A World War Two Joke

Seems like the Japanese had something to laugh about....wonder what this was...

Saburo Kurusu (1886-1954) was a Japanese career diplomat. As "special envoy" to Washington from November 16, 1941, he and Admiral Kichisaburo Nomura were negotiating with United States Secretary of State Cordell Hull when Pearl Harbor was bombed on December 7, 1941.

KURUSU and NOMURA in Washington, December 1941.

 

Land of soap and water:
Hitler's having a bath;
Churchill's looking through the keyhole,
Having a jolly good laugh,
Be...e...cause ...

Hitler - has only got one ball.
Goering - has got no balls at all.
Goebbels - screws little gerbils
Because his peeny - is weeny - and small.

Hitler - has only got one ball.
Th' other - is in the Albert Hall,
Because his mother, the silly bugger,
Had it bronzed when - her baby - was small.

When he - gives us the other, we
Shall toss - them in the deep blue sea.
The fishes - will grab their dishes
And have scallops - and bollocks - for tea.

Hitler - will lose his one last ball,
Goering - will lack the where-with-all,
Himmler - will soon be sim'lar,
And then Goebbels - have noebbels - at all
(... all all all all).

Found in Wikipedia, copyright Denis Howarth

 

Golden oldie and a very catchy song....

Don´t think the Germans had anything like that about Churchill, did they?

 

that joke is nuts, hahaha!

 

I heard it in German once andit still sounded pretty good, cheers Za. I think most British school kids have sung that at some point or other (first 'dirty' song I ever learned, now rather put in the shade), it's amazing how it has become part of our cultural heritage :S

 

Great Jokes Lads! Keep them coming!

 

Since you insist...

Two SOE agents assasins set an ambush where Hitler passes at midday everyday. They have everything, guns, bombs, panzerfausts, the works.

It gets to 11.55 and 1 agent says to the other, get ready.

It gets to 12.00 and no sign of Hitler...

They mutter to themselves and by now its 12.10

Until finally it gets to 12.20 and one of the agents says to the other "He is late, hope nothing has happened to him".

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Two Russian soldiers, Misha and Aloysha are standing guard it the crumbled remains of Stalingrad. As it is a cold night, the 2 have been warming themselves with vodka. After quite a while of drinking, one looks at the other and says,
"Misha, my bladder is full and I must go take piss."

The other replies, " Is good idea Aloysha, I think I join you!"

So here they are, two frozen Reds, pissing to their hearts content when the first looks to the other and says,

"Misha, why is it when I piss, it makes big noise. But when you piss, it makes no noise at all?

"Simple!" replies Misha. "When you piss, you are doing it on sacred soil of Mother Russia. She is protesting! But I, I piss on your coat!!"

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Who said "We shall fight them on the beaches ..."? Winston Churchill


Who said "I shall return"? Douglas MacArthur


Who said "What the heck was that?"? The Mayor of Hiroshima

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Banned Cartoon Nazi Popeye (Spinach Fer Britain WW2) | Kids & Family | Funny Videos, Pictures and Jokes at JibJab
(Why banned?)

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When the Hindenburg blew up over New Jersey, the aide rushed into Hitler's office and said, "Mein Fuhrer, our biggest blimp has just exploded over New Jersey!"

To which Hitler said, "Can't be. I just saw Goering a minute ago."

---------

2 German spies are in the UK and go into a bar. They order a Martini.

The bartender asks "Dry?"

One of the spies says "Nein schweinhund, Zwei !"

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Churchill in 1941 when Rudolf Hess was in front of him :

- So... you are the Madman! - said Churchill.
- Oh no!... replied Hess- I´m his Secretary!

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In 1943 two former friends meets in Dachau.
- Hello Hans... What are you doing here?
- Well Fritz, in 1939 I said "Rudolf Hess is crazy"... And you?
- Well, in 1942 I said "Rudolf Hess is not crazy!"

 

Found something on the nazi side...

-------------

Who's Afraid Of the Big Bad Wolf

Listen to the BBC, BBC, BBC,
Listen to the BBC, tra-la-la-la,
Who's preaching world democracy, democracy, democracy?
Who wants to make free people free? tra-la-la-la
First they won the war in France,
Then they said they no chance,
Each time the Germans did advance,
How could they have a chance?

