Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.
thanks ted,a pleasure to dish out the feel good factor,even if only a laugh,ray..
Fairy Tale, Military Type: Hood, Little Red Riding
Once upon a time, there lived a female personnel whose nomenclature was Hood, Red Riding, Little. She was a girl, little, happy. Her duty uniform consisted of the following named items:
a.) dress, red, cotton, shade 76, 1 each
b.) cape, red, w/ hood, 1 each.
Her MOS was food handler.
One day Hood, Red Riding, Little received a msg from her Mother, Grand, old, who lived off post in a cottage, brick, red, capehart type, w/ chimney, w/o TV, initial issue. The msg read as follows:
This is to advise that morning report should read: DY to SK, confined to qtrs as of 0100 10 JUN. Went to sick call, confined for indefinite period. However, feeling somewhat better.
Love, relative type.
Mother, Grand, your.
Hood took the msg to the message center with the following 1st endorsement: basic communication complied with. ETA your station apprx 1600 hrs this day.
Please bake cookies, ginger type, w/ nuts, w/o icing.
Hood then signed out in the TAD log and departed homepoint hand-carrying the following items:
Basket, picnic, wicker type, w/o top
Sandwich, salami, w/pickle and onion, w/o mustard and mayo.
While en route to TAD destination, pers concerned came to forest, thick, primeval. Suddenly out of the thicket, briar, emerged a Wolf, Bad, Big, Brown, 1 each, who said, "Halt, who goes there, and what are your last four?"
Hood answered; "4032, Hood, Red Riding, Little, I am en route to TAD point and am looking for the house of my Mother, Grand."
"It is just down the road, 800 meters, turn left at building 2355," instructed the Wolf.
"How do you know where she lives?" replied Hood.
"I've pulled MAA duty in these parts," says Wolf, who then catches a bus to Granny's. Upon arrival, Wolf, Bad, Big, swallows Granny in a single swallow. Wolf, Bad, Big then polices up the area, including butt cans, and jumps into the rack (initial issue type) and pulls on Granny's 146-92S.
(Hood enters.) "Hello, Mother, Grand".
"The fool, stupid, little, does not know that it is really me, the Wolf, Bad, Big," chuckles the Wolf.
"What big EENT you have," exclaims Hood, Red Riding, Little.
"All the better to maintain maximum efficiency at minimum cost with zero defects," replies the Wolf.
Then...enters the chopper, wood type, handsome, 1 each. Kills Wolf, Bad Big with one blow, performs necessary surgical procedures to remove Mother, Grand, from the stomach of the Wolf, Bad, Big.
With allowances for quarters and rations, they all live happily ever after.
Negative as per the Wolf.
A Cowboy, and Indian and a Muslim were at an airport talking together. The Indian, after looking around the place, said, "Wow, you used to see alot of my people everywhere, these days theres only a few here and there". He sat there silently as the Muslim said, "Well you used to never see my people anywhere very much, now you see them everywhere". He sat there happy as the cowboy leaned over and said!
"THATS CAUSE WE HAVEN"T PLAYED COWBOY AND MUSLIMS YET!"
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
Jesus is Watching!!!!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name
a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
Thanks again Ray
Check out this cruise opportunity
Somali Coast Cruise Package
that is just so funny,licensed to kill ted,comes with it's own pirates? it's gotta be a wind up?
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
stupid things said in court..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I've seen that last one, and a couple of the others. But some were completely new. Great stuff, I actually giggled out loud. Good thing I live alone huh?
good to hear clint,if life still offers a smile or laugh then enjoy,ray..
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, You're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, In case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until your father gets home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going To get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, Don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, You'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think You were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope They turn out just like you!!!
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumps in head first!
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible...... I had him chained to a transmission!"
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.' !
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'O K, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?
' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
Alright Ray. What's up? Here it is 6:31 in the morning and we don't have a joke yet! Are you slacking on us?
apologies ted,I've been a bit busy,here w2e go then..
Smartest Guy in the World?
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Importance of Walking
1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life... This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now he's 97 years old and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
3/ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound......apparently you have to actually go there.
7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise'
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years.......just getting over the hill was enough.
12/ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them eh!