joke of the day..

words of wisdome for the day-
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

"The man who smiles when things have gone wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."

 

I can vouch for this..lol


An old, blind Texas cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Cowboy, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

A Redhead, Brunette, and a Blonde were all sitting in class. which ones the oldest?

The blonde. Thats because shes 18.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?









A walk

 

Diner:WAITER! Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Quiet sir, or else everyone will want one!

 

A blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for her identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Oh, and heres a fun little game if your bored. try this: http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/dont-push-the-red-button/

 

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"
Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"
Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."

 

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new
college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who
thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the
professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing
there all by yourself."

 

A five year old boy rushes into his Grandpa's hospital room, pulls on Grandpa's foot and asks him to make a noise like a frog. The old guy looks perplexed and asks him why he would want to hear that?

The little guy replies (in all innocence), that he overheard his Mom and Aunt Betty talking the other day, and they said; "... as soon as Dad croaks we're all going to Disney World!"

 

lol, nice one Brndirt.

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines I'd never stand in another line!"

 

Revised Christmas days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there
was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.

Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You
need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and
scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey
up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the
opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up
the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch
hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over
a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for
picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo
immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway
with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I
thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're
going to Sea World!"

 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to
do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117
and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home
early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

Is windows a virus?


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.