They told stories so divine,
Oft'n marched across the Rhine,
Germans eat only rats and mice,
But in England all was fine,
Bye-Bye Churchill, BBC, BBC, BBC
Your tricks won't work with Italy, tra-la-la-la,
Why not give us different news, different news, different news,
Skip those Soviets, skip those Jews, tra-la-la-la

You're Driving Me Crazy

Here is Winston Churchill's latest tearjerker:
Yes, the Germans are driving me crazy.
I thought I had brains, but they shattered my planes.
They've built up a front against me, it's quite amazing
Clouding the skies, with their planes.
The Jews are the friends who are near me to cheer me, believe me they do.
But Jews are the kind that will hurt me, desert me and laugh at me too.
Yes, the Germans are driving me crazy, my last chance I'll pray, to get in this muddle the U.S.A.
This new pact also is driving me crazy, Germany, Italy, Japan, it gives me a pain.
I'm losing my nerve, I'm getting lazy
A prisoner forced to remain in England to reign.
The Jews are the friends who are near me, that still cheer me, believe me they do.
But Jews are not the kind of heroes who would fight for me, now they're leaving me too.
Yes, the Germans are driving me crazy, by Jove, I pray, come in U.S.A.

Hitler's hit parade | MetaFilter

 

The skipper of a Polish submarine in WWII is asked: "you see in your periscope a German and a Soviet cruiser. Which one do you attack first?"

"Of course the German one", the Polish officer answers, "duty is always before pleasure".

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Old Finnish general P.M.Wetzer awarted medals in hospitals during ww2.He was very old and in many times was out of touch of his time.Once he went by mistake to venereal diseases sectiof hospital and gave every 10th patient a medal for "his duty to fatherland".

------------

A handbill the Marines distributed around Guam during that island's recapture...


TONIGHT

BANZAI CHARGE

Thrills Chills Suspense

See Saki Crazed Japs Charge at High Port
See Everybody Shoot Everybody
See the Cream of the Marine Corps Play
with Live Ammo

Sponsored by the Athletic and Morale
Office

Come Along and Bring a Friend

Don't Miss the Thrilling spectacle of the
Banzai Charge, Starting at 10 p.m. and
Lasting All Night

ADMISSION FREE

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WWII. Russian soldier phones the commander

"Comrade, I see the German tanks approaching"

"Wait."

"They are coming closer"

"Wait"

"They are almost there."

"On the shelves there is a grenade. Take them and razpizdi germanskije tanki"

Few moments

"Kammandir, I have razpizdil germanskije tanki. What now?"

"Put back grenade on the shelve".

( Sorry not all understood but the last sentence put a smile on my face...)

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Ever heard about the P-400?`
A P-40 with a Zero on its tail...

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This is a fragment of partisan diary written in 1944 in Poland.

18.03.1944 The struggle against Germans in forest began. We started to
attack their positions.

19.03.1944 The Germans responded and used the artillery to destroy our
positions. 4 partisans killed.

20.03.1944 We continued our attempts to kick Germans off out of the
woods. 6 German soldiers killed.

21.03.1944 Germans ceased the attacks as their sufferred heavy
casualties from our unexpected action at night.

22.03.1944. Fierce fightings. Infantry soldiers took over part of our
postions and bunkers.

24.03.1944 The German platoon ceased to exist as we attacked it with
mortars and granates. We captured 3 MGs and ammunition.

25.03.1944 German soldiers prepared an assault killing 14 our men.

26.03.1944 As an act of revenge we killed nearly 19 enemy soldiers. The
struggle is supposed to contiue in the forest.

27.03.1944 Forester got nervous and kick off (both Germans and
partisans) out of the forest and warned that we must not enter it
again.

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From the memoirs of Russian soldier.
1.5.43 I saw huge poster on the wall showing STALIN.
2.5.43 I listened to radio speech - given by STALIN.
3.5.43 I saw patriotic film - about STALIN.
4.5.43 I read an article in newspaper - about the STALIN
5.5.43 I received nice leaflet - with STALIN picture on its front page
6.5.43 Oh shit! I am afraid... I do not know what will happen if I open my can with food....

 

This caricature depicts Stalin and Churchill meeting for the first time in the Kremlin on August 12, 1942, an encounter that Clementine Churchill characterized as visiting "the Ogre in his Den." Stalin condemned the Anglo-American decision to abandon the Second Front in 1942. Churchill argued: "War was war but not folly, and it would be folly to invite a disaster which would help nobody." Stalin replied, "A man who was not prepared to take risks could not win a war."

The Sword for Freedom (Winston Churchill and the Great Republic, Library of Congress)

 

" For Christ´s sake go round the other way..."

