Welcome to the WWII Forums! Log in or Sign up to interact with the community.

Some jokes and some funny pics...

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by Kai-Petri, Dec 4, 2002.

Page 31 of 82
  1. TA152

    TA152 Ace

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2002
    Messages:
    3,423
    Likes Received:
    120
    Booooo !! :green:
     
    TA152, Sep 6, 2007
    #601
  2. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2005
    Messages:
    2,156
    Likes Received:
    104
    Three men were sitting in a bar bragging about how they had given their new wives their duties.
    The first man had married a women from Albania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.
    The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
    The third man married a Dublin girl. he boasted that he told her she was to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and that he wanted hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see any results, the second day he didn't see anything. The third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
     
    skunk works, Sep 6, 2007
    #602
  3. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2002
    Messages:
    26,469
    Likes Received:
    2,208
    Kai-Petri, Sep 7, 2007
    #603
  4. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2005
    Messages:
    2,156
    Likes Received:
    104
    Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

    Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.

    The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

    In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.

    all Mark Twain

    A fool and his money are soon elected.

    Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

    If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?

    Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

    Being a hero is the shortest-lived profession on earth.

    I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.

    It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know aint so.

    Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. Senators.

    Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

    The more you observe this "Politics" thing, you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other, and the one that's out always looks the best.

    all Will Rogers
     
    skunk works, Sep 8, 2007
    #604
  5. Slipdigit

    Slipdigit Good Ol' Boy Staff Member WW2|ORG Editor

    Joined:
    May 21, 2007
    Messages:
    18,054
    Likes Received:
    2,376
    Location:
    Alabama
    always so true, it seems.
     
    Slipdigit, Sep 8, 2007
    #605
  6. Slipdigit

    Slipdigit Good Ol' Boy Staff Member WW2|ORG Editor

    Joined:
    May 21, 2007
    Messages:
    18,054
    Likes Received:
    2,376
    Location:
    Alabama
    In honor of the chess match starting a few threads over, a gamer's review of chess.

    Game Review of Chess​
    The latest offering in the rapidly overflowing strategy genre is hard evidence that strategy games need a real overhaul, and fast. Chess, a small-scale tactical turn-based strategy game, attempts to adopt the age-old "easy to learn, difficult to master" parameter made popular by Tetris. But the game's cumbersome play mechanics and superficial depth and detail all add up to a game that won't keep you busy for long.
    Chess casts you as king of a small country at war with a rival country of equivalent military power. There is little background story to speak of, and by and large the units in the game are utterly lacking any character whatsoever. The faceless, nondescript units are dubbed arbitrarily such labels as "Knight" and "Bishop" while their appearance reveals nothing to suggest these roles. To make matters worse, the units on both playable sides are entirely identical aside from a simple color palette swap.
    The setting of the conflict is equally uninspiring and consists merely of a two-color grid so as to represent the two warring factions. Adding insult to injury, there is only one available map - and it's pathetically small, an 8x8 matrix (Red Alert maps are up to 128x128 in size). The lack of more expansive battlefields makes Chess feel like little more than an over-glorified Minesweeper.
    In a definite nod to Tetris, Chess eschews any kind of personality and styling in order to emphasize its supposedly addictive gameplay. Unfortunately, that gameplay is severely lacking. For one thing, there are only six units in the game. Of those six, two are practically worthless while one is an overpowered "god" unit, the Queen. She's your typical Lara Croft-esque 1990s "me, too" attempt to attract the fabled gaming girl audience from out of the woodwork to help solidify a customer base for a game that simply cannot sell itself on its own merits. The Queen can attack in any direction and she is balanced solely by the fact that both sides are equally equipped with only one. Otherwise, the functions of the six Chess units feel entirely arbitrary. For instance, Rooks can only move in horizontal lines, unable to attack enemies at diagonal angles; yet Bishops can move diagonally, but not horizontally.
    The result is a frustratingly unrealistic effort at creating balance and strategy where there is, in fact, very little of either element to be found. Inexplicable pathing problems also plague Chess - the irritating Pawns can only move straight ahead, but for some reason or other they attack diagonally. Worst of all, your units are always deployed in exactly the same fashion. While there might have been some strategic element involved in cleverly deploying one's troops around the undeniably constricted map, the designers saw fit to enforce a "rule" about how the game should be set up. In the end, Chess matches may often go on for a great length of time because your Pawns always begin in front of your more useful forces, thereby blocking them off.
    Only two players can compete simultaneously, thus severely limiting any play life to be found. There is only one gameplay mode - no capture the flag or team play - and that involves the two players taking turns moving their units one by one. The moment a player's King is threatened, that player is placed in a state of "check." At this point, the player must defend his King with whatever means are available. If he cannot defend his King, he is defeated. Yawn. All units are killed by a single hit, so even a lowly Pawn can be instrumental in defeating an opponent if you plan accordingly. While the artificial balance of forcing equivalent deployment for both sides turns Chess into something of a battle of wits, the turn-based play is poorly paced and never really picks up speed until halfway through a game, if then. And half the time, because of the limited troops available (and no resources with which to purchase more), matches end in disappointing stalemates.
    This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical play mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp and exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings. In fact, should you actually memorize all the infuriating little rules governing how the game is played, you'll find yourself growing weary of it all in short order. There's just no payoff to a properly executed game, because the restrictions on the units mean there's a "right" way to play. Thus no real variety can exist between competent players. The sluggish turn-based nature of Chess bogs the package still further and renders this strategy game an irreverent exercise in wasted time for all but the most die-hard turn-based strategy enthusiasts. It's more than likely that Chess, due to its self-conscious though not entirely elegant simplicity, will garner a small handful of fans. But in light of this game's boundless oversights and limitations, there is no chance it could ever enjoy the sort of success that makes games like Westwood's C&C: Red Alert and Blizzard's Warcraft II the classics they are to this day.
     
