joke of the day..

A man finds a lamp, rubs it and poof, out jumps the Genie....

The Genie exclaims, for freeing me I grant you 3 wishes. You must remember that your ex-wife will get double your wish....

He said give me a million bucks. The Genie granted his wish with the reminder that his ex-wife got 2 million.

The man wishes for a new Mercedes....BAM....A new Mercedes in his garage with the reminder that his ex got 2 new cars.

The Genie said You have one more wish my sir. What will it be ? After a long time of thinking he said.....

Here's a baseball bat.... Beat me half to death with it !!

 

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant"

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

Yeoman signaller HMS Gloucester 1991 gulf...First Iraq war...Signal from USN Missouri Sir...

Reads...What...is...it...like...being...one....of ...smallest....navies....in ...the...world...acknowledge....

Send back....Whats...It...Like...being...second...best....Navy...in ...the....world...

Just after Gloucester had shot down an Iraqi silkworm about to hit the Missouri.

 

Heh Gotta love inter-service rivalry! Even international!

 

Hmmm...

View attachment 15814

 

An Alaskan Fishing Sign

 

Sign seen on a business not too long after 9-11: "We'd rather serve 1000 Islamic terrorists than 1 American citizen."

The business? A mortuary. Gotta love em!

 

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."




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Henry’s wife, Marge, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Marge was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Henry got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Henry undid the toilet seat bolts. Marge wrapped a sheet around herself and Henry drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Marge tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed.

 

Irony:

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased that it is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

 

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

 

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

I actually ran across this one while re-reading Berlin Diary by Shirer, and it is a joke that was making the rounds among Germans while he was stationed in Berlin as a radio broadcaster. It was told by Germans to other Germans, but also to a select few non-Germans; he being one.

Here goes; "Hitler, Goering, Himmler and Goebbels are all killed in a plane crash, who survives? Answer, Germany." I know, they never all flew on the same plane for that very reason, Hitler almost always flew alone. Now, since Shirer left Berlin in Dec. of 1940, while things were going pretty decent for the German's war effort this had to be an opinion which reflected the civilians not the military.

 

I figured this was too good to not share.

 

LOL

 

Now this is an old one, but it came to mind when I read the article I will post the link to after I tell the joke.

A woman was going into labor as she got in the elevator at the hospital headed toward the delivery room, she didn't make it and gave birth in the elevator itself. An intern patted her hand and said; "Don't feel too bad about this, two years ago before I started here I was told we had a lady deliver in the lobby!"

She shook her head and said; "I know, it was me."

Now onto the article.

Goto:

Mom Gives Birth On Sidewalk Outside Hospital - Des Moines News Story - KCCI Des Moines

 

For our younger, and those not subjected to American TV in the sixties you guys and gals may not be aware of what was called "The Carol Burnette Show", there were two male comedians who really stole the show many times. My favorite is Tim Conway, I also think that Harvey Corman (Korman?) showed great fortitude while he tried to suppress his own laughter when Conway was working.

Here is a sketch called "elephant stories", starring Conway, and none of the other members can keep a straight face for very long and eventually they all collapse. Remember this was a live show, not taped for later broadcast, but aired as it was preformed.

Goto:

Carol Burnett Show Outtakes - Elephant Story from carolburnettfannd for another one called the "dentist trainee"!

Goto:

The Carol Burnett Show - Dentist Sketch from carolburnettfanhere are also great links to other Carol Burnett Show sketches on that page as well.

 

Attention please! Before going on with a joke I want to make sure that everyone knows this is going to be just a joke and nothing else but a joke. If you're unsure what is this, please send me a PM for the further explanation. If you are aware that I will be joking, i.e. that I will tell a joke, feel free to go on reading:

[JOKE MODE ON]

A drunk was walking down the sidewalk with a limp. A man coming in the opposite direction notice that he only had one shoe on. The man said to the drunk, "hey buddy, what's the matter, lose a shoe"? The drunk replied, "Nah, found one".​

[JOKE MODE OFF]

I hope you've enjoyed this and wish you all a pleasant weekend

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: ​

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."


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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ​

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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us ; we can handle your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Security Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck : ​

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"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"