joke of the day..

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.' ​

 

Hahaha good one Ray! Hopefully i´ll remember that if i´ll find such an old lamp!

 

LOL! He gotta Ostrich ROFL!

 

Does anyone feel like me today?

 

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

 

...

View attachment 20361

 

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund
for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

A blond was on holiday and driving through Darwin in Australia.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.


After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank when he spots the same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 meter croc swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs.



The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.



The blond struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.



Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts
out........



" Crap, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"

 

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded handguns.

 

Nice answers!LOL I suppose that none of those mental giants didn´t get a drivers license.

 

Since it is in California, I bet at least one of them is now the head of road safety and another the head of the DMV.

 

Hahahha, Jaeger if that is their way to recruit their personal i don´t want to know how the Gouvernor made his way!

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit Texas. He was cruising along the countryside in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of a field.

He found a helpless PETA member wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a “Save the Pigs” t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the tusk of a 500lb hog.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of hunters in fatigues came running up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the hog's head. The two other men pulled the semiconscious PETA guy from the hogs grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three hunters finished off the hog. Two of the men dragged the dead hog onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured PETA guy in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between hunters and PETA activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one hunter asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the hunter said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about hog hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

Read more: FoxNews.com - No Oink About It, Feral Pig Problem Spreading
​

 

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have noticed.

(PS: Wow there are alot of threads I missed...)

 

These are great, everyone! Keep them coming...

 

[FONT=&quot]God Loves Drunk People Too[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a
loud pounding on the
door.

The man gets up and
goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.

"Not a chance," says the
husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams
the door and returns to bed.


"Who was
that?" asked his
wife..[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]"Just
some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
"Did
you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did
not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody
pouring rain out there!"


"Well,
you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped
us?


I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]"God
loves drunk people too you
know."


The man does as he is
told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.


He calls out
into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"


"Yes," comes back the
answer.


"Do you still need a
push?" calls out the husband.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
"Yes,
please!" comes the reply from the
dark.


"Where are you?" asks the
husband.[/FONT]






[FONT=&quot]

"Over
here on the swing," replied the
drunk..[/FONT]

 

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Works and Pensions stating that he was suspected of not paying his employees the statutory minimum wages and that an inspector would be sent to the farm.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. “Tell me about your staff,” he asked of Paddy.

“Well,” said Paddy, “there is the farmhand. I pay him 240 a week and he has use of a free cottage.”

“That’s good,” said the inspector.

“Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets 190 a week, along with free board and lodging.”

“That sounds fine,” said the inspector.

Paddy went on. “There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16-hour day, does 90 percent of the work, nets about 25 pounds a week when all is said and done, but takes down a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful, Paddy,” said the inspector. “I need to interview the half-wit.”

“Well,” said Paddy, “you’re looking at him.”

 

LOL