Some jokes and some funny pics...

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

------------

I love this Doctor
He has the right slant on things...hehehhehehehh.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

The problem with Socialism is.............eventually you run out of other people's money.

I thought that was funny!

 

"Today I found a large green pipe, I jumped on top of it and knelt down. I did not go into an underground world."-MLIA

 

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You
religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should
jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

 

BBC NEWS | Europe | Putin 'turns into art instructor'

Russia's Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has been raising eyebrows by telling one of the country's most famous artists how to paint better.

Visiting 79-year-old artist Ilya Glazunov, Mr Putin stopped in front of a large painting of a medieval knight.

"The sword is too short," he is reputed to have said. "It's only good enough for cutting sausage."

Not wishing to displease his powerful guest, Mr Glazunov immediately agreed to correct his mistake.

 

Car parts on ebay.

Factory GM SBC Deep Groove Crank Pulley 3858533 BJ L-79:eBay Motors (item 260422939029 end time Jun-14-09 18:00:00 PDT)

See the buyer questions and read in full. I was unable to read them all, I was laughing so hard my belly was aching already! Literally!

Some of you won't have an ebay account to read this, so here goes. What the guy is talking about is this:

 

and another demotivational poster...

 

Now people can´t anymore say " he would not hurt even a fly!"

Obama and fly

YouTube - Obama Swats Fly during CNBC Interview

 

The Smart Car is growing in popularity. Here are a few new prototypes!!

The Smorvette!


The Smorsche!


The Smerrari!



The Smamborghini!


The Smaudi A3!

 

View attachment 5619

That cannot be comfortable..... and didn't she see the markers?? wrong turn is right!

 

Pictures you say?

 

haha!! The tastes like grandma one is horrible...... and pease?? seriously. People amaze me everyday. Thanks for the laugh Jon

Mark

 

Hehe

 

Combined fart and doctor joke....

 

Bill had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed... 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh..she got fired too.'

 

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

YouTube - Russian police officers dancing (very funny)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUYp9tt_8qs&feature=related

Oh god yes.