Medieval comedians...Or What did you do in Evesham daddyKhaun

They weren't real wolverines, just woodchucks shaved to look like wolverines. Apparently, they'd been cheated by some shifty Navajo in a big elk for wolverines swap. Still, an enraged woodchuck in a sack is still a formidable weapon.

 

Contents..Introduction part 1

The Battle of Lewes..overview..part 2

The Battle of Britain..sorry old habits...Battle of Evesham finale..

The censor just laughed when asked for a certificate..and granted it a universal certificate..For all viewing needs.

Part one of thee Intoduction to Medieval life...a concept all who post on ww2 forums will understand......

Well Skipper...Sorry Demontfort takes 6 parts eventually but that will become clearer later...

The scene...An England, generally peaceful in the medieval days of old...Apart from the odd and they are odd aren't the..ploughman and peasant causing trouble
over minor plagues and ethnic cleansing...Nothing changes there then...

Henry the third...OK..they will now be called by their ww2forum names...see the cast list in post one...

Otto..reigns...he always has apparantly....Son of John Of Robin Hood fame...Known as King John lacklands...cos he stupidly forgot where he put em...true..I tell no tales..
thats Oppanapoointers job...and lou's to sing about them...But Robin Hood is not our story today...besides...he was but a myth...whereas Otto son of John Lackland is always present...always amongst us....Yeah says Fred Wilson...you try getting his attention...I've got a problem with the p's and Q's in me arrows against charriots thread....Otto...we need intelligence on the forum....A cry many a moderator and trustee has been known to cry...

And men in bed in England...Oh shut up poopy shout the forum members...this is not Agincourt...Speak English man...Von poop head down..returns to his castle in ww2 talk Brittany..He will raise his Franglais later in our story..

But back to our epic...Otto..has reigned peacefully sort of...He has married the usual Elaneor that rulers of the time were forced to marry..generally these Eleanors were awash it seems in England at the time...the washing was another matter...Plague and pestiance ruled the day just ask Mcrusk...she toiled day and night as the Nations washerwoman...It was a difficult task...as soap was yet to be invented...she washed the knights clothes...she washed royalties clothes...she even washed Biaks clothes..Tuppence extra sir...for the stains you know...Aye says Biak...the stains...I fear fear...there are folk with big lances in the country...Stains will happen...Tuppence you say..Aye sire..tuppence...Will you take a penny now and a apenny next week...Sire...you may not be here next week....Oh bugger..more stains...

Otto surveys his lands...the ones John Lackland has left him...there is England...England...and England...memo to self...Otto, make peace with French...take Scotland take Wales Leave Ireland for some other poor idiot..Take Gascony...thats Gascony not Gaviscon..that would be silly thats for colds and flu...although there was the plague...

Now Otto...king of all he surveyed...and it was getting smaller by the minute...Gascony was getting pretty much smaller and smaller as Von Poop King of all France and all south east Asia asked the question..and Englishmen now a bed...Oh shut up Poopy...as Von poop asked the question...Verrilly why r all dese smelly English people in my country....A question asked throughout history..and still asked to this day...For another thread..another story...but the answer...Cos we do and we can...

Otto surveyed his lands...KB...I want you to go abroad and rape, pillage and generally let Johnny foreigner know we are about these lands...Ok Dad says KB..I'll just get my weapons together...Where shall I start dad? Try the peasants in England first...then work your way up to that bugger Wallace in Scotland...You'll need a horse...or if you prefer..shank's pony...Your tall enough...Eleanor...why is our first son 6 foot and 20 acres and I'm only 5 foot 2 archers and a bread basket? They had funny measuring systems in England...we still do...Because he is darling answered dbf...He has longer shanks than you darling husband but he has the heart of a knight..Biak overhears this and offers his support to Edward Longshanks as is now known..Or KB as we know him on here..Biak, wanted to keep his heart...and since he was a knight and looking around the court..he was the only knight there..he was not letting kb take his heart...Thats theepennys I'll owe that damn Mcrusk now...

KB went off to preserve his fathers lands and laws...Only kill the peasants son...shouted Otto as KB rode out of the castle...Ok dad..shouts KB as he rides off with Biak and a number of like minded murderin gits..or knights of great chiveloury as we called em....the best England has produced apparantly...The few...these gallant few..these...Oh for gods sakes Poopy...shut up...

