Some jokes and some funny pics...

A rabbi and a priest were talking, and the priest asked the rabbi confidentially
- "Rabbi, have you ever tried pork?"
The rabbi looked around cautiously and then nodded. The priest smiled and said
- "Pretty good, isn't it."
The rabbi smiled back and said
- "Father, have you ever had sex?"
The priest also looked around and said
- "Well, yes, I have...you know, before entering priesthood".
The rabbi nodded and said
- "Better then pork, isn't it."

 

Expensive Jewellery Shop

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet,

and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays

that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.



As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day,

Madam. How may we help you today?'



Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little

'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'

 

Not actually funny but getting rather weird in my opinion...

Saudi divorces wife for watching male TV host

Saudi divorces wife for watching male TV host: Report

Riyadh, September 29: A Saudi man divorced his wife for watching alone a television programme presented by a male, an act he deemed immoral.

The man ended his marriage on the grounds his wife was effectively alone with an unrelated man, which is forbidden under the strict Islamic law enforced in the ultra-conservative kingdom, the Al Shams newspaper reported on Saturday.

Men in Saudi Arabia have the authority to divorce their wives without resort to the courts.

 

Not funny but stupid beyond belief.

 

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused by
the size his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

 

If you missed it the first time around...

YouTube - Der Mussolini - DAF

I think the video is a later version as the song was early 1980´s...

DAF: Deutsche Amerikanische Freundschaft

 

http://domania.us/FramerT/misc.6/clip.wmv

 

I laughed all the way through that one!

 

A man was convinced his wife was cheating on him. So one day, he decided to come home from work early to try and catch her in the act.
he got home, and his wife was asleep on the sofa. He looked in all the cupboards to find the evidence that she WAS cheating on him, but to no avail. He climbed the ladder into the attic, and found no-one.
As he turned to go down the ladder, he slipped, fell down the ladder, and broke his neck. He was dead.

The next thing, he was in a line to get into heaven. He asked the Spirit in front of him,
"how did you die?"
the spirit replied,
"I froze to death, and you?"
"I broke my neck looking for a guy I was so sure my wife was having an affair with"
To this the guy replied,
"hey, if only you looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive!"


_______________________________________________________



two cowboys where sitting in a bar. one says to the other, "whats your favorite sex position?"
Thew other replies,
"the rodeo position."
"what's that?"
"well, after you mount her, grab hold of her breast. Say, "hey, this feels like your sister!" and see how long you can hold on."

 

Levante pick up football trophy - 70 years on

Levante pick up football trophy - 70 years on | Special reports | Guardian Unlimited

Levante sit bottom of the Spanish football league, with a single point, and were thrashed 4-1 by Barcelona on Saturday. But Levante will be picking up one trophy this year - even if it is 70 years overdue. The Spanish parliament has voted to recognise Levante's victory in the Republican Cup final of July 18 1937, a game that had long been wiped from the official records.

In 1937 Spain was divided; the fascist forces of Franco occupied just over half of the country, while the republicans were besieged on the other side. Football still had its place, and the eight clubs on the republican side organised their own league, with the four top-placed teams competing for the Republican Cup, an offshoot of the King's Cup, the Spanish equivalent of the FA Cup. That year Barcelona, having won the league, went on a tour of the US and Mexico to raise money for the republic, allowing fifth-placed Levante to take their place in the cup. Levante went on to beat their cross-town rivals Valencia 1-0 to lift the only trophy the club has ever won.

 

YouTube - hitler singing #3 barbie girl

 

Maths teaching, US style

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Last week a man purchased a sandwich at Burger King for $2.58. The counter girl took his $3 plus 8 cents and stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while staring at the screen on her register. Sensing her discomfort, the man tried to tell her to just give him two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help . When he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried – a testament to the progress that's been made in the teaching of math over the last 50 – 60 years.......


1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

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2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production Is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

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3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production Is $80. Did he make a profit?

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4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production Is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

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5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you thInk of this way of making a living? Topic for Class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers. )

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6. Teaching Math In the 21st Century

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la Produccion es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Buenos Dias!

 

I think somebody´s a bit early here....

Dead Castro Dance -- La Danza de Castro Muerto

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"

"THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY"

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

Rats, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back!!! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, Schmeril. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

FIRE! FIRE!! Everyone get out!


A couple from Minneapolis decided to fly to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel so the husband left a day earlier. When he checked into the hotel, he found there was a computer in the room so he emailed his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, in a suburb of Houston, a widow had just returned home from her late husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years and was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. On her return, the widow decided to check her email, expecting to receive messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first message, she fainted. Hearing the commotion, her son rushed into the room and found her on the floor. He then read the message on the computer screen:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived

Date: February 8, 2005

I know you're surprised to receive this from me - they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune........
"One US Marine is better than ten Iraqis"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then calls out........

"One US Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again............

"One US Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis"

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, & machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander.........

"Don't send any more men..... it's a trap.........there's two of them"

 

Could Boris Becker say this girl is not his daughter...don´t think so...

Sky Showbiz - Boris' Daughter Chats On TV

 

I know I'll be in the receiving end of the thickest shitstorm of the last 40 years, but, what the hell, here goes!


YouTube - Americanos não são estúpidos

 

Well, the title says "Americans are not stupid"... And what the heck are you doing playing with the Internet at work instead of doing what you are supposedly paid for?

Tch, why have work ethics stooped so low...