Some jokes and some funny pics...

:groan:

 

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"

 

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

 

Good one Za! I'm tellin' that one to my old Navy buudy!

Marital Counseling


A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

2 nuns driving in a car, all of a sudden a demon jumps on there bonnet (front of the car)

One of the nuns shouts "Quickly! show him your cross!"

The other nun proceeds and says "Get the **** off my car you son of a ****!"

 

Among President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's lesser-known orders was to have a new inscription added to presidential matchbooks. The inscription? "Stolen from the White House."

Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

 

That's hilarious!!
Thanks for the link Kai!!

 

Who you gonna vote for ?

 

I like this one:
Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

And this:
http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=4202

 

BBC NEWS | Europe | Dutch brewers launch dogs' beer

A small brewery in the Netherlands has launched a new beer designed to bring cool relief to thirsty dogs.
Kwispelbier, marketed as "a beer for your best friend", is made from a special brew of beef extract and malt.

The beer is non-alcoholic and fit for human consumption, but costs four times as much as a Heineken.

----------

I read somewhere that the sales have gone up pretty well, but it´s not the dogs who like it. It is mentioned to be a great remedy for hangover and also has some viagra-type of effect (??).

 

this is the "Man" at work,

 

Is that office oval?

 

SW, that pic is awesome!!


Two Guys at Lowes


Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.? I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.? What does
your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.

 

World`s Worst Boss?

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share..
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied: 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening, and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.






The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ..............


NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

TCS Daily - Moonstruck

Among other gems:

 

His Majesty's wartime ambassador to Moscow, Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr, in a letter to Lord Pembroke.