A World War Two Joke

LOL

 

Night fighter pilot humour

Flying independently and without radar guidance, these were the first Wilde Sau (wild boar) fighters. Herrmann's pilots took off without necessarily knowing where they were going, headed toward cities under attack, sought targets visually, and stayed in the air as long as possible to attack the bombers. If a fighter ran out of fuel or could not find an airfield for landing, the pilot was simply ordered to bale out—this under the expectation that trading a single-engine fighter for a four-engine bomber was an equation favoring the Luftwaffe. Crews of twin-engine fighters equipped with specialized radar and navigation aids for night fighting often joked that JG 300 pilots had more parachute jumps than air-to-air victories.

Second World War Books Review

 

Battle for the Twin Villages Rocherath/Krinkelt, Dec '44.

"Sir, we've got to have TDs [tank destroyers]. We're being overrun by Jerry tanks." Calmly, Boos asked, "How many tanks? And just how close are they to you?" Just then, one of the German tanks roared by outside Mildren's CP, shaking the house to its very foundation. The young officer then replied, "Well, Colonel, if I went up to the second floor, I could piss out the window and hit at least six."

And this one. Not funny but impressive.

At 0700, with thick fog and smoke obscuring the battlefield, the Germans sallied forth again, a heavy barrage of artillery and rockets preceding their advance. Near Lausdell, McKinley's men, fed and resupplied overnight, prepared to meet the challenge. They did not have to wait long--soon, hundreds of SS Panzergrenadiers supported by tanks loomed out of the fog. Letting the first wave of armor pass, the GIs rose from their foxholes and engaged the enemy infantry with any weapon at hand--guns, knives, even shovels. "One man tried to stop a tank by jamming his rifle between the cleats of its track," recalled an eyewitness. Bazooka teams crept up to the slow-moving armor and knocked out several, small-arms fire picking off any crewman who tried to escape. Excellent shooting by American artillery finally broke up the savage attack, but the determined Germans were not finished. At 0830, after regrouping in the woods, they came on again in even larger numbers. This time, even with the deadly artillery fire right on target, the GIs around Lausdell were unable to stem the German tide. Several tanks broke through followed closely by German infantry, both headed for the cauldron that was the Twin Villages.

 

A German one from 1945.

LSR (Luftschutsraum/airraidshelter) = Lernt Schnell Russisch (Learn Russian Quickly)

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A combined joke:

Russians in 1938 send to Czechoslovakia some planes as a help.
Rest of the help came to Czechoslovakia in 1968.

 

From "Spitfire offensive" by Wing Commander RWF Sampson:

Exeter wing p 68

The Wing leader, Camille Enright Malroy, "Cam" for short, could volley a tennis ball in the centre of his tennis racket, regardless how high or fast it had been struck, but he had great difficulty in seeing enemy fighters which were any distance away.

There was the famous occasion when the Wing had to rendezvous inland from Cherbourg to escort flying Fortresses coming back from a raid south of Paris. As we crossed into France, I spotted and reported 12 FW 190s to our right and approaching towards our rear. His response was " can´t see them, keep your eyes on them." Seconds later he called me, asking " Where are they now?" Before I could answer , the slow, bored voice from an obvious Australian pilot, was heard to say " You´ll f***ing soon find out, chum!"

Oops...

 

The scene from Memphis Bell where the Ball turrent gunner is telling ajoke

watch fomr 1:30mins through
YouTube - Funny Memphis Belle Clips

 

On Göring´s trophies etc.:

"The thing that sticks out most in my mind is not a Rubens or a Rembrandt or even a diamond-crusted cigaret box. It is a silver cup presented by Hermann Göring, Reich Master of the Hunt, to Hermann Göring, Reich Master of the Hunt. Yes, that is what it says. "

Goring's Beauties - TIME

 

I thought this was funny!

 

From the net:

Q: Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body?
A: 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters.

 

Just love the idea here...

 

Little Moustache

"During the war [World War II] my father was a meter reader," Eileen Atkins once recalled. "The odd thing about him was that he looked like Hitler - the same lock of hair, the same little moustache. When he was reading a meter one day the woman in the house pushed him in a cupboard and locked the door, then rang up the police and said she had captured Hitler."


Atkins, Eileen , British writer

 

" Please tell the Controller that there is a problem. The lift at the end of the runway which gets us airborne has broken down!"

A pilot joke to the WAAF officer from the Operations Room asking the state of Readiness

From " Spitfire Offensive " by Wing Commander RWF Sampson with Norman Franks

 

"The Battle of Britain was in full swing," James Lees-Milne recalled. "I was posted to Dover. Hitler's invasion was expected at any moment, and we lived on the alert. An officer was kept on duty day and night awaiting the code signal 'Cromwell.'

When this ominous name came down the telephone the officer knew that invasion was on the way. At 3 o'clock one morning it was my turn to be on duty. The telephone rang. I picked up the receiver. 'This is High Command QE2X,' came from a rather cissy voice a long way off. 'I say old boy, sorry to tell you - Oliver Cromwell.' 'What!?' I screamed, my heart in my boots. 'Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?' I had no reason for questioning the man's words, beyond the absolute horror of the announcement.

