Humor, the Best Medicine

Well, it's not as easy as that. You see it's one of those jokes or stories actually that has to be spoken (in a Scottish accent) & not written. It is also very long.
But, seeing as it's you, I'll have a stab at paraphrasing it.

Jasper is at an "Old Firm Derby". He is standing near the halfway line.
Half an hour into the game, it's nil;nil. He feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round & sees the biggest man he has ever seen in his life. He bellows at Jasper "Wot's a Teem?!!!". Jasper eyes him up for tell tale colurs before replying, but the man wears no scarf, rosette, shirt etc to reveal his alliance. All the while the man is getting more & more agitated & continually repeating his request.
Jasper decides that discression is the better part of valour, and declines to answer, but goes about watching the game again.
No sooner has he turned round, than he feels another , harder tap on the shoulder, & the request repeated, this time more aggressively than before.
Jasper moves to another part of the ground, bu thte guy keeps following him, getting more and more irate, each time he has to repaet himself.
Cut a long story short. He finally corners Jasper in a dead end alley about an hour after the game has finished. This time there is no escape. Jasper will have to answer him one way or another. For the last time the now furious Scott says "Wot's a Teem?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jasper is just about to risk his life with a 50/50 "Celtic"; when the Scott repeats his question for the umpteenth time, on this occasion however he also points at his left wrist, with his right index finger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now you see why it was an audio/visual gag and does not work well on paper.

Cheers Dave.

 

:lol:
My mither is Scots, so I can fill in the accent, ye ken!
:lol:

 

Will it work if you say it in a Groundskeeper Willy voice? :lol:

 

Aye

 

Guy goes into a bar, sits down, and starts drinking some beers. After a few, he notices a cute young thing sitting at the other end wink at him. He winks back. She gets up and sashays down and sits beside him. He orders a couple more cold ones. She slides in real, real close and, resting one hand in his lap and putting her other arm across his shoulder, whispers into his ear, "Hey there big boy - I'll do anything you want for two hundred dollars - anything." He gulps down some more brew and turns to look at her. She licks her lips, rubs his thigh, and says "Anything you want me to do to you - for two hundred." Finishing his beer, he says "Okay ... you can paint my house."

 

Hey, you guys gotta check out this little video. I'd still like to know if I know any of the guys in it. I just don't understand the hit and run at the end?


http://www.big-boys.com/articles/kosovo.html

BTW, if you use Firefox, it probably won't work, try a different browser.

 

another genie in the lamp story

these 3 guys are walking on a beach and find a lamp. all 3 are handling and rubbing it when the genie pops out.

" i usually give 3 wishes to whoever frees me from the lamp but since all 3 of you seem to have had a part in it i will grant 1 wish each. so i can better reward you tell me the reason you want your wish.'

so the first guy starts out " i'm from newfoundland and my fanily has been fishermen forever but the seas don't have the fish they used to so my wish is to have the fish restored." with a wave of his hand the genie makes the seas teem with fish.

the 2nd guy steps foward " i'm from quebec and the cursed english will never give us our freedom so today i'm going to take it. i want a high strong wall all around my country and then we shall be free." again a wave of the hand and the wall is in place.

the last guy looks at the genie " i'm from ontario. tell me, is that wall around quebec watertight?" when the genie assures him is is indeed watertight he makes his wish- FILL IT

 

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune........
"One US Marine is better than ten Iraqis"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then calls out........

"One US Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again............

"One US Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis"

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, & machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander.........

"Don't send any more men..... it's a trap.........there's two of them"

 

Q. How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?












A. Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

 

This was originally a Falkland Islands joke about the Argies.
It's still funny 20 years later.

 

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

 

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man ... and he replied, "What has religion got to do with it ? It's an inflatable doll for heavens sake !"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.











"Well", explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

Two Palestinians are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of
goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr".

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!"

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

I think it's funny!

Man goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
"Certainly Sir, male or female"?
"Female please"
"White or black"?
"White please"
"Christian or Moslem"?
" Look, what's religeon got to do with it, all I want is an inflatable doll"
"The Moslem ones blow themselves up"

 

SORRY< SORRY<SORRY>
DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT ALREADY>
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BACK TO THE OLD FOLKS HOME!!!!

 

Great joke PMN1! :lol:

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

It feels like commiting treason, but I always like this joke.

 

Only beat you by 39 minutes old man

 

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

14th December

Dearest Darling John,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the Lovely thought.

With deep affection,

You're ever loving Agnes.




15th December

My Dearest Darling John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Agnes




16th December

Dearest Darling John,

Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

You're loving Agnes



17th December

Dear John

What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes


18th December

My Dear John

What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.




19th December

Dear John

When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours,

Agnes



20th December

What is it with you and these f**king birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the f**king place! Is it some sort of god-damned joke? The house is full of bird shit, and the f**king noise !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f***king birds !!!

Agnes.



21st December

OK f**kface, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do With eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.

F*CK OFF

Agnes.


22nd December

Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they're chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f**king birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.



23rd December

You are a f**king c**t !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're f**king the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.

F*CK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!



24th December

Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes.



25th December

You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve f**king drummers, banging their f**king drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f**king pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you
Agnes.

 

Adam and Eve
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was
going to make Adam a companion and that is would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when
you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag
you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.

 

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."