Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.
Nominee for the worst job of the year:
As Dave Barry would say, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, a few years ago a zookeeper (in Germany?) was treating an elephant for constipation and was killed when the beast let go with 400 pounds of ..............
While walking around the harbor this morning I saw an older woman in a pantsuit slipping off the wall while taking a selfie. She fell into the cold water and began screaming as she tried to stay afloat, paddling clumsily around hampered by her heavy polyester pantsuit. I ran up and recognized that it was none other than Hillary Clinton! It was obvious that without help she'd drown, so even though I have strongly negative opinions about this woman, I did would any good citizen would do and contacted the Police, the Fire Department and even the Coast Guard.
It's now been over an hour and she's finally sunk into the cold waters of the bay. I guess I just wasted three stamps.
Heard a really dumb joke on the radio. It may not work reading it, so say it fast and out loud.
What do you get when a brown chicken and a brown cow have sex?
hint: think porno background music.
And here I thought you liked the song
A musician friend of mine mentioned a band at a retirement home that call themselves The Grateful Living.
Liberals have already started fixing potholes across Canada!
Letter from ASDA to a banned customer:
Dear Bobby Cornwall.
Please note the following reasons why you are now banned from ASDA Stores in Cornwalll.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
..1. January 15:
......Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
..2. January 24:
......Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
..3. February 7:
......Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
..4. February 19:
......Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in House Wares..... and watched what happened.
..5. February 27:
......Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" causing injury to other shoppers.
..6. March 15:
......Set up a tent in the outdoor department and invited shoppers in if they would bring you sausages and a Calor gas stove.
..7. March 23:
......When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help you?, you began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
..8. April 4:
......Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked your nose, and ate it.
..9. April 10:
......While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were situated.
10. May 3:
......Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the theme tune from "Mission Impossible"
11. May 6:
......In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. May 18:
......Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
13. May 21:
......When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. June 2:
......Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Kawai's all new upright piano for composing Rap Arrangements.
Hopefully the zookeeper wasn't smoking.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
#1290-HA- never heard that before. Reminds me a little of Wynona's Big Brown Beaver by Primus
In time for US Thanksgiving Day: