Humor, the Best Medicine

Stolen mercilessly from another forum...

 

so, after the manufacturing of all the components you put it together and it hence a bola

for the not understandes, according to wikipedia
Bolas, a hunting weapon. It is mostly used in South America and consists of two or three heavy balls or stones tied to the ends of one or more lengths of cord or string you then trow the bola as a lasso and it sligs itself around the target.

 

When Jezus died, it took him 3 days to respawn...
NOW THATS WHAT I CALL LAG!!!

 

"Will I go to Hell, Jesus?"
"Yes lol"
"wtf why"
"becuz you suck lol"
"t.t"

 

talking about jesus, he must have a troubled life if he had lived in our time.
1. he would be an alcoholic, since he could change water into wine (unless he only drinks cola but that would make him fat)
2. he could never play water polo or even swim, since he can only walk on the water
3. at any time some president of a nation that is starving of hunger would keep asking him to feed them
4. Every Eastern he would see how children remember his death by looking for choclate eggs and other candy (not to mention of how they adore that eastern bunny instead of him)
5. instead of crussify him they would electrocute him (no more choclate eggs, time for steaks and hot dogs )

and if i knew the bible better then this list would be bigger. feel free to jump in.

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940,when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

In addition, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

Humour

Did you know that one in three Americans weigh as much as the other two?

 

Monastery Life


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

 

Here's a joke:
An englishman, a frenchman, an American and an Iraqi were all flying in the same airplane. Suddenly one of the engines jammed and the plane began to fall. The pilot told them that a few of them had to jump out to save the others.
The englishman was very brave, so he jumped out saying "God save the queen!"
The plane kept falling.
The frenchman was impressed by the englishman's bravery, so he jumped out too saying "Vive la France!"
The plane started to regain altitude, but was not completly safe yet.
The American was impressed by the Europeans' bravery, so he said "Remember September 11th!" and chucks the Iraqi out.

 

humour

New Guidelines for Airline Boarding Rules.

 

(i didn't find this posted before so i go on)
Jesus and Satan are participating in a contest to find out who can write 5000 pages in less time using a PC. After 2 hours Jesus is on the page 10 and Satan on page 500. The hours pass and Jesus is on page 500 while Satan on 2000. Suddenly a blackout shuts down everything. Sometimes later the lights turn on again.They open their PCs.Satan has 0 pages and Jesus 500.What's the moral meaning of the story? Jesus saves!

 

Well you could do this as a joke. Take a 20 dollar bill, dip it in water than in alcohol, and light it on fire. You should be using something long and metal to hold the 20 dollars. The alcohol should burn off and the bill kept safe but wet by the water.

 

The father in a jewish family is nearly dead and makes the following conversation;

Father;Shara, my daughter, are you here?
Daughter; Yes father.
F; My wife, Rachel, are you here?
Wife; Yes, Jacob.
F; Josef,my son are you here?
Son; Yes father.
F; AND WHO RUNS THE SHOP DAMMIT????

 

I just remembered another joke:
Just before a war, a recruit told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. The sergeant handed him a broomstick and said "Here. Just take this and go bangity-bang-bang".
The young (and gullable) recruit asked "But what about a bayonet?".
The sergeant took one of the broom stalks and seperated it from the other stalks. He said "Here. Just take this and go stabity-stab-stab".
The war begins and the recruit finds himself alone on the battlefield. A German comes at him and he goes "Bangity-bang-bang!."
The German falls dead.
Another one charges at him He goes "Stabity-stab-stab!" and the German falls dead too. He mows down the enemy by the thousands until there was only one German left. The recruit says "Bangity-bang-bang!."
The German keeps coming.
The recruit says the same thing again and it doesn't work.
The recruit was getting desperate. Frantically he yells "Bangity-bang-bang! Stabity-stab-stab!."
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground and says "Tankety-tank-tank."

 

I heard the exact same joke except it was a Stalingrad joke.
Comrades we do not have enought guns for everyone so if you see the enemy go like this (makes a gun with his hand) and say bang.
So the Russian goes out into the battlefield. He sees a German "what the hell its worth a try" so he does it bang he falls down. He sees another German and does the same thing "bang" he is down. He sees a third German he does it again, it does not work. The German knocks him over and goes over him and he hear the German saying "tank tank".

Of coarse I provably left out a few lines as I last heard the joke almost a year ago.

 

humour

How can Terrorists stoop so low?

 

LMAO a mouse trap. If you ask me thats pretty oeriginal and funny.

 

post subject

German Street Sign, German Humour?
B.B.B.

 

Wow Talk about communcating a message... I though public display of the swastika was banned in Germany (as was putting the words 'shit' and 'asshole' on a public poster)

 

humour

Smeg. I note your comments, I do not know for how long the poster was on display.In any case it was in Finland so the Fins have humour too?They also had a blue swastika too if I remember correctly.Is not that so Notmi?
B.B.B.