joke of the day..

I repeat this one for the Irish....

O'Malley went to the doctor because he wasn't feeling well. After his examination the doctor told him, Mr. O'Malley I don't know what's wrong with you but I think it's due to drinking too much.

O'Malley said, No problem doc I'll come back when you're sober !!

 

Little Tommy who is 8 years old and little Johnny who is 9 years old decided they were old enough to cuss in front of their devout Baptist mother.

The next morning their mother asked them what they wanted for breakfast this morning.... Little 9 year old Johnny said "Just give me some dam cornflakes".... Upon hearing that his mother grabbed him by his collar and gave him a spanking all the way to his room and told him to stay in his room for an hour.

She came back downstairs and asked little Tommy what he wanted for breakfast. Little 8 year old Tommy said "I sure in the hell don't want cornflakes" !!

 

His name was Bubba, he was from South Carolina ..... and he needed a
loan, so....... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for
the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found
that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the University of South
Carolina , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with
real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
investments
include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas .
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

His name was BUBBA....

Keep an eye on those southern boys

 

(scary thought: what's this email going to look like when it reads "Class of 2010 vs 2063"?)

The Class of 1957 vs. 2010...
Times, they are a changing (for the worse, I think)

You know by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse , Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .

2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

Ran across this Garfield this morning, and just had to share.

 

I was going to post this in the old "infected" with malware thread, but thought better of it. That was no laughing matter.

 

View attachment 16300

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

​

 

Nature is weird...

LiveLeak.com - Killer Whale Imitates A Boat's Motor!!

 

Stop me if you've heard this one (just kidding).

A Montana rancher has an extra buck one day after shopping for his weeks worth of groceries, so he spends it on a powerball ticket in the lottery with a machine generated set of numbers. A bit later he finds out he won the big jackpot (then) of $20,000,000. Now in Montana any winning lottery ticket over a certain amount has to be claimed in person in Helena (our capitol), and the choice has to be made as to how the "winnings" will be paid.

The options are a "lump sum" (with killer taxes, federal and state), or as an annuity with a set payment made each year tax paid. He ponders this for a while, and takes the yearly annuity option. When asked why he didn't take the lump sum and just leave Montana, he responded that; "I figure I'll just keep on ranchin' until this money runs out."

 

LOL

 

Then there was the fellow who won a million dollars in the lottery, spent half of it on fancy women, a quarter-million on booze - and the rest he squandered.

 

This is the way I feel about most tv programs, very few are worth watching.

 

An elderly friend of mine called the other day. He was proud to tell me he bought a brand new state of the art hearing aid.

He said he loved it, best thing he ever bought. Nobody can see it and he paid $6,000 for it.

I screamed at him !!! $6,000 what kind is it ??!!

He said..... About 10:30

 

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Martin, Mark, and Brian. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen.

She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Martin, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"

And Martin was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his doom.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!!" And Mark, like Martin, was whisked off.

Brian, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delighted, Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age material bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil say : "Cindy, you have sinned ..."

 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup!'

 

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying; "No sh!t, what happened next?"