joke of the day..

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "Ah! That was the screen saver."

 

so that's why I didn't get the laptop I wanted for Christmas

 

A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar. The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head. The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?" The blind man replies,"Just looking around."

 

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"​

 

"I didnt do it officer! If you 'c', I will explain!"

...

That was probably the lamest joke i ever told...

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

Two Feet of Snow..lol

 

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum - you can't beat it!.

 

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

 

Three scotswomen are walking home
at night (they are neighbors) and find
a scotsman passed out partially
under a wagon. His upper body is
under the wagon and they can't see
who he is; however, they would like to
help him get home. The first woman
looks under his kilt and says, "It's not
my husband". The second woman
looks under his kilt and says, It's not
my husband". The third woman looks
under his kilt and says, "Why he's not
even from our village!"

 

Not that I would Know about this or anything...lol

 

WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!

 

This has got to be the lamest, most stupidest joke the world has ever seen...

And thats why its fit for this thread lol, just kidding.



Why can't a dog use a computer?
Hes distracted by cats chasing the mouse.