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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

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  1. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Ace

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    LOL
     
    RabidAlien, May 8, 2012
    #741
  2. Biak

    Biak Boy from Illinois Staff Member

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    :headbash: :headbash: :headbash: :headbash:

    [​IMG]
     

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    Biak, May 8, 2012
    #742
  3. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.
    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

    The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
    Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
    I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
    I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
    They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    I Love you, Vinnie
     
    Fred Wilson, May 9, 2012
    #743
  4. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Truth in Pictures:

    [​IMG]
     
    Fred Wilson, May 9, 2012
    #744
  5. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    One can only hope that this is a "father daughter" photo, either way the female doesn't look too pleased to be in the shot. On second thought a father wouldn't have his hand in "quite that spot" on a daughter's anatomy. Well then again, some would....
     
    brndirt1, May 9, 2012
    #745
  6. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
    Fred Wilson, May 16, 2012
    #746
  7. Biak

    Biak Boy from Illinois Staff Member

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    So, I can't have a Flagpole in my yard? But I can paint my house in any color right?

    Okay.









    [​IMG]
     
    Biak, May 22, 2012
    #747
  8. Biak

    Biak Boy from Illinois Staff Member

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    new email:


    A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

    Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

    While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"

    He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun. "Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

    I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

    "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

    By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

    After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

    What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat...
     
    Biak, May 31, 2012
    #748
  9. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Ace

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    RabidAlien, Jun 1, 2012
    #749
  10. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    Perspective explained.

    [​IMG]
     
    brndirt1, Jun 4, 2012
    #750
  11. Carronade

    Carronade Ace

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    From the old Benny Hill show:

    Benny pats the little bald guy on the top of his head and says "That feels like my wife's bottom!"

    Bald guy pats his own head and says "You're right, it does!"
     
    Carronade, Jun 6, 2012
    #751
  12. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Ace

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    :D
     
    RabidAlien, Jun 6, 2012
    #752
  13. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

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    Kai-Petri, Jul 6, 2012
    #753
  14. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    [​IMG]
     
    brndirt1, Jul 9, 2012
    #754
  15. texson66

    texson66 Ace

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    [FONT=&quot]A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
    ... "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
    "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."[/FONT]
     
    texson66, Jul 9, 2012
    #755
  16. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn, sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
    He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
    “My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”
    “Yes” she replied, ” I am old enough that I don't need a license.”
    “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driving license.” I told him "yes" and handed it to him.
    He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.” “You won’t be needing this anymore", he said.
    So I thanked him and left.
     
    brndirt1, Jul 9, 2012
    #756
  17. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    Just how much "stuff" does your smart phone share with others?

    [​IMG]
     
    brndirt1, Jul 11, 2012
    #757
  18. texson66

    texson66 Ace

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    [FONT=&amp]I think I went to High School with these two guys..........


    While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.    [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]
    The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.    [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti”![/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    “Not so good," replied Bubba, "I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper”.    [/FONT]
     
    texson66, Jul 23, 2012
    #758
  19. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Ace

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    LOL
     
    RabidAlien, Jul 24, 2012
    #759
  20. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Bug Assault Gun

    You will enjoy this. I expect he will get lots of sales off this forum! :D

    [video=youtube;-oYl-Lm9a6U]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oYl-Lm9a6U&feature=player_embedded#![/video]
     
    Fred Wilson, Jul 25, 2012
    #760
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