joke of the day..

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

 

How are Pumpkin Pies Made?

 

A prisoner escaped from jail. He broke into a house around the corner on Elgin St and finds a young couple in bed.
He gets the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck , then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife; " Listen , this guy looks dangerous! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in a long time. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. If he gets angry , he may kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds" He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you TOO!
​

 

15 Worst Fortune Cookies​

15. What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?
14. Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.
13. Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.
12. It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.
11. This coupon good for a free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.
10. Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.
9. Spouse mad at you. No get special "wonton pork" tonight.
8. Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids.
7. A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.
6. An 87 year old hooker awaits you.
5. Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.
4. Hope you enjoyed your dinner, Mr. Bond.
3. Wipe that drool off your chin. That waitress you're ogling is Mr. Woo's number one son.
2. Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.
1. Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup​

 

Wow Ask and receive. Tex is getting into it too!

Thanks guys. Funny ones

 

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

 

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

morning ted,joke delivered on time,

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was

sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started

screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a

frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat

calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that

God ' s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ' Do you know who I am? '

The man replied, ' Yep, sure do. '

'Aren ' t you afraid of me? ' Satan asked.

' Nope, sure ain ' t. ' said the man.

Don ' t you realize I can kill you with one word? ' asked Satan.

'Don ' t doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all

eternity? ' persisted Satan.

'Yep, ' was the calm reply.

'And you ' re still not afraid? ' asked Satan.

'Nope, ' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren ' t you afraid of me? '

The man calmly replied, ' Been married to your sister for 48 years!! '

 

another one that rings true clint,he! he!,ray..

 

Hey Ray, that old fella sounds like Jeff Dunham's dummy character Walter, if you have never seen him do his act, Walter is a grumpy old fart who is always complaining about his wife and feels she is either Satan's spawn or sister depending on the timing.

I love Walter.

 

got him clint,yeh I could see what you mean,funny character,ray..
Whose A Dummy? Walter 4 President! - Video

 

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

 

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest drake in the flock and gave it both barrels. The drake fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"

"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."

"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"

"Okay, city feller; We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.

"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.

"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."

"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.

"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can with his steel toe brogans.

The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!

The farmer reply: "Nah, that's ok, I give up. Here's your duck."

 

A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down.They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem.
'Sister ,' said the priest, 'i dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. i'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,'
'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.
They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took took their agreed place . 10 minutes later the sister said , 'Father, i'm terribly cold,'
'Ok ,' said the priest, 'i'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,'
10 minutes later the nun said , 'Father i'm still terribly cold,'
'OK sister,' said the priest, ' i'll get up n get you another blanket,'
10 minutes later , the nun said ,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'
' You're probably right ,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket,'

 

A young mother was surprised to hear her 5 year old daughter begin to add "And All Women" at the end of her prayers, she asked what that was added for, and the little girl answered; " we already say All Men, I just add mine for the ladies".

 

amen to that clint.ray..

 

good one clint...

 

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
he said with a deep sigh...


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'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'