France and Von Poop watched...Laughed...sang songs of William the Conquer..And ww2 talk Brittany carried on its life as always..not knowing that England was coming one day..and would never leave....And Englishmen now asleep...someone boil some oil..shout the ww2 forum members...that von poop spot needs lancing...

All was quiet on the western front...the yanks had not yet been invented...have you noticed how peaceful the medieval period was...I put that down to no America..but I'm not anti American you understand...Oh we had our wars...our plagues...our ethncic cleansing...Murdering episodes..Invasions..blood, rape, pillage, devestation of the Jews..and all the rest of the knightly chivererous stuff...but we never chewed gum...And I'm sticking to that..not the gum...Jousting was the sport...can you imagine the Yanks taking our jousting...Popcorn...Hot dogs...Peanuts...Live at the super arch...today...Pay per view only on Fox...fair and balanced...you decide...No..we'll stick here to Tamino the town cryer...oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah..Mongols here, Mongols there...nazis every flipping where...Pictures at ten..Tamino..fair and balanced you decide...The two monks amongst us Jenish and Karjala have already decided...The wrath of God on you Tamino...may pestulance and disease visit you house for you know Ghengis Kahn was as bad a ruler as The pope...

Now the lands of merry England were the lands of freemen...of folk born into a democratic society...where a pauper could take his cod piece and rise to knight of the realm...Health care and social welfare was well monitored...all were happy...dear was for all...Englsh freeman wanted for nothing...I can't carry on with this...But thats what it says in the history books...I take most of this from the squire David Of Irving...and he is known for his truthfullness.Our 3 morris men were busy...travelling the lands...morrising...Taking their pole with them to which ever village they visited...We all need a Pole after all...Who else would do the plumbing..and Medieval plumbing was awash..do you see what I did there...awash...awash with sewage...Its not my fault...shouts Mcrusk..There's no soap...Dirty smellie Eeeenglish...shouts Von poop...Don't worry he will be getting his cumuppence later in our story...Tourists travelled the lanes and byways...well there was only the one...Tarmacadam knight of Scotland had not yet been born..the roads were littered with dead Romans...Britons...Saxons...Anglo's...Danes..Vikings...No cleaners yet you see...Bodies all over the place...Our story and hero KB will be adding more shortly...USMC Pricey, A58 and Jugs..were on their first mead tour of the oldey Engerland...they had seen it in a brochure..paxtons first Readers Digest of ye old inns of England....Little did the 3 vetrans of earlier wars know what was to befall them shortly as they rode their donkeys up the lanes..searching for hostels to put them up for the night and share their mead and cheese....Foreingners abroad...We'll have em later...As they make their way across the battlefield of Evesham, in shorts, white socks and sandals...I fear for them...

Into this land came the Welsh led by Texson...I'm not going to keep writing that Wesh name down...So texson it is....Chucking the English out of Wales..his Viet Taff army taking no prisoners...Land of my fathers ran out all over Wales...Who's yer daddy shouted Longshanks as he appeared on the border at Chester in his new castle..And thus the Welsh Marshers appeared...noble men of England and some French for some reason who owned lands on the border...and the cause of our battles in Evesham and Lewes was now on the way to be written into history..so its the Welsh mens fault...it always is..or was until the Irish men came along later in history..that like The Mexicans to any yanks reading this...blame it all on San Andreas...its all his fault...I've said it before I'll say it agian...its not his fault its yours for building on it...but I'm off topic...Belasar has just pm'd me...or sent a pigeon actually...I take note and return to battle...the pigeon was nice too...Lovely jubbly..

And now...With the English Lords demanding change...and war with Wales....nothing changes...we just call it rugby now...Otto got worried...The barons are revolting he told KB...they smell too said Kb...Its the mud you know...Its no flaming soap shouts Mcrusk...when is someone going to invent soap...they'd clean up in this place...
And now Demontfort enters the story...Son of a famous Frenchman...much trumpeted was this earl...for introducing British Democracy before Cromwell was even a gleam in his mums eye...He too married one of the Eleanors of this fine land...or Marmat as we know him..her...sorry her...and he...she bore him many sons...some who would die in battle beside him...loyal to the end..one who could have saved the day...Simon Junior...Urqh we shall now call him..who had a party the night before the battle..entertaining 3 yank tourists...and didn't see what was coming...too many meads make for lost kingdoms and permanant seperation of father skipper...In six parts...we'll get to skippers six parts later...
Demontfort...that great democratic, freethinker...that knight bold, warrior...English knight...French...eh? French...whats that von poop...He was French are you deaf....Von poop return hence to your castle and let me think over this bombshell....French..go away poopy....just sayin..get lost poopy...Its only the internet..oh sod off poop...Going...good...