"'Well, I may have got it wrong,' the voice said affectedly. 'Then for dear Christ's sake,' I pleaded, 'do get it right.' There was a pause, during which I had my finger on the special telephone to the colonel's bedroom, as if it were on the pulse of England.

"'Sorry old chap,' the voice came back. 'It's only Wat Tyler. I get so confused with these historical blokes.'"

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These two are from Haaretz (the Israeli paper, 1935)

Hitler once went to a magician-fortune teller and asked her to tell him what would happen at the end of his life.
Fortune teller: Am I allowed to tell you everything?
Hitler: Yes, on the contrary, tell me everything without any fear.
Fortune teller: I see that you will die on the eve of big Jewish holiday.
Hitler: If so, I'll cancel all of the Jews' festivals and holidays.
Fortune teller: Even so, the day after your death will be a big Jewish holiday.

A soldier from the SA assaulted a passerby on a Berlin street and repeatedly struck him with deadly blows. The victim started shouting: "Murder! Beating! Help!" A guard approached him and said: "I ask you not to talk too loudly about politics!"




Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing. Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street. Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people." "I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

 

Those farting tank drivers

To be respected within the fraternity of the tank drivers, a man had to master, more or less, the tank driver´s fart. Whenever drivers get together in good times, they would sooner or later, stage a special kind of contest- a tank driver´s farting contest.

Preparation for a good Panzer driver´s fart required the kind of food and drink that were guaranteed to generate the required flatus. Well prepared nutritionally, each contestant would be seated on a chair-at the tank driving school he would sit on a standard four-legged stool- and extend his legs so that his heels rested, ahead of him, on the floor.

When his turn came, each man would, next, pretend to depress the clutch pedal with his left foot, and, letting a short fart, move hir right arm and hand in imitation of shifting from neutral into first gear, thereafter releasing the pressure on the clutch pedal. Without-and this was one of the strict rules, waiting, he would, after using his right foot press his imaginary gas pedal for the imaginary acceleration of his imaginary training Panzer Ia, repeat his declutch-fart-shift-clutch series in going from first gear to second gear, and so forth, his aim being to go into fifth gear without-another rule-missing a fart or a motion.

The traditional Panzer driver´s fart required the visualization of exactly six forward gears, as found in the transmission of the good, old Pz IV, which, incidentally, also had one reverse gear. The Pz V ( Panther ) had seven forward gears and one reverse gear. The Pz VI (Tiger) eight forward gears and four reverse gears. Connoisseurs awarded extra points to contestants whose hand movements reflected the panzer IV´s double-H shift pattern for forward gears.

Tank drivers able to fart their way into sixth gear demonstrated that their food was adequate-perhaps a bit better than that- and that they weren´t being taxed too much. The soldier´s saying " Whoever has nothing to bite also has nothing to shit" could, as far as the Panzer driver´s fart was concerned, have been rewritten to read " Whoever has much to bite also has much to shit."


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Oops! No fun being a Tiger tank driver there....

 

When a battered RAF Fighter Command returned from France in 1940, one of its pilots was asked, "What's next?" He replied: "We're in the finals now, but we have the Germans on our own home field!"

 

Sounds like when a civvy asked our Colonel how things were going in Iraq, he brushed it off with the phrase 'excellent, we are two nil up, minutes to play.'

 

One I heard from an old French 2eDB vet many years ago during a summer visit to France in 1988 -

At the invitation of General de Gaulle, FDR decides to go visit Paris soon after the city's liberation. General de Gaulle decides to give him a personal tour. As they apporach the Arc de Triomphe, FDR asks,
"What is that?" to which G. de Gaulle replies,
"That is the Arc of Triumph"
"How long did it take to build it?" asks FDR. Gen. de Gaulle replies, "Many years, Mr. President."
FDR shrugs his shoulders and says "Bah!! We could have built it in 3 years!".

A vexed de Gaulle frowns a bit but does not reply. They then drive past the huge cathedral of Notre Dame de Paris. Again, FDR asks,
"What is that?", to which Gen. de Gaulle replies,
"That, Mr. President, is the Notre Dame of Paris Cathedral"
"How long did it take to build?" asks FDR. As before, Gen. de Gaulle answers, "Many hundreds of years, Mr. President."
FDR shrugs his shoulders and says "BAH!! We could have built that in less than 7 years!!".

At this point, Gen. de Gaulle is becoming angry, and wondering if he should have ever invited FDR to Paris in the first place. He decides he will no longer put up with FDR's arrogant attitude. Then, their car approaches the most famous icon of Paris, and of France -The Eiffel Tower.
FDR looks up at the tall imposing structure and asks,
"What is THAT??" and again Gen. de Gaulle replies, "That, Monsieur le President, is the Eiffel Tower!"
As predicted, FDR demands to know, "How long did it take to build?" This time, it is General de Gaulle who shrug his shoulders and says,

"I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning."

 

Omar Bradley

Though legendary World War II general Omar Bradley, a 'common soldier's general,' enjoyed the company of regular GIs, his high-level relations were often strained. Bradley had animated disagreements with George S. Patton, Bernard Law Montgomery, and Douglas MacArthur (who he once bluntly accused of having "an obsession for self-glorification"). President Roosevelt also disliked him, albeit for a less substantial reason. Bradley, he once explained, refused to laugh at any of his jokes.

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