joke of the day..

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

 

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

 

A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a young woman."

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

"No, father, it's not for me to say," the man replies.

"Was it Rita Sanchez?" asked the priest.

"No, father, I can't tell you."

"Linda Torelli?" asked the priest.

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names."

With this, the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him penance.

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who asks him what happened. The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and three new leads."

 

1990: 'May the Force be with you...'

2010: 'May teh 4se b wit u'

 

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.
Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"
The Marine said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about twenty years from now..." ​

 

There was a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world, Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser ordered a Bud, the president of Miller ordered a Miller Lite, Peter Coors ordered a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asked Arthur Guinness what he wanted to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness ordered a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues asked.
Guinness replied, "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I." ​

 

Three guys are sitting around the campfire talking about what the worst pain they had ever experienced in their lives was.

The first guy told about how he was working construction and had cut off both his pinky and index finger while working the power saw, and how he had to stitch it up himself. The other two guys shake their heads and agree that it was pretty bad."

The second guy said, "That's bad, but I have something worse. I was out with my buddies jumping off rocks into the creek. I didn't see one rock, and I smashed my tailbone right on the corner. I am still recovering from it."

The third guy said, "Man, those are both bad, but I think I can beat both of you. One day I was out doing lumberjack work and I had to take a crap. I ran over to the bushes and sat right on a bear trap. Man that thing clamped onto my privates and would not let go."

Both of the other guys grimace, "Ooouch. That has got to be the worst pain!" they agreed.

The third guy said, "No. The worst pain in the world is when I hit the end of the chain!"

 

A French woman is touring the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the guy at the pharmacy counter, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush."

The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products. In a week, she was back in the pharmacy. The pharmacist asked her if her condition was cleared up. "Why yes, eet is," she replied. "In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Mon Pierre's moustache ... eet's gone too!"

 

A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," explains the blonde. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde. ​

 

Say hey Ray, (couldn't help it)...This reminded me of another "traffic" joke.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where it appeared both the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes,"

"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes,"

"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes,"

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes,"
"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

 

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third fellow got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a top*ess bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored top*ess bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

 

This aint a joke, i just thought it was funny.

 

2 Russian soldiers, Misha and Aloysha are standing guard it the crumbled remains of Stalingrad. As it is a cold nite, the 2 have been warming themselves with vodka. After quite a while of drinking, 1 looks at the other and says,
"Misha, my bladder is full and I must go take pee."
the other replies, " Is good idea Aloysha, I think I join you!"
So here they are, 2 frozen Reds, pieeing to thier hearts content, when the first looks to the other and says,
"Misha, why is it when I pee, it makes big noise. But when you pee, it makes no noise at all?
"Simple!" replies Misha. "When you pee, you are doing it on sacred soil of Mother Russia. She is protesting!. But I, I pee on your coat!!"