joke of the day..

One for the football fans maybe...

Sir Alex Ferguson was so pleased with Man United winning this year's championship that he decided to give a few of his best players a special treat and booked them a day's Sky Diving.
He was stood on the ground, watching them happily spiralling down, when he realized he'd lost sight of Rooney and started to get worried about where he could have gone, particularly as Rooney's not very bright.

Seconds later, Dimitar Berbatov smacks into the ground next to Ferguson, obviously having fallen from a great height and leaving a deep crater.

Then Rooney glides in and lands next to his manager.

Sir Alex looks at him, looks at Berbatov, not moving in the crater he's left on the landing field and says "Wayne, what the f*ck just happened?"

Rooney replies "Well things got a bit nasty in that last bit. I couldn't deploy my parachute at first and did as we were told in the training."

"I threw my reserve."

 

A New Yorker, born and raised, went for his first drive in the country.
He passed a farmer in his field helping a cow calving.
He stopped and watched from the fence.
After the calf was delivered the New Yorker said to the farmer “Can I ask you an question?”.
The farmer said “Sure, ask away.”
The New Yorker ask “How fast was that thing going when it hit the cow?”.

 

This is just too good, isn't it? I wonder when Fars News reports it.

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/32 ... r-kirsanow

 

Truth in Advertising? – Hazard Fraught Tools

 

The Vice President of a financial company asked the General Manager...... "Are you fooling around with the receptionist" ?

"No Sir, never" he replied.

VP said "Good, then you fire her" !

 

ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN
Wall Photos | Facebook

I have not laughed that hard in years...

S'truth:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...review-pages-painful-genital-experiences.html

"Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your eye, before tying your hands behind your back.
Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion.
All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that."

Cont... http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

 

We have ducks moving in. That's WAY too early for us.

 

Since this one isn't really "political", I'll put it here:

 

A friend of mine swears this really happened, and got him thrown off an airplane:

The stewardess came down the aisle with the drink cart saying "Anyone care for some cocktails?"
and he said "Sure, tell us a few!"

 

ROTFLMBO!!!

 

Fre Wilsons advertising was a hoot.

Reminded me of pages from the "Brand New Monty Python Papperbok", (no spelling mistake). Python had ad for an Encyclopedia set called "The Hackenthorp Book of Lies", (Featuring such tit-bits as,
Did you know that El Greco's real name was E.L.Grecott?
Chuck Berry wrote most of Shakepeares plays?
The Everly Brothers turned down a Knighthood?
The reason why windowas steam up is because of all the fish in the atmosphere?
That Moslems are forbidden to eat glass?.....These are just a few of the totally innacurate facts in "The Hackenthorpe book of Lies", contains over 60 million untrue facts and figures.

Or...an ad for the "Welsh Martial Art" of LLAP GOCH, requiring only a four second workout each day. LLAP GOCH is based on the premise that attack is the best form of defense, but not just any old attack, but an attack on someone who does not know of your existense!!!

Their Slater Chemicals magazine for girls (called '16') features an agony column with a letter from Annie, (name and address supplied on request), asking which vaginal deodorant cliff Richard uses. Apparently, they called to ask him, but he was out.

Their Medallion Set for The Official commemoration of the History of Mankind are produced in "solid Welsh Silver", a "very atrractive and valuable Zinc/Bakelite alloy. These medals feature such hisstorical scenes as

Mrs Rene' Descartes sleeping, Napolean forging luncheon vouchers, Marie Curie eluding Nero's troops by hiding in a lift, Leonardo da Vinci "nearly inventing Canasta", Peter The Great carving his initals on a passing vicar,....


Oh for the days when Python published!

 

What did the Indian Chief say to his dying, mauled son after a deadly buffalo hunt? Bi son.......I know, I know, told this joke back in the 100's. Changed it a bit though.

 

I just installed one of these! I got the American "blonde" version.
Sometimes it opens the garage door, sometimes it just lets the cat out.

[video=youtube;1C-Bxifv2Pk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1C-Bxifv2Pk#![/video]

 

Some golden oldies...

granny came to the newsagent's and asked for the Das Reich magazine.
"There's no Das Reich any more," says the agent.
She went away a bit, returned in a while and asked again:
"Das Reich, please."
He didn't recognize her and repeated calmly:
"There is no Das Reich anymore."
She left, but minutes later she's back and asking for the same. The agent recognized her this time and spitted angrily: "I told you twice. There is no Das Reich any more. What is it with you?"
"I just could listen to this all the time..."

The Germans had these collection campaigns all the time. They collected scrap paper, scrap metal, blankets, gloves, old cloths, they collected money every "Opfersonntag", they took skis, bells, car batteries, rail car cranks, shortly, they stole whatever they could.
"Man, have you heard? On Sunday they'll start collecting all chairs!"
"Why?"
"Germans have been standing too long at Stalingrad!"

K.H. Frank, the Minister of State to the Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia, complained to one of his faithful colleagues that there is no street, square or anything named after him. "Heydrich has an Embankment, Hitler has a Platz, Goering-Strasse everywhere, Konrad-Henlein-Platz and I am still without anything with my name on it."
"Just wait till after the war ends," his comrade told him, "the whole Ruhr area will be called Frankreich after you."

 

I could not imagine Disney taking over Lucas Films and the Star Wars product, and make it a cartoon. I doubt I'll go see any of them, but I thought this 'toon was a hoot!!