    Slipdigit, Sep 8, 2007
    #606
  7. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2005
    Messages:
    2,156
    Likes Received:
    104
    So much like real war it's scary......no?

    We'll see if those others last 24-2600 years.
     
    skunk works, Sep 8, 2007
    #607
  8. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

    Joined:
    May 12, 2003
    Messages:
    8,809
    Likes Received:
    372
    Location:
    Portugal
    Hmm, this is a modernized version of a spoof review I remember to have read before there were any computer games, sometime in the Cenozoic...

    For curiosity's sake, something else related here.
     
    Za Rodinu, Sep 8, 2007
    #608
  9. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2005
    Messages:
    2,156
    Likes Received:
    104
    Being defeated is temporary, giving up is what makes it permanent.

    A new idea can never return to its original dimensions.
    Oliver Wendall Holmes

    A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
    Francis Bacon

    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
    Eleanor Roosevelt

    My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand everyday.
    Johnny Carson

    For the resolute and determined there is time and opportunity.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    unknowns:

    If you never say no, there is no value to your yes.

    Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

    Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

    When a ship misses the harbor, it is seldom the harbor's fault.

    Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

    Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    The young man knows the rules but the old man knows the exceptions.
    Oliver Wendall Holmes

    Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
    Patton

    We may have come here on different ships, but we're all in the same boat now.
    Whitney Young
     
    skunk works, Sep 10, 2007
    #609
  10. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

    Joined:
    May 12, 2003
    Messages:
    8,809
    Likes Received:
    372
    Location:
    Portugal
    The Government Job

    A guy goes to his local government agency to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

    Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years."

    The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

    The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

    The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, based on your qualifications and veteran's status I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

    The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM , then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

    "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
     
    Za Rodinu, Sep 10, 2007
    #610
  11. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2002
    Messages:
    26,469
    Likes Received:
    2,208
    "Who had this retarded idea? I don't give a shit about Bretons! I'm going to be surrounded by ten c**** looking at a map!" was his reported response to hearing his final campaign photoshoot was going to be at a radar station in Brittany (Much of Bretagne voted for Ségolène Royal).

    President Nicolas Sarkozy

    EURSOC: Sarkozy's Hundred Days
     
    Kai-Petri, Sep 10, 2007
    #611
  12. FramerT

    FramerT Ace

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Messages:
    1,570
    Likes Received:
    38
    Two women were playing golf.. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward afoursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I couldrelieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping hishands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosenedhis pantsand put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"? He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
     
    FramerT, Sep 14, 2007
    #612
  13. Hawkerace

    Hawkerace Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2006
    Messages:
    844
    Likes Received:
    28
    If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

