A joke without funny pictures.

Another blonde joke;
A blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff. Who hits the ground first?

A:The brunette. The Blonde has to ask for directions.

 

Who's Beckham?

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

another one.......

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

 

A plane crashes in a desert island. Only two male passengers and a stewardess survive.

After 3 months she kills herself ashamed of what she was doing.

After 3 months they bury her ashamed of what they were doing.

After 3 months they unbury her ashamed of what they were doing.

 

After 3 seconds the ground opens up its mouth and swallows those two worthless animals into the burning pit.

 

And then a bunch of hungry Coyote found the Mouth jump in after 5 hours of dire hunger, then find the two worthless animals And since 5/6 of the pack is dead, there are now 10 Coyote and then get so bloated that a mile wide mouth opens and eats the smaller mouth and eats the 60 Coyote that were there and is now bloated itself, so It pukes all the Coyote and regurgitated the men because It thought they were a bit tasty.

 

From: joke - Definitions from Dictionary.com

joke /dʒoʊk/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[johk] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, joked, jok·ing.
–noun

1.something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, as a witticism, a short and amusing anecdote, or a prankish act: He tells very funny jokes. She played a joke on him.

2.something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce: Their pretense of generosity is a joke. An officer with no ability to command is a joke.

3.a matter that need not be taken very seriously; trifling matter: The loss was no joke.

 

Doctor to patient:

-I have good and bad news.

-Tell me the good news first

-You have 24 hours to live

-well if that's the good news, I wonder what the bad news is?

-Well... I forgot to tell you yesterday!

 

Nice one Skipper.

There are three teenagers
One named: Shutup
one named: Manners
And one name: Brains



Manners, "I have to go to the bathroom!

Brains, "Ok. *Pulls up at a mall*."

Shut-up, "Brains go with Manners to make sure he doesn't fall in."

They laugh.

15 minutes later.

Cops pull up at the mall because there was a stick up.

Officer,"What's your name son?"

Shut-up,"Shut up."

Officer, "I asked, What's your name?"

Shut-up, "Shut up!"

Officer, "Where's your Manners!?"

Shut-up, "Taking a dump."

Officer, "You look like you've been doing drugs. Where are your brains my lad!?"

Shut-up,"Looking for Manners."

I got this one a few years ago. I thought It was quite funny.

 

Two Aussie's, Neil and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Neil stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Neil blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that XXXX!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately The sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Neil, whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Neil! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

 

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off !

 

haha love the aussie joke mate lol

but seriously, I mean no offence here but.

I don't hate blacks, every household should have one.

I'm not racist, I hate everybody equally.

A horse walks into the a bar (ouch)

I was sitting watching a couple of council men working one day, one was digging a hole and immediaitly after the second man was filling in the newly dug hole. I couldn't help but ask 'what are you doing filling in the hole after he digs it, it seems pointless' I said. The first council man replies 'Well I dig the hole James plants the tree and terry fills the hole'. 'Ok' I replied 'So were is james' the man replied 'Well its his day off'.

A cop pulls over 2 old ladies doing 20km\h in a 100km\h, Immediatley upon approaching the car he notices that the two old ladies appear to be in extreme shock, hands shaking and breathing heavily, he ignores that at first and says 'Why were you doing 20 in a 100 zone' the driver replies' Well the sign back there said highway 20 in big letters' 'Ok then', he goes to continue but gets sidetracked and says 'Are you alright', ' oh yes' she replied ' its just we are coming of Highway 343'

 

Kai posted on Totti (itallian Footballer) who made a book about jokes of himself. The money from the book was donated to a childrens hospital in Rome.

Totti is accused for beeing stupid, so in an effort to prove his critics wrong he complete a jigzaw puzzle. He goes to the media an proudly announce that he is a genious. I did the puzzzle in just 6 months when it says on the box 3 years.


I'll throw in an Essexs girl joke too.

An Essex girl is in a carcrash. When the paramedics come they find her blleding inside the carwreck.

Paramedic: Can you hear me?
Essex Girl: Yes.

Paramedic: Is this your car?
Essex Girl: Yes.

Paramedic: Where are you bleeding from?
Essex Girl: Rumford mate!

 

The question still stands ;-))

 

What are the differences between German Soldiers and Polish Soldiers?

The Polish Soldiers throw the Grenades and the German Soldiers pull the pins and throw them back.

 

Haven't you ever heard of the Power of Google, Carl?

The Official David Beckham Website

 

Times are changing.

I was feeling depressed the other day, during the afternoon it got so bad that I was thinking of ending it all. However before doing that I thought I'd phone one of those crisis management hotlines. This service like most others have been shifted abroad, so within a few minutes of static and crackling on the line I was directed to a young gentleman in Afganistan. I told him that quite frankly my world was beeing undone, and that I felt a bit suicidal. The chap was quick to ask me if I had a trucking licence or knew how to fly. Man times are changing

 

Homesick Canadian Snowbird:

I was in Clearwater, Florida the other day when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I Miss Detroit."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read: "I hope this helps."

 

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.... It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are over 65 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
___________________

Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert.