Humor, the Best Medicine

Hmmm.... :lol:

 

South Brooklyn Tony come home an shows his faher his report card. All passing grades, but in Math he got an "F"- The father is curious..
"What the !@#$% did you do to earn an F Tony?

Well, the teach asked me how much was 6 + 6 !"

And what did you say" "I told her it was 12!"

Then she said, very good, and how much is 9 plus 3?" the father remarlks
"And what $%^&^$#@@ does that make?" South Brooklyn Tony smiles, relieved " " Yeah Dad, that's exactly what l told her!"

 

Various games

http://www.learn4good.com/games/action/ ... _santa.htm

http://teamhouse.tni.net/humor/tshoot/turkey_shoot.htm

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

 

12 days of Christmas

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

14th December

Dearest Darling John,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the Lovely thought.

With deep affection,

You're ever loving Agnes.




15th December

My Dearest Darling John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Agnes




16th December

Dearest Darling John,

Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

You're loving Agnes



17th December

Dear John

What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes


18th December

My Dear John

What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.




19th December

Dear John

When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours,

Agnes



20th December

What is it with you and these f**king birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the f**king place! Is it some sort of god-damned joke? The house is full of bird shit, and the f**king noise !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f***king birds !!!

Agnes.



21st December

OK f**kface, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do With eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.

F*CK OFF

Agnes.


22nd December

Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they're chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f**king birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.



23rd December

You are a f**king c**t !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're f**king the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.

F*CK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!



24th December

Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes.



25th December

You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve f**king drummers, banging their f**king drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f**king pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you
Agnes.

 

Hm...

How is it that a thread on homour always gets more rude and more filthy as time goes by? :lol:

 

South Brooklyn Tony anxiously raises his hand in class:" Hey teach, canb l leave the room? l've got to take a piss!" The teacher replies :"Tony in this class we don't use such words, the proper word is urinate. Aply that to a sentence and l'll let you go.." Tony thinks for a while and then answers : " Teach, you're an eight and if your teats were bigger you'd be a 10,, Now can l go..?..."

 

Then excercise your prerogatives and erase the offending posts-..

P.S: a colleague with a rather sharp sense of humor sent this web-site to nother colleague she cannot stand-a woman's lib advocate, left over from the hippie generation that professes to hate men-yet is very agressive when one approaches-(delivery boys avoid her like the plague!!! . l don't know if the web-site is for real or whether it's just a spoof..look at these loosers! hahahaha!

P S. S: l strongly advised her not to send this to our mutual "friend" .....

http://mailorderhusbands.net/order/

 

A lesson or two in management

Subject: A Lesson or two in Management


LESSON NUMBER ONE

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON NUMBER TWO

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON NUMBER THREE

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

LESSON NUMBER FOUR
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!

Management Lessons:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

 

Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked him,

"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was
going to make Adam a companion and that is would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when
you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag
you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

 

Ahh women

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

 

Airline announcements

On a United flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Heard on a United Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

On landing, the United stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying United Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a United Airlines flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a United Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard United Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than United Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "United Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

Airline jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"
****************************************


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
********************************************************


A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
********************************************************


Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is.
****************************************


LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
********************************************************


Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
********************************************************


Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
********************************************************


Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !"
Pilot: "I'm not that stupid..."
********************************************************


Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
********************************************************

Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !"
********************************************************


Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
********************************************************


Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
********************************************************


Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
********************************************************


Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!
********************************************************


Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
********************************************************


Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?
********************************************************

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1.80 meters and I'm sitting.
********************************************************


On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify yourself"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"
********************************************************

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."
********************************************************


A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
********************************************************


Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
********************************************************


A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."
********************************************************


ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ...
ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.
********************************************************


ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
********************************************************

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
********************************************************


Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our Auxilliary Power Unit door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your Auxilliary Power Unit is leaking luggage..."
********************************************************


The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller, a female, screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"

Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
********************************************************


A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
********************************************************


It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...we've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
********************************************************


Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************



O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
********************************************************


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."
********************************************************


I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
********************************************************


More from our "Don't get wise with us" file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
********************************************************



A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"
********************************************************


A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot.

The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
****************************************


The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place.

After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend.

As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are.." "excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?" The steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it!
*****************************************


Once upon a time BA and Virgin decided to have a boat race on the Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as could be and Virgin won by a length. BA were discouraged and senior management set up a project to investigate the problem. Its conclusion was that the Virgin team had 8 people rowing and one person steering. The BA team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired consultants to study team performance. Millions of pounds were spent and several months later they concluded that there were too many people steering and not enough rowing. The following year the team structure was changed to 4 steering managers, 3 senior steering managers and one executive steering manager. A performance/appraisal system was set up to give the rower more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. They concluded he must be given empowerment and enrichment. The next year the big day arrived and Virgin duly won. BA laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the paddles, cancelled capital investment and halted development of the new boat. Then they gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved among senior management.
****************************************


Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"
****************************************


Hear the one about the new hostie who didn't socialize and failed to turn up for transport after her first night stop? The purser went to her room and found her in floods of tears. She explained that she had been trapped in her room all night. How come? Of the three doors in her room, one led to the bathroom, one led to the wardrobe and the third had a sign on the handle saying "Do not disturb"
****************************************



Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having an orgasm?
A. Press the F/A Call Button - She'll never come.
****************************************


A hosti was out golfing one day off when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The hosti freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your captain will get 10 times more or better!" The hosti said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful hosti in the world - beautiful enough to make people stop flying SQ.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your captain the most handsome pilot in the world, an Adonis, that other hosties will flock to."

