Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.
Here is a good one from Daily Mail, this reminds me of an old joke about Bob, the local (any area) who always went out alone, and came back at the end of the day with his limit filled, and all of them grand fish. One day the Fish and Game officer from his district demanded that he go along and see how Bob was so successful. As they approached a remote part of the lake, Bob reached into his tackle box, pulled out and lit up a stick of dynamite and threw it in. After the "ker-whump" Bob paddled over to the area, scooped up the largest and proper species and deposited them in his catch bin. The rest of the fish eventually came to and swam away.
Well the Ranger was speechless for a couple of moments, and then he started in listing laws and rules that Bob was breaking by using dynamite to take his fish, Bob calmly reached into his tackle box, pulled out lit another stick and handed it to the Ranger, saying; "What ya gonna do, lecture me or fish?"
When grenade fishing goes terribly, terribly wrong | Mail Online
Here is a link to a cute Scottie puppy video, the puppy pinwheel
Scottie Puppy Pinwheel Exists, Is Wonderful (VIDEO)
Lady: “Do you drink?”
Lady: “How much a day?”
Man: “Three six packs.”
Lady: “How much per six pack?”
Man: “About $10.00.”
Lady: “And how long have you been drinking?”
Man: “15 years.”
Lady: “So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 - correct?”
Lady: “If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 - correct?”
Lady: “Do you know that if you hadn’t drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account. And, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?”
Man: “Do you drink?”
Man: “Where’s your Ferrari?”
SLEEPING IN THE BARN
A Congressman and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
LOL !! Instant: Rimshot
A blonde was short of cash so she decided go to the wealthy neighborhood across town and do odd jobs for money.
She walked up to a mansion, rang the doorbell, and asked the gentleman if she could work at his house for money. He said sure, paint my porch for $20 bucks, the paint is in the garage. She agreed. He shut the door and laughed at her taking on such a big job for $20 bucks.
An hour later she rang the doorbell and asked for her $20 bucks. He said are you done already ??!! She said, Yep and I even gave it 2 coats and by the way, that's not a porch it's a Ferrari !!
Here’s a real New England LOVE STORY!
George and Aggie lived on the cove just past Lewiston Tickle out on the peninsula. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. George asked Aggie if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab, old man Stacey won't mind."
So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home and gave George his smokes and his beer, she asked him, "George, you always tells me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
George replied, "Well, Aggie, girl, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet!"
Kind of brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?
[FONT="]I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]In case I need to fix it again.'[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]'No,' I replied.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]So I wrote down: ID10T [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]I used to like Eric, the little **** head. [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]If you're not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is. [/FONT]
HEh....I work in the IT field...you'd be surprised how often we actually use that as an explanation. That, and PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
A slightly better version I know of the joke posted today at our sister forum's parallel thread:
How can we not have a jokes thread? - World War 2 Talk
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I really miss Winnipeg "
So I poured crazy glue over the entire front window and left his window scraper stuck in it, broke the side window, poured
buckets of ice onto the driver's seat, broke the car heater, stole the car stereo, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps!"
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- 5 kgs of rock salt
- Torch or lantern with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon petrol can
- First aid kit
- Jump leads
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard
Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard from Marion Cotillard, William Fichtner, Jake Szymanski, Taraji P Henson, Lesley Ann Warren, Seth Morris, christiansprenger, Kat Bardot, and TLopezCepero
A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to
gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"
"1215," the guide answered.
The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an
I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal...
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about...
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, s***, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate...
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ..... BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me...
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
"IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Targets... I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Don't shoot the messenger, I don't think it's even that funny.
LOL No, its funny alright! Both of em are!
Continuing on in the subject of medical care/advice:
Kevin had shingles.Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his
name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height,
weight, a short summary of his medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a different nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse drew some blood for a blood test, gave him a blood pressure test, asked when he had last had an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
Pogo Moose Incident - Bracebridge , Ontario, Canada
'They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles.
The moose are rutting right now and very agitated.
He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables.
When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them.
They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem.
He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground.
He was a huge 60 inch rack bull and slightly peeved!'