joke of the day..

Science we can depend on Ray!

thanks for the good start to my day. Hope yours goes well

Ted

 

thankyou ted,merry xmas...,appreciate your kind thoughts, your's too,ray...

 

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

That one was the best so far, I actually blew coffee out my nose! Thank goodness I had rolled my keyboard back under the desk top. All I had to do was mop up the mess.

 

sorry clint,bad timing me thinks he! he!...good one,thanks ray..

 

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[FONT=&quot]Subject: The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][[/FONT]See attached photo]
[FONT=&quot]Make sure to read story[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Good news is I truly outdid myself this year with my "man hanging from the gutter" Christmas decorations. The bad news is I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Great stories, but two things made me take it down.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] First, the cops advised me it would cause traffic accidents because they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and did not realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My yard could not take it, either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove into my yard.[/FONT]

 

cool xmas decoration texson66.....

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

Tex

Hilarious.

Yours too Ray

 

thankyou ted,did you see todays post "cowboys headstone",ray..

 

I have now Ray. Mounting one, getting ridden by the other - what a life errr death

That's funny

 

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

 

Good one Ray, but out at Zoo Montana west of Billings we do serve beer to our bears. Both the black and grizzly bears love the stuff and get a "beer ration" on the week-ends. They love Saturday it appears, and have learned to count to seven at least. The three of them all line up on the perimiter on Saturday afternoon, when it turns "beer o'clock"! But we try to keep them away from barbitch's, for obvious reasons.

 

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: "Bob, whats wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked: "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God," the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was 'hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...'"

 

I like that clint,good golfing joke,more of the same...

 

Actual converstions between traffic control and airplanes;

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board............

 

One of WWII related favorites.....

The airliner made a successful approach to Munich airport and a smooth landing. It completed the roll-out, turned off the main runway, and halted as if uncertain as to which way to go next.

The controller called him up; "Are you lost? Haven't you been here before?"

"Oh, yes, I've been before," replied the pilot, "but in 1943 I wasn't stopping."