joke of the day..

Say "Kai.", that one sort of reminds me of the one I liked about the Montana farmer who won our local Power Ball lottery, and pocketed about 22 million dollars. After they interviewed him, one of the reporters asked him what he was going to do with all that "windfall money"?

He pondered for a moment, and then answered; "...guess I'll just keep farming till the money runs out."

 

Hooters already tried that-it didn't work. I did have one flight on Hooters Air that I will cherish.

 

strippers on a plane...THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Of course, it'll be hell for a guy travelling with his wife

 

Not the bagpipes! I love hearing them one or two times a year. In a parade or at a funeral. That isn't an instrument I would recommend. You know the difference between bagpipes and onions don't you? Nobody cries when you take a knife to a bagpipe. You know the definition of "perfect pitch" when dealing with the pipes, when your throw puts the instrument into the center of the pond.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat? He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!

Courtesy of The Humor Bin!

Goto:

http://www.humorbin.com/showitem.asp?item=104

 

Now for some music from Hawaii's favorite comedian: Frank Delima
YouTube - Frank Delima - I'm a Bla-bla-bla-blala

 

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

 

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

 

Medical humour:

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

---------------


AND THIS:

Q: How many historians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is a great deal of debate on this issue. Up until the mid-20th century, the accepted answer was one: and this Whiggish narrative underpinned a number of works that celebrated electrification and the march of progress in light-bulb changing. Beginning in the 1960s, however, social historians increasingly rejected the Great Man school and produced revisionist narratives that stressed the contributions of research assistants and custodial staff. This new consensus was challenged, in turn, by womens historians, who criticized the social interpretation for marginalizing women, and who argued that light bulbs are actually changed by department secretaries. Since the 1980s, however, postmodernist scholars have deconstructed what they characterize as a repressive hegemonic discourse of light-bulb changing, with its implicit binary opposition between light and darkness, and its phallogocentric privileging of the bulb over the socket, which they see as colonialist, sexist, and racist. Finally, a new generation of neo-conservative historians have concluded that the light never needed changing in the first place, and have praised political leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher for bringing back the old bulb. Clearly, much additional research remains to be done.


Ehhh....??

 

LOL

 

One for the football fans maybe...

Sir Alex Ferguson was so pleased with Man United winning this year's championship that he decided to give a few of his best players a special treat and booked them a day's Sky Diving.
He stood on the ground, watching them happily plummeting to earth, when he realised he'd lost sight of Rooney and started to get worried about where he could have gone, particularly as Rooney's not very bright.

Seconds later, Dimitar Berbatov smacks into the ground next to Ferguson, leaving a deep crater.

Then Rooney glides in and lands next to his manager.

Sir Alex looks at him, looks at Berbatov, not moving in the crater he's left on the landing field and says "Wayne, what the f*ck just happened?"

Rooney replies "Well things got a bit nasty up there. I had a big tear, couldn't think of anything else to do and so I did as we were told in the training."

"I threw my reserve"

 

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.
"Long day?" the bartender asks.
"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.




There was a man from Dundee.
who's limericks always ended on line three.
I don't know why.



Your mom is so fat that when she dives into a pool she displaces a proportionately larger volume of water than people with less body mass.



What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the doorstep?
Whatever his name happens to be.




What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?



Why did the chicken cross the road?
The farmer left the fence open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.



Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast and was late for her full-time job as a firefighter.



A Muslim walked into a bomb shop.
Turns out he was in the wrong store so he left and went on with his day.


What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car



What's blue and fluffy? Blue fluff.



Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.



"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"I don't know anyone by that name. Please go away."



What's big, wet and yellowish-green at midnight?
I don't know.
That's why I'm asking.


An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.




So, a man walks into a bar. Suddenly, the universe around him cracks, unable to sustain the weight of infinite potential punchlines. He tumbles through an empty void amongst shards of his broken reality.



Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were going for a walk. They spotted some tracks, and stopped to inspect them.
"Those are train tracks." The blonde noted.
They agreed, looked both ways, then crossed safely over it.


What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in your carmel apple, which costs about 35 cents more on average.


