joke of the day..

> The Zen of Sarcasm
>
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
> Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
> Do not walk beside me either.
> Just pretty much leave me alone.
>
> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
>
> 3. It's always darkest before dawn.
> So if you're going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper,
> that's the time to do it.
>
> 4. Don’t be irreplaceable.
> If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
>
> 5. Always remember that you're unique.
> Just like everyone else.
>
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
> try missing a couple of car payments.
>
> 8. Before you criticize someone,
> you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them,
> you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
> 9 . If at first you don't succeed,
> skydiving is probably not for you.
>
> 10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
> Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
> it was probably a wise investment.
>
> 12 . If you tell the truth,
> you don't have to remember anything.
>
> 13. Some days you're the bug;
> some days you're the windshield.
>
> 14. Everyone seems normal
> until you get to know them.
>
> 15. The quickest way to double your money is
> to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
>
> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
> and it holds the universe together.
>
> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
> Neither one works.
>
> 19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
> when your lips are moving.
>
> 20. Experience is something you don't get
> until just after you need it.
>
> 21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
>
> AND
>
> 22 . Never, under any circumstances,
> take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Mr. Smith went to the doctor for a check up. He was elderly and very hard of hearing so his wife went into the exam room with him.

The doctor told Mr. Smith, "please stick out your toungue so I can look down your throat"... Smith replied "WHAT" ??
His wife shouted to her husband in a loud voice, "STICK OUT YOUR TOUNGUE HE NEEDS TO LOOK DOWN YOUR THROAT" !!

The doctor then tells Mr. Smith, "please roll up your sleave so I can check your blood pressure"... Smith relpied WHAT ??
His wife shouted to her husband in a loud voice, "ROLL UP YOUR SLEAVE SO HE CAN CHECK YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE" !!

The doctor then tells Mr. Smith, "one more test and we're done but I need a stool and urine specimen".. Smith replied WHAT ??
His wife shouted to her husband in a loud voice, "HE WANTS YOUR UNDERWARE !!



!

 

August 1941, AH on his plans how to colonize Russia:
»As for the Swiss, we can use them, at the best, as hotelkeepers.«

 

It's a snowy winter's evening in Moscow, somewhere in the early 1970s....and two Soviet Interior Ministry guards are pacing the walls of the Kremlim in the blizzard. One walks slowly up to the other...

"Chilly, Comrade?"

"Niet", says the other, "Today it's Bolivia, tomorrow it's Chile!"

 

Since it is Super Bowl Sunday, this is apropos.

There was this guy who LOVED football. It was his dream to go to the superbowl. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.


Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game. His seats really suck. He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least he's there!


He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that one seat, way down in the middle, only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty! Jesus, how the heck could someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!?


This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on. During halftime, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat. It's a 2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat.


He says, "Is that your seat?"

The guy says, "Yeah, it's my wife's seat. We come here together every year."

He says, "Well, where is she?"


The guy says, "She passed away..."

So, he says "geez... Sorry to hear that. So, why'd you come alone?

The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me."

He says, "What? Are you nuts? You couldn't find a friend or brother or cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"

And the guy says "Nope. They all wanted to go to the funeral."

 

This caught my eye today, and since I only saw the "highlights" of the halftime show as some of it made the news (for some reason), I simply had to share it.

 

In the theme of golf jokes:

Alice and Tom had a big date planned for their anniversary, but Tom had also booked 18 rounds with Fred that morning. They worked a compromise, with Tom promising Alice that he would be back by 2pm, and that the evening he had planned would be one to remember! With a quick kiss, he set off with Fred for the club.

2pm rolled around, and no Tom. Alice was annoyed.
3pm came. 4pm. 5pm.

Finally, at 7pm that evening, Tom came dragging through the door, hot, tired, dusty, and sweaty. Alice immediately started in on him. "2PM! You PROMISED you'd be back by 2pm! Why, you no-good, self-centered, conniving-"

"Wait a second, Babe, lemme tell you what happened," Tom interrupted, leaning his clubs against the wall. "We started out on time, the weather was perfect, and the day was going great, when all of a sudden, on the 3rd hole, Fred dropped dead of a heart attack."

Alice immediately switched gears. "Oh, dear, that's terrible! His poor wife! Are you doing okay?" she cried, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm beat, though. The rest of the day was nothing but 'hit the ball...drag Fred....hit the ball....drag Fred...'"

 

Gun Wisdom




Some words to the wise. Shooting Advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it:



A. Guns have only two enemies -- rust and politicians.

B. Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C. Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D. Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

E. Never say "Ive got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F. The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G. The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - cheat if necessary.

H. Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets . . . You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it'll be empty.

I. If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you're not shooting, you should be loading.

2. If you're not loading, you should be shooting or moving,

3. If you're not moving, you're dead.

J. In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong, but do something!

K. If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L. You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M. You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

 

I don’t know where I heard this golfer joke, but probably from one of my cousins who is a real golf nut up on the Hi-Line.


A pastor and a parishioner are out for a round one lovely afternoon, and whenever the lay person would shank or hook a shot, or put himself in a trap he would curse loud and long, throw his club in the general direction of the ball followed by even more obscenity. The pastor shook his head every time this happened and admonished his partner for his foul language, warning him that God didn’t look with favor on this sort of speech.


On about the sixth hole, the parishioner missed a really easy shot on the flag and really let fly with the expletives followed with; "Dam*!!!, missed again". Just at that moment the sky clouded up, thunder rumbled, and then a bolt dashed out of the sky and struck the pastor dead on the spot!


The parishioner stood with his mouth open, looking at his now dead partner laying nearly at his feet, and a HUGE voice boomed out of the sky; "Dam*, missed again."

 

The elderly lady Mrs. Kelly lost her faithful companion, a 15 year old dog.....

Distraught, she called Father O'Banion to have her dog burried in the Catholic Cemetery. The good father told her it would be impossible to burry her dog there. She pleaded and pleaded to bury her old friend there, but Father O'Banion refused to burry her dog in the Catholic Cemetery. She called one last time and again he refused. The poor lady was at her wits ends and said to the father, "Well I guess I'll call the Lutheran Pastor down the road and see if I can have my dog burried in the Lutheran Cemetery for a $5,0000 donation."

Father O'Banion then shouted "Mrs. Kelly why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic" !!!

 

Well, since Valentine's Day is coming up:




A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” - Anonymous

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” - Anonymous

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t. - James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Red Skelton

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want?” - Dumas

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - Sam Kinison

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous

 

Some of us Americans may recall a movie with Mel Gibson called What Women Want, in which Mel's character acquires telepathic powers to read womens' thoughts. At one point - this was also used in many of the promos - Mel exclaims "I can hear what women think!" to which I respond "So what, that's all any of us ever hear...."

 

Peanuts is still a good one every now and then;

 

The bartender says "We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos in here."

Two faster-than-light neutrinos walk into a bar.