That great Anglo French bastion of freedom Demontfort entered our land and our story to save the English from themselves..to save democracy, freedom...

Money
Eh?
Money...are you deaf..
I thought you'd gone back to your ww2 talk caslte...
Just sayin..
What...go away poopy...
Just saying...he only did it for the spondoolics...the cash...the fivers...he was behind the first banking crisis...
OK...our...democratic freethinking capatalist knight Demontfort now enters the fray...
To cut a long story short...he made mates with KB..Belasar...and Biak amongst other barons and freethinkers of our realm...freethinkers...I can't hold the belly lauighs..sorry..or 3 stinkers as Mcrusk would say..no soap you see...anyway...Demontort allies himself with other barons...especially those of the Welsh Marshes..and like the barons of old....see barons war mark one...puts Otto in a predicament...Politics...we can't really go into it or we will end up in the stump...But basically...otto was put in a corner...and come on..its his land and forum..There will be trouble...lances were prepared...Fred Wilson was heard to say..I'll never get all thise horses shoed...Thers only one of me...Mcrusk cried...I've only just put the cod pieces on the line...its raining...Tips were taken off lances...Carefull Kb Youll have someones eye out with that..
Its not the weapon says Longshanks KB...why are you blaming the weapon...
Sides were taken...horses neighed...Martin Bull brushed his bridge as usual...not knowing what was coming his way...If he had known he'd have bought buckets...manure was big in those day....especially for the garden..GT Blackwell was on Greenhill...his favourite picnic spot...lying lazily in the sunshine...think I'll come back next week and cut the grass...Oh for want of a crystal ball...for any balls...England at this moment needed balls...Ljad was in Rome being King..wandering how the earl of Cornwall got this job...but hey...its better than being at home at moment...Barons war 2 looks like erupting...maybe I should go home and offer Otto my skills...Friends, Romans Countrymen...I have to leave you..for old England..a war is in the offing...and like Roger Whittacker...look it up...he sailed for England...shame shouted the Romans..Who was dat man Luigi...I know not Franscesco...he had a crown on his head and a long robe...said he was king of the Romans...ha ha ha...that old one..we have not sold anything like that since Lambardo sold the bridge of sighs to those 3 American tourists...
Henry Demontfort stuck to his dad like glue throgout these days...he'll be regretting this later...maybe he should have joined brother Urqh for the party...
Clemintine...Bishiop of Worcester, prayed...Sang sea shanties and prayed some more...she was to ally herself. himself to Demontfort...and as we all know...stuck iwth him to the end...that fatefull day at Evesham...ministering mass to the Demontfort knights before scarpering across Marins bridge calling out I've forgotten my sandals before dissapearing out of sight...God Bless the chuch....
Slipdigit, Earl of Gloucester...sharpened his blade...He had got what he wanted...civil war...was coming..he would make sure he would be on the winning side...He puton he grey armour....but put the blue one in his valise...just in case...Let loose the dogs of war he shouted...and he whistled Dixie as he marched his household knights up the Thames to Oxford...No paddle steamers yet...not invented...nor soap..shut up mcrusk...Clothes arn't drying...what? Its Summer in England..you want the clothes to dry before battle and you pick an English summer...Look...I'll get back to you Mcrusk...Ok...but make it quick...Biak owes me 5 pennies now...someone told him its war..
Cac polished his flagpole...I'm the standard bearer I am cobber...Whats that skippy..blood and gore...what...death and destruction...Gallipoli mark 2...Oh eck...
Poppy read his books...I'm sure the red one is the enemy...For gods sakes Poppy said Skipper get it right man...I don't want to march out in the future into any traps do I....Oh no sire...I'm sure I'll have the banners in me ead by then...As skipper turned angrilly away....if you don't you won't have a head poppy...trust me...
Belasar that traiter despised...no tratior has been merangued...or harangued even so much since Mordrid the traitror despised...had his eye on the queen...What a cad..He wanted more than just a country...Who would he side with...not sure...he has not seen the winner yet..he'll decide later...
Texson gave his welsh spearmen to Biak to look after...Biak promised not to lose them...
Historian saw the writing on the wall for Scotland...The first bruce was worried...William Wallace was not to be seen yet...So historian saddled quite litterally up to Otto...the creep...You have Scotland with you mlud....Oh gawd said Otto....
Lou thought he'd make a killing in the coming war...they'll always want songs he thought...I'll get me banjo...
Ptminns lay on his boat at Offenham...If they come I'll charge em sixpence a horse...3 Pennies a knight..2 pennies a archer...penny a soldier...I'll make a killing here...Wise words for a killing he would soon make..but money...little...Oh bugger...I'll get me axe..I have one to grind..
Brndirt1..Clint of the sheep files as he was known....was training his new dog up on the Green hill...looking down at his sheep and Evesham in the distance...glad that he had chose such fine grass for grazing...what man could be happier in the sunshine looking down on his sheep...what that glistneing over in Evesham..whats all that dust about...looks like were in for a storm lucy...lucy was his favourite ewe...soon to be roasting on a spit ...armies to feed you know...He'll get a chit of payment...no really...a chit...a real chit of payment..honest..
Oppanapointer the monk scribe was looking forward to this...Hyperwars...medievil how am I going to get this bunch of idiots on the site...though....
Skipper looked at him...tell your story scribe...tell it well...tell it truthfully...and tell of my victories..and my mercy....Ok squire says Op...but We don't do mercy...as Skipper was shortly to find out for himself...Still he always did say he spread himself around far too much...
The pope..Lwd..issued his decree...Skipper is wrong...Otto is right...and issued the Popes instrucitons....ones which have gone through history and decided mans fate for centuries...Otto...king of England...Save our money...sorry...save our souls...
4th Wilts was wandering how he was going to pay his taxes this year...plague had gone...ethinic cleansing was few and far between now the Jews had been decimated...Not too many horses had carried their owners into the bog he set up by the bridge...He was in a financial mess..How would he survive the coming winter...Fear not brave grave digger..business is about to get better..