How did the pig solve the Arab-Israeli Conflict?
It didn't. It further exacerbated the problem. The Arab-Israeli Conflict is a multifaceted geopolitical quagmire based on long-simmering religious, ethnic and territorial tensions. A pig is too stupid to understand the root causes of the problem, let alone provide a viable solution. In retrospect, it seems ridiculous to have entrusted a pig with such an important diplomatic mission.



How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.



What do you do when you see your wife outside the kitchen?
Tell her to enjoy the rest of her day, and you look forward to spending time with her when you both get home from your jobs.



Two black guys and a Latino were walking down the street. One of the black guys says to the Latino, "You have some lint on your suit." The Latino brushes it off and says, "Thank you. I have an important meeting with the board of trustees this afternoon, and it would have been embarrassing if I had lint on my suit."



Whats big and white and will kill you if it falls from a tree?
A Fridge.



What's black and blue and red all over?
Due to the infinite nature of the universe many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.



Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says "It sure is hot in here!" The other one says "We're both going to die in here and nobody will hear us scream."


A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender explains to the duck that he does not sell grapes. Later that day, the bartender recounts the story to a friend; the friend advises the bartender to undergo psychological testing.


What happens when a Republican accidentally walks into a Gay/Straight Alliance meeting?
The man asks if he is in the right place. He apologizes and then leaves.


Why did the man fall off his bike?
I threw a fridge at him


I walked down a dark alley at night and ran into 2 black men.
They said hello and were on their way



Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.



When SCUBA diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat?
Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat.



Hey, the eighties called,
they were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.



Person 1: Did you hear the one about the guy who drank vinegar?
Person 2: No
Person 1: Oh, well I suppose that this joke is pointless then.


Theres 3 guys walking and the see a genie. He says hell grant 3 wishes. The first guy asked for sandals. The genie said"I can do that" and he got sandals. The second guy asked for rock hard abs.The genie said,"sure thing".When he looked down, he saw that he had rock hard abs. The third guy asked for a pair of pants."ok" Said the genie. And then he got a pair of pants.


What happened to the Atheist when he died?
No one knows because there's no proof God does or does not exist and the only way to find out is to die.



Why doesn't the mexican have a job?
Grad school is taking up too much of his time.


What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They were caucasian artists.



Why did the straight man turn gay?
He didn't. He was always gay but had to hide this from his family and friends because of an overwhelming sense of homophobia in his community.



You know what they say about guys with really big feet?
They own big shoes.



Three men are walking and one falls over, he then gets up and continues walking.



A man goes to a Korean-owned dry cleaner to pick up his suits.
They were impeccably cleaned at a reasonable rate.




Q: How many leprechauns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Leprechauns aren't real.


what did the asian father say to his son after seeing he got a B- in math?
"There's small room for improvement but overall you did a great job son."



The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll ya have, Pope?" But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.



-Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-The Pizza you ordered.
-Oh thank you very much.
-That'll be $10.
-Here you go.
-Thank you very much, sir. Enjoy your meal.



What's a skeleton's favorite type of music?
Nothing. Skeletons are just the decomposed remains of a being that was once living.



A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of celery.
The bartender stands speechless due to the ridiculousness of the given situation.



Why was a black man running in the street with my wallet in his hand?
Because he saw me dropping it and was trying to reach me to give it back.


Why didn't the Asian student ask for a calculator?
Because he was busy washing the dishes and thought a calculator would be completely inappropriate for the situation at hand.



Your friend is so gay that he came out of the closet and was accepted warmly by his friends and family for who he is a human being.



Two gay guys hosted a barbecue. The music and food was great. Everyone had a good time.



So a bear walks into a bar. Everyone in there goes hysterical with the fright. Two people are killed by it.



What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
I don't eat hot dogs. Thank you though.



A man walks into a bar and utters profanity because he's hit his head on a protruding metal object that cannot move out of the way and has therefore made him look stupid because he neglected to walk around it.


There once was a man from Nantucket. He still lives there.

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."


Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,
"Your brother won’t let me in without a tie."

 

LOL