joke of the day..

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and
it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

​

 

HEIL DER MILK!!

 

I don't know where this came from originally but it offers some good
spelling reform.

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and
it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German like zey vunted in ze forst plas

 

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

• Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns.
• Bring all of your friends who have guns.
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.
• Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
• Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
• If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)
• If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
  They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communic- ating, reloading, and running.
• Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
• Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
• Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
• Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
• Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
• Don't drop your guard.
• Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
• Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
• Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
• The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
• Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

• Go to Sea
• Send the Marines
• Drink Coffee

 

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

 

Pres. John F. Kennedy's answer to the chicken joke:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A:Whyyy...did the chicken, cross the road?
*thumps podium*
He crossed the road... to give his life.
He did it,... not for himself,.......... but he did it... for his fellow chickens.
As a warning,...
And a brave and noble thing it was... that he did.

 

LOL!! the Mythbuster's answer to the chicken joke:

A: If you fire a frozen chicken out of a cannon; not only will it cross a road, it could be a lethal projectile.

I can easily vision Jamie saying that.

 

Colonol Sander's answer to the chicken joke;

Q: why did the chicken cross the road?

A: I missed one???

 

A friend of mine from work who is known for telling "bad" jokes told me this one.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender suggests that if the man orders three beers, he should order them one at a time so they would be ice cold and fresh.

"No, you don't understand. I have two brothers, and we are all very close. However, we live in different parts of the world. We made a pact that everytime we drink, we have three beers at once, as though we were drinking together."

The bartender says he thinks that is a great gesture, and gives the man his three beers. The man drinks them up and goes on his way. The man frequents the bar for the next couple of years, each time ordering three beers.

One day, however, the man only orders two beers. The bartender offers the man his condolences.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

The bartender explains that he was sorry that the man had lost a brother, since he only ordered two beers.

The man laughs. "No, none of my brothers died. What happened is that I've become active in my church, and I was told that I have a drinking problem, and I told them that I would quit. But they didn't say anything about my brothers!"

 

An American, a Brit and an Irishman walk into a bar.
They each order a pint.
When the barman brings over their pints, three flies come over and each land on the head of the ale.
The American pushes his away in disgust.
The Brit asks for another.
The Irishman picks up the fly by the wing and brings it up to his eye and yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!!!"

 

Tigger and Eeyore are at the bar when Tigger says he's going to the bathroom. Eeyore sits waiting for Tigger for a half hour then decides to get up. When he gets to the bathroom he sees Tigger with his face in the toilet and asks him, "What the hell are you doing?" Tigger replies, "Looking for Pooh"...