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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if
    you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered 'Call for backup.':)
     
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  2. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    Today's Joke

    When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

    The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

    "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

    The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.;);)
     
  3. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    Plain Economics!!!!!

    A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

    His friend replies, "How's that?"

    "It's like this — my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
     
  4. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    Alzheimer's Advantages

    What are three good things about Alzheimer’s disease?

    You can hide your own Easter eggs.
    You make a new friend every day.
    You can hide your own Easter eggs.
     
  5. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    doctor's Orders

    A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

    At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"

    The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: ’Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’."

    The Doctor said, "I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
     
  6. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    Ray, I'm going to steal your thread for a minute. Here's one for the Sherlock Holmes lovers among us.

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What does it tell you?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
    "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
     
  7. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    As long as we are hijacking sniper's thread, I'll throw one in as well.

    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far, FAR away and couldn't possibly get home for the funeral called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

    Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

    "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
     
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  8. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    good steal lou,thats funny,ray..:):)
     
  9. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    I'm, gonna be redundant soon,good one clint..:):)
     
  10. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    early morning joke!!!

    Missing Hearing Aid

    Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

    Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear.

    She said, "Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?"

    "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

    Then she said: "Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. "Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.":):):)
     
  11. Tomcat

    Tomcat The One From Down Under

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    x2 joke of the day threads merged due to duplication of threads.
     
  12. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    school answering machine...

    This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

    This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

    The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

    To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

    To complain about what we do - Press 3

    To swear at staff members - Press 4

    To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

    If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

    If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

    To request another teacher for your child - Press 8

    To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

    To complain about school lunches - Press 0

    If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

    If you want this in Spanish, move to Mexico !!
     
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  13. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

    So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

    He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

    The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun
    and a mean old pit bull.

    "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the
    bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
    The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the >back of the van."
    He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

    "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
     
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  14. tfer13

    tfer13 Member

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    Ray
    that's the funniest yet
    Great way to start my Saturday
    Thanks
    Ted
     
  15. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    thanks ted,good to hear,ray..:D
     
  16. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    Good one, cover your bases!
     
  17. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    appreciated,thankyou clint...
     
  18. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    George and God:


    Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Doctor Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

    George replied, "God takes care of me. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I wet and then, poof, the light goes off when I'm done."

    "Wow," commented Doctor Smith, "that's incredible!"

    A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?'

    Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool. He's been wetting in the refrigerator again!"
     
  19. sniper1946

    sniper1946 Expert

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    WRONG BITCH...

    The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
    dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

    The war-weary Marine asked,
    "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
    "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
    You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
    And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
     
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  20. tfer13

    tfer13 Member

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    Keep em coming Ray

    These are getting spread throughout my email circle. It's nice to laugh a little given the times we are in.

    Ted
     

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