    *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
    *Eisenhower has joined the game.*
    *paTTon has joined the game.*
    *Churchill has joined the game.*
    *benny-tow has joined the game.*
    *T0J0 has joined the game.*
    *Roosevelt has joined the game.*
    *Stalin has joined the game.*
    *deGaulle has joined the game.*
    Roosevelt: hey sup
    T0J0: y0
    Stalin: hi
    Churchill: hi
    Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
    paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
    T0JO: lol
    Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
    benny-tow: haha america sux
    Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
    Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
    Stalin: cool
    deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
    Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
    Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
    Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
    Roosevelt: get antiair guns
    Churchill: i cant afford them
    benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
    paTTon: stfu
    Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
    deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
    Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
    paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
    Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
    deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
    *deGaulle has left the game.*
    Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
    benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
    benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
    Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
    T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
    Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
    T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
    Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf
    Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
    Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
    Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
    Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
    T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
    Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
    Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
    Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
    benny-tow: haha
    benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
    T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
    Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
    Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
    Stalin: church help me
    Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
    Stalin: dont be an arss
    Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
    Eisenhower: LOL
    benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
    Hitler: o man ur focked
    paTTon: oh what now biotch
    Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
    *benny-tow has been eliminated.*
    benny-tow: lame
    Roosevelt: gj patton
    paTTon: thnx
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
    Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
    Eisenhower: Nuts!
    benny~tow: wtf that mean?
    Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
    paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
    Stalin: rofl
    T0J0: HAHAHHAA
    Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
    Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
    *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
    benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
    Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
    Stalin: OMG LMAO!
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
    *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
    paTTon: hahahhah
    T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
    benny~tow: shut up noob
    Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
    paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
    Eisenhower: yah me too
    T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
    Eisenhower: fock u
    paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
    Stalin: go to hell lol
    paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
    Eisenhower: yah this is gay
    *Roosevelt has left the game.*
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
    Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
    *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
    tru_m4n: hi all
    T0J0: hey
    Stalin: sup
    Churchill: hi
    tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
    tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
    Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
    tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
    Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
    T0J0: wtf is nukes?
    T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
    *T0J0 has been eliminated.*
    *The Allied team has won the game!*
    Eisenhower: awesome!
    Churchill: gg noobs no re
    T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
    *T0J0 has left the game.*
    *Eisenhower has left the game.*
    Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
    Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
    tru_m4n: l8r all
    benny~tow: bye
    Churchill: l8r
    Stalin: fock u all
    tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
    *tru_m4n has left the game.*
    benny~tow: lololol u commie
    Churchill: ROFL
    Churchill: bye commie
    *Churchill has left the game.*
    *benny~tow has left the game.*
    Stalin: i hate u all fags
    *Stalin has left the game.*
    paTTon: lol no1 is left
    paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
    *paTTon has been eliminated.*
    paTTon: o sh1t!
    *paTTon has left the game.*
     
    Hawkerace, Sep 14, 2007
    #613
  14. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2002
    Messages:
    26,469
    Likes Received:
    2,208
    I suspect there´ll be loads of more singles to be released every two weeks...

    14. NEW Elvis Presley (Let Me Be Your) Teddybear

    BBC - Radio 1 - Chart - Singles
     
    Kai-Petri, Sep 15, 2007
    #614
  15. Skipper

    Skipper Kommodore

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    24,985
    Likes Received:
    2,386
    OMG Hawkerace your online game kicks ass. Lol !
     
    Skipper, Sep 15, 2007
    #615
  16. Joe

    Joe Ace

    Joined:
    May 22, 2007
    Messages:
    2,948
    Likes Received:
    125
    I heard that one before. But it is still really funny!

    Actually I like to play around in jeeps at the end of games...

    Ok, I just thaught of a joke


    What do you call a man with a numberplate on his head?


















    Reg!
     
    Joe, Sep 15, 2007
    #616
  17. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2002
    Messages:
    26,469
    Likes Received:
    2,208
    Ahh...Bush could not do that, could he?
     
    Kai-Petri, Sep 16, 2007
    #617
  18. FramerT

    FramerT Ace

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Messages:
    1,570
    Likes Received:
    38
    A fart it is a pleasant thing,
    It gives the belly ease,
    It warms the bed in winter,
    And suffocates the fleas.
    A fart can be quiet,
    A fart can be loud,
    Some leave a powerful,
    Poisonous cloud.

    A fart can be short,
    Or a fart can be long,
    Some farts have been known
    To sound like a song.....
    A fart can create
    a most curious medley,
    A fart can be harmless,
    Or silent , and deadly.

    A fart might not smell,
    While others are vile,
    A fart may pass quickly,
    Or linger a while.....
    A fart can occur
    In a number of places,
    And leave everyone there,
    With strange looks on their faces.

    From wide-open prairie,
    To small elevators,
    A fart will find all of us
    Sooner or later.

    But farts are all bad,
    Is simply not true-
    We must never forget......
    Old farts like you!
     
    FramerT, Sep 16, 2007
    #618
    TA152 likes this.
  19. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2005
    Messages:
    2,156
    Likes Received:
    104
    Q.
    What is the first physical symptom of AIDS ?


    A.
    A pounding in your rear.
     
    skunk works, Sep 17, 2007
    #619
  20. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

    Joined:
    May 12, 2003
    Messages:
    8,809
    Likes Received:
    372
    Location:
    Portugal
    This thread is reaching previously undreamed of heights!
     
    Za Rodinu, Sep 17, 2007
    #620
Page 31 of 82

Share This Page