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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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  2. TD-Tommy776

    TD-Tommy776 Man of Constant Sorrow

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    BTDT. Except I got to keep most of my stuff. All except my dignity and self esteem, that is.
     
  3. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Yeah but you got it back Tommy...I just lost furniture...cheap price to pay. Bet we're all better off for it though...

    Blimey..the 3 muskateers...lets invade a small country and cause chaos...
     
  4. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    Dignity? Who needs it!
     
  5. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Child seat laws are getting crazy!
     

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  6. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    See the way Belasar routed us back on the road...He's good that lad...gotta watch him..he'll go far..starts now he could be in Alaska by August..oh forgot...the clones...sorry drones already are watching him..
     
  7. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    The Three Stooges - Dizzy Pilots 1943

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2K_IqlRVnE
     
  8. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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    All right back to the topic


    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

    Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
     
  9. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Chinese Stealth Cavalry
     

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  10. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    They have a mechanical bull in a gin joint called "Cowgirls" on the corner of Iberville and Bourbon Street in the French Quarter. Nice place. Been there a few times myself. Anyway, at times in the wee hours a nekkid cowgirl can be seen riding the bull at a very slow speed. Pure art it is gents. And they say that there's nothing of any social value in the French Quarter.

    Ok here's a joke for you people to keep with the spirit of the thread.

    You know that the tooth brush was invented in England right, because if it was invented in the US it would have been called the teeth brush....

    A bit harsh eh?
     
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  11. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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    You know that the tooth brush was invented in England right, because if it was invented in the US it would have been called the teeth brush....

    A bit harsh eh?


    I signed in just to 'like' that!
     
  12. TD-Tommy776

    TD-Tommy776 Man of Constant Sorrow

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    I dare you to go over to WW2Talk and tell that joke. :mischief:
     
  13. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    That's ok, it'll be our little secret. Besides I mentioned the old WW2 saying that the American troops in England had about "under dressed, under paid, under sexed and under IKE" before. Didn't go over too well. Tough crowd those Englishmen.
     
  14. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    Ok here's another borderline tasteless (non-pc types=funny) joke that can be used in most places depending on whose (who's) around of course. I first heard it told as a joke about the people from Livingston Parish, which has a high rate of "trailer park" and "camps" that people occupy. On the job we referred to them as Livingston Parish Dirt Bags. Anyway....

    What's the most common conversation between a father and his 15 year old daughter in Livingston?

    "Daddy, daddy get off of me, you're crushing my cigarettes!!!!"



    What, too much? I thought it was funny.
     
  15. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    A sign of the Apocalypse!
     

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  16. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    I hope this isn't posted earlier in this thread. It's one of those email things that get passed around endlessly.

    Pilots Vs Control Towers:


    [SIZE=14pt]"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"[/SIZE]
















    [SIZE=14pt]Delta 351: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Give us another hint! We have digital[/SIZE] watches!"












    [SIZE=14pt]Tower: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]TWA 2341: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Tower: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"I'm f....ing bored!" [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Ground Traffic Control: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Unknown aircraft: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]United 329: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"What was your last known position?"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Student: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"When I was number one for takeoff." [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]San Jose Tower Noted: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Ground (in English): [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"If you want an answer you must speak in English." [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Lufthansa (in English):[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Because you lost the bloody war!" [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]Tower: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Eastern 702: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Continental 635: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers." [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" [/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."[/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Ground: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Speedbird 206: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"[/SIZE]










    [SIZE=14pt]Speedbird 206 (coolly): [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]a[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]nd I didn't land." [/SIZE]












    [SIZE=14pt]While taxiing at London '[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]s [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]Gatwick [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]"Yes, ma'am," [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14pt]"Wasn't I married to you once?"[/SIZE]












     
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  17. A-58

    A-58 Cool Dude

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    "Red dust in your navel, red dust in your shirt, see beautiful Darwin, see beautiful dirt".

    author: unknown US sailer posted in Darwin, Australia
     
  18. Carronade

    Carronade Ace

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    Then there was the time a pilot made a hot landing at a naval air station. The tower demanded to know who was flying that plane.

    "Captain Smith" came the reply.

    "Is that a Navy captain or a Marine captain?"

    "Navy captain!"

    "Nice landing, captain."
     
  19. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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    I know this is an old one but ;

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"
     
  20. Poppy

    Poppy grasshopper

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    HAhahaha. Teethbrush. lolol.
     

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