One Blohm and Voss 138 was orbiting the ships of PQ17 until the frustrated gunners got dizzy, was eventually signalled pointedly by lamp this message.

From "Hurricats" by Ralph Barker

 

Cartoons of Nebelspalter 1932-1948: Hitler and Stalin seen from Switzerland.

Cartoons of Nebelspalter 1932-1948: Hitler and Stalin seen from Switzerland Part 1

 

This MUST be a joke and for cat lovers, do not read this....

The most creative way to use a cat as a weapon happened in World War II. The United States’ OSS (Office of Strategic Services, the precursor of the CIA) needed a way to guide bombs to sink German ships. Somebody hit upon the inspiration that since cats have such a strong disdain of getting wet and always land on their feet that if you attached a cat to a bomb and drop it in the vicinity of a ship, the cat’s instinct to avoid the water would force it to guide the bomb to the enemy’s deck. It is unclear how the cat was supposed to actually guide a bomb attached to it as it fell from the sky but the plan never got past the testing stages since the cats had a bad habit of becoming unconscious mid-drop.

Cynical-C Blog - » 7 Unusual Military Animals

 

Spinach fer Britain

Banned Cartoon Nazi Popeye (Spinach Fer Britain WW2) | Kids & Family | Funny Videos, Pictures and Jokes at JibJab

 

A sad story on using ETA ( estimated time of arrival ) for bombing really...

From Hastings´Bomber Command

Peter Donaldson, the navigator who had flown with Bill staton on the night of the Sylt raid, took off at 8.30 pm on the evening of 27 May ( 1941? ) to attack a German aerodrome in Holland. His pilot was a 10 squadron officer named Warren. They were on course, flying steadily across the North Sea, when they encountered a sudden magnetic storm.After a few minutes Warren asked Donaldson for a new course to escape the weather. The last light had gone now, and as their ETA at the Dutch coast came and went, they began to search the sea below for a pinpoint. At last, they saw the Rhine estuary below. Flak curled up towards them.Suddenly the second pilot called from the nose " This is it! I´ve got it!" The Whitley lift as the bombs fell away. " Give me a course for base," said Warren.

At first light as their ETA Dishforth approached , they dropped through the cloud. They saw below them a city, and the sea beyond. They were obviously on the west coast of England. Warren turned to the crew and said flatly: " According to my calculations , we can only have bombed something inside England. Christ, what are we going to do?"

They flew miserably home to Yorkshire.Their magnetic compass had been thrown hopelessly out of true by the storm. In fact they had dropped a stick of bombs with unusual precision across the runway of Fighter Command´s station at Bassingbourn in Cambridgeshire. Their Captain was demoted to second pilot, and known to the mess for ever after as Baron von Warren. After the incident two Spitfires flew over Dishforth and dropped Iron Crosses....

 

Reminds me of the story of a bomber crew who fell out with some fighter pilots early in the war, and they loaded up the bomber with propaganda leaflets bound for Germany, but dropped them on a fighter airfield instead. The Fighter pilots made the bomber cew come and pick up the thousands of leaflets all over the airfield!

 

When I was in Amsterdam this summer, I heard a good one from our tour guide: Here it goes

When the German army was occuping the country and obviously the city they had control of everything. The Canadians were on their way, and pissed about Juno Beach, and the Germans were plpanning to retreat. The Dutch Resistance blew open some dams and flooded the roads. Thus the German armor couldn't retreat and was abanonded. So the Germans took the bicycles from the citazens.

Now every year during the tour de france, the Dutch bystanders yell at the German cyclists, "Give us back our grandfather's bikes!!!"

 

Winston Churchill was once informed by his butler that French President Charles de Gaulle wanted to speak with him on the telephone. Churchill, in the middle of eating a bowl of soup, refused to take the call. DeGaulle persisted, however, and Churchill was eventually persuaded to abandon his meal. When he returned to the table, his soup was cold but Churchill himself was simmering with rage. "Bloody de Gaulle! He had the impertinence to tell me that the French regard him as the reincarnation of Joan of Arc," he cried. "I found it necessary to remind him that we had to burn the first one!"

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Stalin talking with Churchill by phone:
-No
-No
-No
-No
-Yes
-No
-No
Hanging on the phone.
-Comrade Stalin, in what did you agreed with Churchill?
-He asked if I'm hearing him well.

 

Found this in the net....

Rommel and the Rebel (Paperback)

by Lawrence Wells

Amazon.com: Rommel and the Rebel: Books: Lawrence Wells

A NAZI AT OLE MISS - New York Times