face. The rest of the passengers imediately jump on the German officer and beat him up. The police intervenes and disperses them. The police officer questions the Jew:
"How did you dare to hit a German officer!"
"Excuse me, Sir! but the pain was so great I couldn't restrain myself."
Turning towards the otehr passengers, he asks them:
"And you, why did you assault an officer of our glorious ally's army?"
Someone from the crowd replies:
"Sorry Sir! but when we saw a Jew slapping a German we tought the war was over!"

From the memoirs of Russian soldier.
1.5.43 I saw huge poster on the wall showing STALIN.
2.5.43 I listened to radio speech - given by STALIN.
3.5.43 I saw patriotic film - about STALIN.
4.5.43 I read an article in newspaper - about the STALIN
5.5.43 I received nice leaflet - with STALIN picture on its front page
6.5.43 Oh shit! I am afraid... I do not know what will happen if I open my can with food..

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to somvone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

Joseph "Joe" Kennedy was the American Ambassador to Britain in 1940, father to the future president and a self-made millionaire. Joe Kennedy was sure that Britain would lose.

Kennedy was at least consistent in his pessimism. Five days after the invasion of France Churchill sent a plea to Roosevelt for immediate military aid.Simultaneously, Kennedy´s advice to Secretary of State Cordell Hull was to send none.He was primarily a businessman and he thought it was only good business practice for Churchill to do a deal with Hitler. His policy was to avoid war at all costs.

A saying went around government circles in the summer of 1940 " I thought my daffodils were yellow until I met Joe Kennedy!"

 

AH and Mr Porsche not sure what is happening, I guess...

 

From Stepakov-Orehov " Parade march to Finland-Winter war by Red Army soldier´s eyes "

During Winter War Stalin created the Finnish national army which was supposed to be the Finnish Army once the country was conquered. However as not enough Finnish-speaking soldiers could be recruited also Red Army soldiers were taken into this unit ( they were told not to speak Russian at all..).

A joke was given birth:

When it was asked during the war if there were any mines on the road, the answer was:

" Nje znaju , est' li finskije mini, no minskije finni est' "

= " Don´t know about any Finnish mines but there are Finns from Minsk.."

 

Blivet- Eisenhower's fav word. -Means "a one-pound bag filled with two pounds of horse manure."

 

A young german officer went into a bar in paris to have a drink and get a bit of strange the place was full of drunken germans celebrating the fall of the city he got his drink and looked around the bar with that look that only german officers have his eyes stopped on this really good looking french bird, you know the type big red lips, long black hair, great boobs, a long split up one side of skirt and a beret that looked like a fryin pan.Thats her he thought, so into action he goes, he chats her up buys her and her ugly friend a drink and he;s set like a jelly, they leave ugly to find a blind punter, and go to her place, where he does the business, the next morning he's full of it,and tell's her, "Fraulein in nine months time you will have a beautiful blue eyed, blond haired boy, you may call him Adolf if you vish."To which she replied, "In two weeks time you will have a terrible rash you can call it measles if you vish."

 

On Luftwaffe Field divisions

The fact that the organization of the Luftwaffe units postponed the refitting of four or five panzer divisions with new vehicles also vexed Army leaders. Their frustration spread among the lower Army ranks, who labelled the air force units " Luftwaffen-Fehlkonstruktions-divisionen " - "mistakenly constructed air force divisions".

 

Well sort of:

Gas Warfare Verse

Just came across a small WWII-era soldier's pocket guide to gas warfare. Inside the front cover is a series of short memory-aide verses about the properties of various deadly gases.


Hang Fire Books: Gas Warfare Verse

 

The perfect nazi soldier...

YouTube - Mr. Bean as german soldier

 

HA HA HA! Rowen Atkinson is the Funniest Man in the world! I love Mr.Bean and Johnny English!!!
By the way, that is from Mr.Beans holiday when his free holiday to France goes drastically wrong. In the end his is almost arrested for kidnap and disguises himself as an old woman!