Reason was over...treason was the word thrown out...I'll raise your treason and see you said Skipper Demontfort...See you on the battlefield said Otto...who was not know as a fighter himself...Thats Kb's game he thought..But I'll go along for the parade...Horses were saddled...fed..shodded...dressed...Hang on theres only one of me said Fred Wilson...armour was put on...helmets shined...cod pieces padded...Mcrusk was angry...no soap...and all this blood coming my way....Biak took out a loan on hearing this...good rates from the Pope...Shouts of freedom...justice....revenge....hotdogs...were heard throughout the land...men marched...men hid...men dressed as women....Who can blame them....We march to Lewes..and a cursory glance at the battle...for that is not our story...but must be told...KB..grab a sword...

 

I just feel dirty...

 

Alack and alas- I am undone!

 

Well, as I read it, the ploughman seems to be the hero of the story. :eyebrows:

 

Lewisham battle up tomorrow....I got waylaid...Funny thing happened on the way to the battle....

 

HOLLYOOD NEWS FLASH:
Upon a brief perusal, my impression of the first epic release by the unknown artiste: URQH, is big news. Not since Fifty Shades Of Grey, has there been such a kerfuffle...Noticed an unknown actor, [I waited for the credits , because his small part mesmerized me] by the name of Poppy. Surely, he has a future in any Urqh epic planned for the future...Urqh's Epic [as I like to call it] will equal any show tune previously presented.
SHHH
Second Part is aboot to begin. dot dot dot

 

That was awesome. Great insight Mr U.

This is the first historical document recovered, that has survived the Freedom...

 

Kindness?

Like mercy...it cost a shilling....

The only bit of England you Johnny foreigners will get...is six foot plots...dug with a spade...

Thats from Edward Longshanks in our story...not me you'll understand....

 

per the song:
"We'll grant him six feet plus as much as he's taller"
http://chivalry.com/cantaria/lyrics/shieldw.html

 

Ahhhh......A historical bent....Can you play the Lute Lwd....Yep...Godwin..to Brother Toksig I think...As an insult to Toksigs new found friends the hairy vikings....And that is what he gave them...A piece of ground as promised.