The hosti replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful hosti and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful hosti in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest hosti in the world. The frog said, "That will make your captain the richest pilot in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The hosti said, "That will be okay because I'm such a devoted hosti that what is mine is my captain's and what is my captain's is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest hosti in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story : Hosties are clever bitches. Don't fuck with them
****************************************


So the BirdSeed 747 is inbound to LHR after a looooong all-nighter. The Flight Officer is rubbing his neck and looking miserable. The ever so senior Captain asks what the matter is. The FO reports that his neck is hurting after such a long time in the seat. The Captain obviously related to this, and said "Ah yes my boy - I often get the same trouble. I have my own way of dealing with it - works every time." FO- "Pray sire - tell me your cure" Captain - "Well lad, I get in the Beemer, and while I am driving home I call the old girl, tell her to get the hot-tub ready, and fix me a huge Bloody Mary, and to get in the best lingerie that I have bought her. Then I get home, wallow in the tub, have my drink, and then I get out and bonk her rotten, then sleeping with my head using her huge bosoms for a pillow. You should try that!" A couple of weeks later they are flying again, and the Captain remembers the conversation. "Well lad - did you try my cure for neck pain?" FO - "Yes sir!" Captain - "And what did you think?" FO - "Well sir, everything went just as you suggested. I have to say you have a lovely hot-tub!"
****************************************


One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures her. Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up . As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed. Driving home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife. "What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9 holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking. After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive me?" She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?"
****************************************


What does a BA Captains wife do to her arsehole before having sex? - Drop him off at the airport!
****************************************


Our heavy Commander on his last flight before retirement was not looking forward to hanging up his hat. Quite depressed upon arriving at the hotel one of the more lovely stews asks him if he would like to end his career with a bang, nudge, nudge. Our Commander wastes no time and joins the young lady in her room. After our intrepid Commander is done the young lady exclaims "Captain that was the best I've ever had, do you think you could manage to do that again?". "Certainly my dear, just hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min." was his reply. While thinking this is odd she does as requested and 15 min. later they're at it again. Once more our Hostie is amazed by her Captain's performance and asks if he could possibly manage one more go. "Certainly my dear, hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min.". Again thinking this odd she goes through the same routine. Now after a couple more romps she finally asks," Captain does my holding on to your wedding tackle somehow give you extra energy ?". " No", said the Captain ,"but the last hostie I shagged stole my wallet."
****************************************


Flight Attendant Humour

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it could affect the flight trim."
********************************************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
********************************************************
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
********************************************************

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
********************************************************
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"Last one off the plane must clean it.
********************************************************
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!
********************************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
********************************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
********************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
********************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."




Piloting Quotations
Taken from The Great Aviation Quote website by Dave English.

1. What is chiefly needed is skill rather than machinery. -- Wilbur Wright, 1902.

2. Anyone can do the job when things are going right. In this business we play for keeps. -- Ernest K. Gann

3. There are airmen and there are pilots: the first being part bird whose view from aloft is normal and comfortable, a creature whose brain and muscles frequently originate movements which suggest flight; and then there are pilots who regardless of their airborne time remain earth-loving bipeds forever. When these latter unfortunates, because of one urge or another, actually make an ascension, they neither anticipate nor relish the event and they drive their machines with the same graceless labor they inflict upon the family vehicle. -- Ernest K. Gann

4. Do not spin this aircraft. If the aircraft does enter a spin it will return to earth without further attention on the part of the aeronaut. -- first handbook issued with the Curtis-Wright flyer.

5. Rule books are paper - they will not cushion a sudden meeting of stone and metal. -- Ernest K. Gann, ‘Fate is the Hunter’



Maintenance Sqwauks

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews:

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "Identification Friend or Foe inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."




RULES OF THE AIR

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, air in the gas tanks, and a tenth of a second ago.





The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.



Classic Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"



Aviation Sayings

"I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers."

If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets.

"Gravity always wins!"

You know you’re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!

747 on final approach at 1000' off the deck. First Officer asks Captain "Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?" Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely.

Lost Cessna Pilot: "Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!"

A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

"I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep"




Cruel Pilot Jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot? Because he says: "That’s enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

What's the purpose of the propeller? - To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!



Aviations Misunderstood Alphabet

Tower - Do you have Charlie? - Negative, we left him back at the hanger!
Tower - Do you have Echo? - Negative, receiving you loud and clear!
Tower - Do you have Hotel? - Negative, We are staying with friends!
Tower - Do you have Juliet? - Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!
Tower - Do you have Kilo? - Negative, but there are a couple roaches in the ashtray!
Tower - Do you have Mike? - Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
Tower - Do you have Oscar? - Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!
Tower - Do you have Papa? - Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!
Tower - Do you have Romeo? - Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Tower - Do you have Uniform? - Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!
Tower - Do you have Victor? - Negative, Who is Victor?
Tower - Do you have X-ray? - Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!
Tower - Do you have Whiskey? - Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?



