Some jokes and some funny pics...

I agree 100%, all the more so because it is genuine.

 

Ha! This thread is REALLY !!! I loved it! And the links gave me many more good things!



The one I liked the most was Bush's!

 

If you throw a grenade into a French kitchen, the result is
Linoleum Blownapart

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer
the agony of defeat

In democracy, it's your vote that counts
In feudalism, it's your count that votes....

 

Martin: is there any chance that you used to write the script of "Monty Phyton's Flying Circus"?

 

This you did not know...



http://www.dubyasworld.com/dubyas-world-1l.html

http://www.angelfire.com/space/pearly/htmls/bush-iraq.html





http://cagle.slate.msn.com/news/missileshield/1.asp

 

http://www.hillwood.k12tn.net/tjc/Jokes.htm

 

Some golden oldies...










Osama´s rear view mirror???

http://www.september11-tribute.org/CartoonGallery1.htm

 

My pop just sent me these French jokes. I personally don't have anything against them, but I figured someone would get a kick out of em.

From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper:

"France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army
garrison to surrender."

*******************
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."

- Donald Rumsfeld - Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the
first gulf war.

******************
If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first
convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
- Comedian on the Tonight Show

***********
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in
the air?
A: The French army, of course."

Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows & No French man has ever tried.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.

Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....

Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.

Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background

Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.

Q: Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.

Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from
behind.

************
Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam
Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France,
either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against
Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

************
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of
fire to retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to
his HQ.

The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life
to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.

Warehouses?said the soldier. Sacre bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.

*************
Jay Leno, a few summers ago:

"France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French
government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing".

You know, like they did in WWII...."

*********

In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of
NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil
President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:

Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!

So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove
all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldier
buried in France from World War I and World War II.

DeGaulle never answered.

******************
Something to ponder:

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a
meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it
will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is
large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth
forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send
all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the
ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to
fight
the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you
stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or
tape it and watch it in the morning?

*****************
Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French
Revolutionary War
... but then again they were fighting the French.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Those are some of the best jokes I've ever heard. .

Jet

 

THat's a great one, Kai!

Best regards/ Daniel

 

Doc..no..those French jokes.. truly outrageous... shouldn't be on the Forums..but..

( HeHeHeHeHe ! )

 

Ha! I definately LOVE the Bush's ones!

And the French jokes were nice. However, my mother is French, she always talked to me in French, so I kind of am a French... Bloody hell!

 

I guess, we can forget ever having any French members on these Forums

 

those were some of the best pics I've seen....love the squirrels. Thanks for the laughs!

Il DUCE

 

A site for historical etc moustaches...

http://www.moustache-database.freeservers.com/history.html

 

The French jokes were so good I´ll try to find some as well:

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

"Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"

---------------

Q: What does the word "Maginot" mean in English?
A: "Welcome!"

--------------

This one´s nasty....

An actual letter from home from a marine with the multinational force in Bosnia:

Dear Dad,
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface (again) at some point in the near future anyway.
I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway. Just like in All NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.


He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.
With friends like these, who needs enemies? Dad, tell Mom I love her.
Your loving daughter
Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol., USMC

--------------

Military History Of France

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

http://www.bradynet.com/bbs/nonem/100106-0.html

David Letterman: "France wants more evidence [of Iraqi violations]. The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled right through France with a German flag."

-----------

Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."

----------

Aviation Humor

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

------------

 

Merde!!!

 

In our view, everybody is a potential partner -- until they shoot at us."
- AOL CEO Steve Case.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.
(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)

It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes.
from Repo Man

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
--Al Gore

"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." "
- Dan Quayle.

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."
- Abraham Lincoln.

"640k ought to be enough for anybody." .
-- Bill Gates in 1981

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
--Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." .
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics." .
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manager

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."
-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
--David Garcia

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
--Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl.

~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT

"I hear voices, and they don't like you"

http://www.goodquotes.com/sillyquotes7.htm

 

Golden oldie:



And



"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...George W. Bush

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...George W. Bush, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...George W. Bush

http://www.webforwards.com/georgewbush.htm