Some jokes and some funny pics...

Some quotes:

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

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"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money
I could have invaded some country."

Clint Eastwood.

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"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

- Paul Rodriguez

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First Rule of History:

History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

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The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century.

-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
of the Holocaust

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When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

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Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to theorize on what might
have happened if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead
of John F. Kennedy.

After a moments thought, he answered:
"I don't believe Mr. Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."

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"In Russia we only had two TV channels.
Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two
consisted of a KGB officer telling you:
Turn back at once to Channel One."

Yakov Smirnoff

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"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and
all the impersonators would be dead."

- Johnny Carson
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http://www.jokes2go.com/dbmenu.html

 

The Chou En-Lai was the best one !!

 

Here is a "Joke" that happened to me in germany in 1958.

I had two impacted wisdom teeth and they were bothering me to the point of needing relief right away. I wangled an appointment to see a dentist at the army clinic and the dentist turned out to be a German contract dentist.

He gave me the necessary pain killing injections and waited for them to take effect. He started the work on the impacted wisdom teeth. It was necessary to cut through the gum so that the teeth were visible. When he finally could see the problem and started to work on it I was already feeling pretty good from the pain medication.

He took a look at the work area and placed one knee on the dental chair so he could get up and work closer. He had a small chrome plated hammer and a chisel and proceded to cut the tooth in half since it was sideways. Since I was loopy on the pain meds I was laughing off and on and not feeling anything. (That would come later)

After a bit of hammering and chisling my tooth was in three pieces and ready for removal. But hen there was the other one that ws equally bad and needed the same treatment. When it was all done the dentist, who by now was getting tired of my laughing and joking around, was getting ready to suture the incisions where the two teeth had been under the gum line.

i saw the doc start to thread a curved needle and I laughed and said, "What are you going to do with that needle doc?" He looked at me very sternly and said with clinched teeth, "Vee are going to zo you mouth shut, zo yoo vill be qviet!" needless to say I shut up momentarily to ponder this alleged action and he commenced to sew up the incisions and gave me some pain pills for the next few days and the admonition not to eat anything too cold or too hot and dismissed me.

That evening at the dining hall I sat with two other guys that had similar problems and we all had either one or both jaws swollen. We were all eating soup and crackers. While at the dining hall we heard all the talk about the fact that Elvis Presley had come into our ordnance depot in a jeep that sfternoon.

The bottom line for that day was the most bizarre dental work I had experienced in my 19 and a half years. The doctor probably had a great story to tell his wife at home about the crazy GI that laughed and jabbered while he was working on my teeth.

 

A book was released in Finland on strange and interesting advices in books and on several machines.

This one was rather catchy and should be from the US Air force training book (?):

"It is not advised to use the ejector seat over an area you have bombed recently..."

 

That is just too classic! LMAO.

 

Along those lines;

It was a moo point. You know, it's like a cows opion. It's moo.

Joey charecter on television show Friends.

 

[ 01. September 2005, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: Col. Hessler ]

 

Gas prices got ya down?

http://toccionline.kizash.com/films/1001/178

 

Just read the town of F*cking in Austria is in trouble with people stealing their traffic signs...



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria

Other nice place names:

Arsoli ( Italy )

Petting ( Bavaria, Germany )

Pis Pis River ( Nicaragua )

Sexmoan ( Luzon Philippines )

I´m sure there´s more...

 

Hitler Rap

 

Hitler Rap LOL! If Mien Krampf didn't sweep him into obscurity that would.

 

Mother tells little Johnny,"you keep playing with 'it'...you'll go blind".

Johnny replies, "can I play with it til I need glasses?"

 

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.

 

"I believe the member has committed a terminological inexactitude. "

Speech in the House of Commons (22 February 1906); It is against House of Commons etiquette to call another Member a liar. With this phrase, Churchill is considered to be the only Member to manage to do so without censure from the Speaker of the House.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Winston_Churchill

 

Eeek!

Grave sight....

http://www.snopes.com/photos/grave.asp

 

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."

"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely--don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly--unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide--Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: "Write two letters

 

NAVAL PRESENCE OF MIND

A violent storm had thrown the ship against rocks and the ship started sinking. Panic arose among passengers. The captain shouted through the megaphone: "Gentlemen, keep calm. Don't make panic! There's no danger whatever. We are not sinking. I have ordered to sailors to take ladies and children in boats away from the ship because I'd like to tell you a very salty naval joke."

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MARS (Military Affiliated Radio System) has, as part of its job, to make "telephone patches' (contacts) via radio to enable overseas servicemen to talk with their families and friends at home.
One serviceman called a woman in the USA:
"Hello, this is the MARS radio station calling."
There was a moment of silence. Then the excited voice came back: "Hello, Mars. This is Earth."


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IRONS IN THE FIRE
An officer from a maintenance shop submitted a war adventure story to a military magazine. After some waiting he wired the editor, "Please report on my story immediately as I have other irons in the fire."

An answering wire read: "We see that keeping irons in the fire was your principal adventure in the war. We considered your story and advise you to put it with the other irons."

 

'Don't be scared, Sodom… I won't do anything that you don't want!'