A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
_____
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
_____

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"




Military humor

Hot-shot fighter vs. bomber
A young guy in an F-16 fighter (single engine) was flying escort for a B-52 (eight engines) and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid."

The motoring speed trap
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.


Forced landing near airfield
The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.
The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."


Pilot humor
On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told that his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."



Deadheading crew
Have you ever been on a plane and seen some uniformed pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story...

While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane. As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know she even knew how to start the engines!" For a number of passengers it took quite some time before they realized they had been had by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their faces!


Building your own aircraft
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


Innovation!
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.


Nose gear retraction.
Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.
He lost the bet.


Good Luck Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

As i've matured

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

 

And that concludes the 'A's'

:smok:

 

Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up I the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought ‘How did I get home?’ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. The generates the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money’

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all U.D.I (unidentified drinking injuries).

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

 

Cashpoint

Please note that with the introduction of the new ‘Drive-thru’ cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember it for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt and stuff in pocket.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to
machine.
3. Re-start the stalled machine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and
locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook.
19. Re-check make up.
20. Drive forward two metres.
21. Reverse back to machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into the
slot provided.
24. Re-check make up.
25. Start stalled engine and pull off.
26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

 

Dogs vs Cats

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!








EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 -

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 -

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 -

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what
a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 -

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could
invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 -

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer".
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

DAY 774 -

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room his safety is assured.

 

Excerpts from the Queens Mum's book of rememberance

Excerpts from The Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance:


----------------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life. I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie, Hendon.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
J.Clement. Grantham.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was
visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the
cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis
and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who
refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it
was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvellous woman, and an absolutely wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, we could at least have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
----------------------------------------------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The
Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
----------------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
----------------------------------------------------------

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
---------------------------------------------------------
"This is an emergency. We must do all we can. Send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything, now. Show them we care. Help those brave souls queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
---------------------------------------------------------
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
---------------------------------------------------------
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell? I hope so".
R. Combes, Romford.
---------------------------------------------------------
"I feel very sorry for Prince Charles inheriting the Queen Mum's dogs. He
already has Camilla".
N. Venables, Dorchester
---------------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter what the situation, she always wore a
smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
----------------------------------------------------------
"I remember how she visited us in the East End. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true, you people don't smell of shit really'. She was wondrous".
E.Collier, London.
----------------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
----------------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us. By that, I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud, lied about expense claims or shagged around when she went away. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
----------------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
----------------------------------------------------------

I'll never forget how she lead the nation and London by example in the war. OK, so she had as much food, fresh too, and drink as she wanted, people to cook and serve it, no power cuts, constant hot water, was able to go away a couple of times, keep her kids with her and she had huge bunkers for safety and protection but that's a petty way to look at it.
H. Forse, Putney
----------------------------------------------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a
life of privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
---------------------------------------------------------
How right Gabrielle is when she sings, 'Dreams can come true'. I dreamt The Queen Mum died only a fortnight ago".
S. Robinson, West Bromwich
---------------------------------------------------------
"I pray for her soul on the great journey to heaven. I also pray Dodi and
Diana aren't driving around while she embarks on it".
B. Wilson, Bridgend
---------------------------------------------------------
"Best wishes to the Queen Mum's servants and housekeepers for their futues. Redundancy is always a bad thing but at least they won't have their boss around smugly saying how sorry they are like mine did to me".
J. Christer, Middlesborough
---------------------------------------------------------
"No sex for more than 50 years? What a tragic waste of a life.
T. Knave, Halstead
---------------------------------------------------------
"I offer my condolences to all of The Royal Family for this awful
bereavement. But, even at such a sorrowful time, they are an example to us all. Be grateful for making pictures, interviews and the funeral available
to the public rather than sign an exclusive deal with Hello or OK or
pay-per-veiw tv. Those greedy bastards have had it their own way for too
long, it's about time someone fought back for the ordinary people".
F. Harewood, Cardiff
---------------------------------------------------------
They say one man's loss is always another's gain so while I offer my
heartfelt sympathies to The Queen for double loss, congratulations to
Prince Phillip for no longer having a mother-in-law.
D. Wiltshire, Bournemouth
---------------------------------------------------------
"I've lost my job, home, car, wife and best friend in the last 12 months.
This terrible tragedy puts it all into perspective."
T. Dolman, Edgware
---------------------------------------------------------
"Margaret and Elizabeth both gone in no time at all. Must save us a
fortune. Do I get a tax rebate?
H. Matthews, Colwyn Bay
---------------------------------------------------------

 

Michael jackson went on holiday before his last court appearance. He told friends he was going to Tampa with the kids.

 

Foot in mouth

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed And didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 Inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables)

"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race, 1977)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)