Some jokes and some funny pics...

A husband and wife were arguing about who would make the coffee at breakfast time.
"I think you should make it," says the wife. "I need to shower and do my hair and make-up, so by the time i am done you could have the coffee made."
"You should do it," answered the husband. "You are the woman and it is your job to make a home, so it figures you should make the coffee for me."
"That is not true," the wife answered. "And anyway, it says in the Bible that the husband should make the coffee."
"Oh yeah," the husband scoffed. "Prove it."
So off the wife goes, and comes back a few minutes later with a Bible in her hand. Opening it up, she points to a page and hands it over. "There," she said triumphantly.
Taking the Bible, the husband looked at it and realised it said 'Hebrews'.

 

Should have stopped at Midas and got new brakes.

 

Some pics I found the other day:







Fake recruiting posters that those who have had anything to do with our army might get:






This one isn't appropriate for those who don't like swearing:
army2.jpg - Image - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

 

Good ones Stefan! And from our web gallery, another "from the internet"

 

Feel free to put some of those in the web gallery if you like Peppy. The bit I love about that one is the Para in the background, what on earth is he doing there???

 

ExxonMobil sends man 2,000 credit cards

ExxonMobil sends man 2,000 credit cards - Yahoo! News

NEW YORK - He wanted a couple of credit cards. He got a couple of thousand. Manhattan accountant Frank Van Buren found himself flooded with plastic in recent weeks, as the ExxonMobil cards kept on coming. Van Buren, who said he has had an ExxonMobil account for his business for 17 years, had ordered two copies of his card because it was expiring.

He got the cards he requested — and then got two boxes with 1,000 cards each. Van Buren said it took hours to shred the cards, which all had his name and account number.

"How could you send me 2,000 cards by mistake?" Van Buren said he asked customer-service representatives.

ExxonMobil Corp. spokeswoman Paula Chen said the Irving, Texas-based oil company was looking into the mix-up

 

The Finnish F1 man Kimi Räikkönen finally found the suitable outfit to use so that no-one recognizes him....

http://www.iltalehti.fi/viihde/uusiuusiSP_vi.jpg

 

Be veeeeeeeeeeeery careful if you ever go to Turkey!

Ufuk Uras: An independent candidate running for Parliament - Turkish Daily News Jul 17, 2007

 

Have you guys ever heard of screaming lord Sutch and the Monster raving looney Party? He ran for PM as a joke!

 

Call the police! Hitler and FDR are naked!

By Associated Press
Tuesday, July 31, 2007

DUBLIN, Ireland - Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Franklin D. Roosevelt got stripped naked, and Fred Flintstone and the Teletubbies are missing after a raid on wax figures owned by Ireland’s National Wax Museum.

At least 50 figures were stolen or wrecked several weeks ago, the museum reported yesterday. The wax museum, closed since 2005, has been storing its 400 figures in a warehouse while it works to reopen this fall.

Police say they suspect the warehouse was used for an all-night rave party. Also stripped were Winston Churchill, Charles de Gaulle and rebel icons from Ireland’s war of independence with Britain, including Michael Collins and Padraig Pearse. Gone are Bob the Builder, Frankenstein’s monster, Gollum from “Lord of the Rings” and Hannibal Lecter.

Guitars adorning the figures of U2’s The Edge and Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott also disappeared. Elvis and Madonna lost hair, limbs or jewelry.

The museum was razed for a hotel in 2005. Museum manager Kay Murray said she expects to announce a new location next month but said she doesn’t know where $1.4 million to fix the damage will come from. Some items - such as authentic rebel uniforms - are irreplaceable.

 

Who would want to steal lumps of wax???!!!

 

Mets fan could face big tax bill over Bonds' home run ball

By MARCUS WOHLSEN, Associated Press Writer
August 8, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Before he celebrates his windfall, the New York Mets fan who emerged from a violent scrum clutching Barry Bonds' record-setting home run ball should probably call his accountant.

As soon as 21-year-old Matt Murphy snagged the valuable piece of sports history Tuesday night, his souvenir became taxable income in the eyes of the Internal Revenue Service, according to experts.

"It's an expensive catch," said John Barrie, a tax lawyer with Bryan Cave LLP in New York who grew up watching the Giants play at Candlestick Park. "Once he took possession of the ball and it was his ball, it was income to him based on its value as of yesterday,"

By most estimates, the ball that put Bonds atop the list of all-time home run hitters with 756 would sell in the half-million dollar range on the open market or at auction.

That would instantly put Murphy, a college student from Queens, in the highest tax bracket for individual income, where he would face a tax rate of about 35 percent, or about $210,000 on a $600,000 ball.

Even if he does not sell the ball, Murphy would still owe the taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value, according to Barrie. Capital gains taxes also could be levied in the future as the ball gains value, he said


-------------

What can I say? Nice catch!!

 

God bless America!

 

You just took my toes out of my mouth with that, Za! ( i.e. took the word out of my mouth but we like to say it a bit different. Or maybe others use the quote with fingers instead of toes?)

 

Reuters gets that sinking feeling

Reuters gets that sinking feeling | Media | MediaGuardian.co.uk

News agency Reuters has been forced to admit that footage it released last week purportedly showing Russian submersibles on the seabed of the North Pole actually came from the movie Titanic.
The images were reproduced around the world - including by the Guardian and Guardian Unlimited - alongside the story of Russia planting its flag below the North Pole on Thursday last week.

But it has now emerged that the footage actually showed two Finnish-made Mir submersibles that were employed on location filming at the scene of the wreck of the RMS Titanic ship in the north Atlantic some 10 years ago.

This footage was used in sequences in James Cameron's 1997 blockbuster about the 1912 disaster.

The mistake was only revealed after a 13-year-old Finnish schoolboy contacted a local newspaper to tell them the images looked identical to those used in the movie.

Reuters has admitted that it took the images from Russian state television channel RTR and wrongly captioned them as file footage originating from the Arctic.

 

Remember Chernobyl?

A Soviet joke:

A Soviet newspaper reports: "Last night the N. Nuclear Powerstation fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation in 4 microseconds."

 

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

 

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room,on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.

It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are PISSED OFF about the 2 HOURS delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen"